Wednesday, September 28, 2016

A Friendly Night of Porn – 2016 HUMP Film Festival

So I wrote about my first HUMP two years ago. I didn’t write about it last year, even though it was still loads of fun, because I just didn’t have time.

But I figured this was a good year to do another write-up.

This year, I brought a huge group of friends, most of whom had never been to an event like this. And frankly were both a little titillated and trepidatious about going to one now. Not really sure of what they were going to see. Not really sure they'd want to.

But the beautiful thing about HUMP is how inclusive and welcoming it is.

From the beginning opening statements and rules, which were an adorable musical number—aww, the image and sound of Dan singing about getting humped will be with me forever now—you can tell that this porn festival is not going to be like anything you’ve ever seen before. Like Dan sang, we saw people, body types, pairings, groupings, and kinks that aren’t commonly found in mainstream porn.

Take the very first film, “Hysterical Bullshit,” where a presumably fully clothed woman sits at a table with Mike Huckabee’s Gods, Guns, Grits and Gravy while a vibrator drives her to orgasm. This black and white video was such an odd and quirky start to a porn festival. Other than some deep breathing, squirming, and the occasional moan, it just looks like a woman reading a ridiculous book. In fact, I bet if you showed it to Mike Huckabee without context, it’d take him most of the video to even figure out what’s happening. Like I said, this isn’t your mainstream idea of porn and this was an interesting, subversive way of starting things off. By giving us almost the anti-porn porn.

“It Kind of Feels Like...” the mid-point film, felt a lot like a return to this kind of film. The shortest film by far, it started out with close-ups of a woman’s face while she inhales sharply and makes soft, sweet, orgasmic noises. Right before she sneezes. Again, an interesting reminder that things are not what you expect here at HUMP.

“Hotels & Haircuts,” like many other films included, goes into the category of straight-up sex montage films. Each had details that made them special. “Hotels & Haircuts” showed a poly relationship. “Art Primo” featured an interracial couple and fuller figure woman. “Hey Man” followed a gay man seeking refuge and serenity from the chaos of modern dating. “Pachisi” again featured an interracial couple with a more female-dominant slant. “Lipstick” featured an Asian spy posing as a sex worker. “Two Boys and Some Rope,” starring two sexy men, and “Wild Lovers,” starring two beautiful women, were my favorites of this group while we watched them have sexy bondage sex. While there was little that was that remarkable of each of these films individually, what I do like about them as a whole, is how wide a range “straight-up sex” is today. The different kinds of bodies, that used to be so invisible, we see now. The different kinds of relationships, that used to be closeted and taboo, we take for granted today. That’s kind of amazing and subversive in and of itself.

Strictly speaking, “Blown” might fall under the same category as these films, except for on difference. Instead of music playing in the background of the sex montage, this film gave us an absolutely fascinating peek into two trans men’s minds as they talked about the struggle and pleasure of getting blown now that they’ve transitioned while we watch them blow each other. It was sexy, just like the others, but it was also...poignant and intimate in a way that the others didn’t quite feel like for me. Because we got to hear their stories, I just felt so much more connected to these men. So well done. And, seeing as it was produced by Buck Angel, I’m not surprised at all.

“Cake Boss” involved a couple making a quite unconventional cake. The best thing about this film was the fact that in both last week’s and this week's Savage Love podcasts he and Mistress Matisse and Cheryl Strayed talk about the fact that too many vanilla people, when they want to get a little kinky, add food and sweets to sex. To which Dan said, “Don't dessert fuck.” Well, this was the ultimate dessert fuck. In fact, it reminded me of one of my first drag king shows, where, for one of the performer’s birthday, they had him and two very sexy ladies dance to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” while they played with cake mix ingredients. Hilarious. Sexy. But a big ole mess. This one had the added factor of sex and nudity, which had the germaphobe in me internally screaming “YEAST INFECTION!” But, if I had to comfort myself with one thought, it’s that at least they were equal opportunity infectors and hopefully Risk-Aware and Consensual about their kinks.

“Lube Dispenser” and “Unicorn in the Castle” were also films that tripped kinky bells in my head. Again, each of them had interesting parts of them. “Lube Dispenser,” with its masks and woods location, was filmed almost like a horror film. And while it made it visually interesting, it’s also, maybe, what made some of the breath play aspects in the film feel problematic to me. Watching a man in a plastic bag breathe heavily as the bag puffs in and out of his mouth was concerning, even if they cut a mouth hole in the bag by sticking a knife in his open mouth. As was watching the couple grab each other by the throat while they had sex. “Unicorn in the Castle” was great because it starred a kinky elderly trio, proving that porn, sex, and kink all don’t have age limits. That said, we never got to see the negotiations and much of it...looked dub-con, if not out and out non-con. Especially, the last scene, where the Dom uses flash paper right next to the two subs’ mons, catching their pubic hair on fire. I don’t do fire play, but I’ve seen competent tops do so and, every time I have, I’ve seen them shave the area and make sure to keep it far from any body hair to avoid causing painful burns. It just kinda took me out of the scene and made me not...feel good about watching it.

And it’s not that these aren’t my kinks, I don’t think. This year, a lot of films, like “I Fist a Grrrl,” had a lot of things, like analingus and water sports, that I personally don’t find sexy but I didn’t have a problem with watching them, the way I did with “Lube Dispenser” and “Unicorn in the Castle.” I also wasn’t really a fan of “Porn Star of the Year” which was about Fuck Rogers, a fictional bad porn star, nominating himself for porn star of the year. Mostly it was all puns and mugging to the camera. “Level Up” also kind of fell into this problem for me too. While I didn’t dislike it, it just felt like it was trying too hard to be feminist that it felt mocking rather than empowering.

“Cuckold” almost felt the same too. Almost. “Cuckold” was actually really good; a story about a married couple who invite a man back to their place to play out a cuckolding scene. They hint at all the work that should go into a scene like that: talking about it between primary partners, meeting the third in a sex-free context to discuss expectations, and consent at every point. The thing that left me a little iffy on it was the fact, at first, they weren’t really addressing the race issue that was implicit in a story where a white married couple invites a black man into their home to cuckold the wife. In a medium where you can’t really go into the individual characters' internal thoughts easily, it just left too much room for exploitation, reminding me too much of too many negative stereotypes. Not helped by the fact that, when the husband panics about the whole cuckolding scene, he says, “What was I thinking bringing some strange, black man into our house to fuck my wife?” It did leave me feeling really uncomfortable. The difference, I think, is that this film ends well with the wife talking the husband down from his anxiety and joining their third in a more inclusive scene that made their special guest feel like more of a partner than a prop.

“Dick” felt the same, where it started off as a man singing forlornly at a woman who is ignoring him. Then we find out that his sorrow is less about the fact that she doesn’t see him and more about the fact that he’s a man who closetly LOVES dick (but he’s absolutely not gay, of course). While funny and quirky—completely with him riding a psychedelic, spinning dick pinwheel, that a woman sitting in front of us laughed at every time it came on screen—it was just really strange. But what made the film was the end, where we find out that the woman ignoring him is reading a book about the wonders of lesbian love. Great end.

But there are four films that really stood out for me. “Orgies Happening Tonight” really surprised me. When it started, it just felt too much like a normal porn with really amateur acting. Then we got to the orgy, which felt a lot like many of the sex parties I’ve been to. Complete with the Domme and her submissive being really welcoming, including offering to give our star the wifi password, before slipping seamlessly right back into scene. It just felt so fun and enjoyable, I’m willing to forgive the obvious plot and over-the-top acting.

“The Collector”... What can I say about this? A story about a man who collects come. From Tim Allen’s Santa Claus stunt double to the whole state of Delaware, this film was a documentary-style story filled with jars of spunk. But what made it really great was that it also showed his girlfriend who, after being called his favorite “come dispenser,” gets livid over her boyfriend’s obsession and starts dumping his come left and right, even eventually throwing a bucket of it out the door, accidentally hitting the poor mailman in the face. Not to mention, I love that it was gender-inclusive come, including an impressively full jar from Hillary Clinton. You go, girl.

But my favorite two have to be “Let’s Try to Fuck” and “Film Bonoir.” By far.

As a huge fan of 1950’s television shows, “Let’s Try to Fuck” felt absolutely charming. Done in the style of 1950’s PSA educational films, Young Billy runs around town trying to learn how to get laid. Meeting fit hula-hooping girls and smart girls and pretty girls. And learning helpful lessons like “the mouth: the fuck hole of the face.” It was just...charming.

Then there was “Film Bonoir.” There is nothing—nothing—better than seeing dicks dressed up in tiny hats, wigs, and googly eyes. Plus I love the premise of two guys role playing private dicks with their private dicks. It was innovative and creative. Well-planned and well-executed. Complete with a come-shot murder of a flaccid member mobster. But my absolute favorite part was the fact that they did a making-of special at the end of the film. It made my day to see penises being shot in green screen and dressed up in tiny dick-sized costumes.

All in all, it was a great night, filled with laughs and “oh mys.” I love that my HUMP experience started with two of us not knowing what to expect and evolved into a group of seven friends having an incredible time. More than anything, I think that’s what makes HUMP so special. That, no matter how unsure you are at the start, by the end, you're guaranteed to have an uncommonly fun experience here that you can’t get any other way.

I can't wait to go again next year!

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Erotica for the Big Brain's For the Men Interview

Love this shoutout! I may or may not have done a wiggly happy dance on the street when I read this:
"Automatically we are in the main characters head. We are him. The second we begin reading de Soto’s words, we see and feel everything her main character feels because she’s made us participants. To me, that’s a great story. Editors of anthologies are some of the most open-minded people. They have to be. Otherwise, you get a shitty anthology. So, writers should aim to captivate. Immediately."

Also, love this quote:
"To me, if it’s a great story, it’s valuable. If it effortlessly conveys its reason for existing, its good. If a story is easy, ‘brain candy’ I like that too. Sometimes readers just want a nice easy (wank) escape. I don’t want an anthology chalk full of stories that challenge me. I like to cruise too, man. Commercially speaking, ‘easy’ seemingly works, but there’s a lot of those for sale. How many paranormal romance shifter books are out there are killing it right now? It feels like too many, good for them. There are writers writing literally for the consumer. I’ve never rejected what I would consider ‘a great story.’ If a submission didn’t quite fit my call, but it blew my socks off, I like to think that I would try to make it fit in the anthology, or save it for another call, or hell, offer to publish it myself. A great story is a great story is a great story. And it wants to be read, but that doesn’t equate to being a commercial success."

Remember you can get this anthology now, available on:

Monday, September 26, 2016

Wanna Get Intense? - For the Men (and the Women Who Love Them)

Come check out this story that I wrote for The Sexy Librarian's For the Men (And the Women Who Love Them) Anthology!

Erotica is so often thought of as being female driven, created by and for women in mind. And, I'm not going to lie, I kinda love it for that. 

But it's rather amazing and bold that, unlike most others in its genre, this project focuses on the male perspective. As I've said before, "there are so many wonderful men in kinkland. And every one of them is unique and deserves to be celebrated. Each one of them have stories and sides of themselves that deserve to be told." I love that this anthology explores and celebrates that; please come check it out!
"The Sexy Librarian, Rose Caraway presents an anthology intended for the fellas and the women who have an appetite for bold, adventurous erotic storytelling. Escape into the fantastic, the outlandish, and the literary. Get ready for; a space pirate, a cowgirl, an anxious odd man out, an undercover agent, lonely ghosts, a taxi driver with an unexpected topsy-turvy fare, a burly biker who just wants to be cuddled, a bride-to-be with one last oat to sow, The Devil offers a golden deal, a mysterious hitchhiker, strangers and a spontaneous three-way, and a reluctant hitman. You will find these and many more audacious characters playing out intense encounters. Featured stories by: Allen Dusk, Jade A. Waters, Terrance Aldon Shaw, Tamsin Flowers, Landon Dixon, Sonni de Soto, Adrea Kore, D. Lovejoy, Erin Pim, J.T. Seate, Spencer Dryden, Winter Blair, Simon Drax, Lynn Lake, Chase Morgan, Charlie Powell, Josie Jordan, Daily Hollow, Marc Angel, Rachel de Vine, D.L. King, Dorothy Freed, Rachel Kramer Bussel, T.J. Christian, and Emmanuelle de Maupassant"

For more from Rand, please check out my novel Show Me, Sir from Sinful Press that celebrates feminist kink!

Watch Rand play in my story in The New Smut Project's anthology and see how consent makes everything sexier!

Erotica is an expression of rebellion. Catch Rand in my stories in Coming Together's defiant, charity anthology that celebrates diversity and equality in the face of our uncertain future!

Please check out my story in this hand-held library of erotica & explore to your libido's content!

Find even more great reads and Put Your Money Where Your Orgasm Is!

Also, find out how you can support me and collaborate with me on my Patreon Page!

Friday, September 23, 2016

F*ck Yes – Fingers


This is actually my favorite F*ck Yes video so far (hence why I saved it for last). It just speaks to me so much. 

First, again, diversity points for including explicitly LGBTQ+ people in your videos. Their stories are important and beautiful and need to be told more. Lovely! 

Two, as a switch, I used to think it was so sexy to tell tops that they could “do whatever they wanted.” Now, as someone who tops too, let me tell you, it is not. It, for me (and a lot of tops), is one of the LEAST sexy things you can say to someone. Because it puts all the pressure and responsibility and expectation on me. As a bottom, I know, I used to think that this was giving my tops all the freedom and choice in the world. In reality, it feels paralyzing. By telling me I can do everything, I feel like I can’t do anything for the very rightful fear that, without clear limits and preferences established, I could unintentionally cross boundaries that I didn’t know were there. It’s asking me to cross a minefield and make it sexy. No. Just never. Tell me what you want; it’s not easy—believe me, as a bottom too, I know—but it is soooooo much sexier. 

However, that said, I do love that this couple handles this in a sexy, encouraging, sex-positive way. Especially, since, when I’ve been in this situation before, I’ve struggled, as both a top and a bottom, to do the same. It’s sweet. It’s sexy. And perfect proof that communication and consent make sex so much better.


 And, remember, please check out F*ck Yes’s youtube channel, share the videos, and help fund it. We need more sexy stories filled with enthusiastic consent and they are helping to make that possible.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

F*ck Yes - She Posted That?!

We still too often think of porn as an exclusively or even primarily male-consumed media. But it’s not. And we need to not just accept and acknowledge that, we need to embrace it.

I love so much about this video. First off, again, points for diversity in casting and portraying interracial relationships well.

Second, I love that, while it acknowledges that we do have an unfair and statistically inaccurate cultural assumption about porn, it never shames the woman in the story for consuming or enjoying it.

In fact, I love—love, love, love—her partner’s reaction to catching her looking at porn. Not only does he not shame her, he genuinely wants to know what she’s into so they can explore it together. But all the while without pressure; when she gets uncomfortable, he reassures her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to.  Beautifully done!

Again, it demonstrates that idea that, often, when you present what you want in a fun, no-pressure kind of way, even if you get a no now, making a person comfortable and letting them know that it really is up to them and that you honestly care about whether or not they also want what you want, it can open people up to the possibility. We need to learn to prioritize partnered pleasure in sex. Not only will it make your partners happier and more fulfilled, but it’ll make sure you have better sex too.

Lastly, it’s so great that they completely bust the myth that porn is something only sad, lonely, unhealthy people do, shrouded in shadows and shame. No! Porn can be part of a healthy solo sex life, whether you're partnered or not, as well as a completely healthy and totally fun partnered sex activity. Studies show that watching porn with your partner can help you explore new ideas and positions and kinks that you hadn’t before. It can help you learn more about each other and what turns each other on.

They also posted a great video about the worst sex advice they’d ever received. Personally, I have to echo the awful advice almost everyone got about sex being less sexy when you talk about it. The idea that, somehow—unlike any other skill we have—we all naturally are born knowing how to do it and do it perfectly is crazy. That we should somehow be born experts at it despite the wide variety of ways to have sex. Despite the incredible diverse people, all with their own diverse set of preferences and types of bodies and experiences, we could have sex with.  For god’s sake, we all had to learn how to read, how to talk, how to walk, how to freakin’ feed ourselves, but sex—this incredibly complex and ever-evolving thing—is something that we never have to talk about or learn about or practice? Really? That’s insane.

And, remember, please check out F*ck Yes’s youtube channel, share the videos, and help fund it. We need more sexy stories filled with enthusiastic consent and they are helping to make that possible.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

F*ck Yes - Protection

Sexy dirty talk is one of those things that always seems harder than we think it should be. What I love about this video is that it makes dirty talk easy, accessible, and sexy. And fun!

I also love that, yes, they run into a sexual roadblock (no condoms) but they don’t let it ruin the moment. They roll with it. They recognize it for the easily solved problem that it is and move on. Perfect!

Love that no one tries to weasel out of protection. Love that they stand up for and advocate for what they want. And they make sure that, every step of the way, their partner is right there—actively and enthusiastically—with them.

Again, perfect!

Lastly, love that the comment that she didn’t shave her legs is met by a joke that he didn’t either. That it’s treated like a non-issue. Because it is.

Another great short film from a great company.

And, remember, please check out F*ck Yes’s youtube channel, share the videos, and help fund it. We need more sexy stories filled with enthusiastic consent and they are helping to make that possible.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016


There are a few of things I really love about this video. 

One, gotta love the use of actors of color. Well-done diversity always gets points in my book.

Two, I love the awkwardness and humor around it. So much of our storytelling surrounding sex is so serious and pristine. Everything works right. No one gets rejected. The script never falters. Life so very rarely ever works like that. As someone who does love putting a good awkward moment or two in my sex scenes, I love that both characters recognize and address it.

Three, I love that, when the guy realizes that he’s messed up, he takes her no seriously. He doesn’t try to weasel out of it. Doesn’t try to neg or barter or beg for a yes. He accepts it for the answer it is, not the one he wants but the one that he got, and lets it be. It’s an attractive quality. It may not get you a yes, like it does in this film, but it’ll still make you a better lover by proving that you care about your partners’—even your potential partners’—pleasure and consent. Like I’ve said before, “accept the answer you’re given. Whatever it is. Because the best way to turn an initial ‘no’ into permanent ‘never’ is to be pushy or pouty about it.”

And, lastly, of course, I love, love, love the overall takeaway message of the film. As they put it in the description, “Lesson: If you ask for what you *actually* want, you might *actually* get it.” A message I’ve ranted about before. You greatly increase your odds of getting what you want, if you just ask for it. Don’t ask for something (pie) and expect something else (sex) because you’ll be setting yourself and your partner up for failure and disappointment. Be honest and upfront in a fun and sex positive way; believe me, it’s far more attractive than the alternative.

And, remember, please check out F*ck Yes’s youtube channel, share the videos, and help fund it. We need more sexy stories filled with enthusiastic consent and they are helping to make that possible. 

Monday, September 19, 2016

F*ck Yes: Consent is Sexy

Like I’ve said before, I love the romance and erotica genres. I grew up on them and still love them. But, yeah, they are products of their time. As society changes, so do our stories. 

So MUST our stories. 

Particularly in a genre so often written by and for and consumed primarily by women, we should see more feminism in our stories. Because romance and feminism, love and feminism, can and should coexist together. And we need more examples of them doing so. We need it to become the new narrative.

As a genre, romance and erotica are still trying to find our footing between the magic and romance of fantasy and the necessary realities of consent. Because while the conversation around consent "has flared up in recent years, there still seems to be a gap in our conventional wisdom surrounding the subject." 

I don't think we've cracked it. 

I certainly don't always get it right. 

But I see the strides we're, as part of this great genre, making and the effort we're putting in to try. 

And, for me, there's romance and magic in that effort. Consent can be sexy and, lord knows, consent makes sex and play sexier. We just need to learn to tell those stories better. And tell those stories more often. 

In the same way the genre used to think condoms and birth control would ruin the romance or the sexiness before it became the normal vocabulary of the genre, we need to get consent and negotiation there too. 

Consent is a vital part of our everyday lives; it needs to be a vital and celebrated part of our stories too. 

Take F*ck Yes, this beautiful youtube series that I hope continues for a long time: 


Please check out F*ck Yes’s youtube channel, share the videos, and help fund it. We need more sexy stories filled with enthusiastic consent and they are helping to make that possible. 

Friday, September 16, 2016

The Power of Collars

9 Tips for Choosing a Play Collar

I've had this conversation with vanilla friends before: What is with collars? Why would you ever want to be owned by someone?

Look, if you've ever felt different, unaccepted, or unwelcome, you know how powerful feeling like you belong can be. Many kinksters grew up knowing that they were deviant, knowing that the things they loved and longed for were different than what the world was telling them they should. Many of us grew up with our family, our friends, the media, and doctors all telling us that, because we had these desires, there was something wrong with us.

That we were, by nature of who we are, unlovable.

Many of us still live in a world that, if these things about us were publicly known, would disown us. When this part of our lives, of ourselves, is put out there, we often lose friends, family, jobs, standing, safety, and even our lives.

So, yeah, having someone willing to claim you as theirs, to give you a symbol that says that they love and accept you as you are--because you are who you are--that's really powerful for many of us.

Personally, I have collars that I've made or bought for myself. A sort of symbol to myself and to the rest of the world that I am who I am and I accept and love this part of me.

Symbols are powerful and every culture and group has them; this is just ours. And, even if it doesn't mean anything to you or even if it means something negative to you, it's important and meaningful to us and deserves respect.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Nudity as a Novelty

So apparently Channel 4 created a dating show, "Naked Attraction," where contestants bare everything in pursuit of a mate. to no one's surprise it's generated a lot of controversy.

Personally, it's not the nudity that bothers me with this show. It's the focus on it. The fact that contestants are urged to choose based on body and physical attraction alone.

I've been to parties where you meet people for the first time in the nude and it can be a powerful experience. To be stripped naked and meet each other without traditional barriers. Without the brand names or the cultural references or the fashion identities that we so often use and rely on to express ourselves, we're forced to interact differently. To express ourselves and to interpret each other differently.

This show could have explored that. To show contestants talking to each other about each other, not each others bodies, but about, when everything else is stripped away, what makes you you.

The scandal and disappointed shaming shouldn't be over the nudity, but the loss of an opportunity.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

The Problem With Penis Size Panic

Attn: This Is What Actually Determines Penis Size

Look, as interesting as this article is, I'm a big fan of Dan Savage's philosophy about dick size: Rock what you've got and, if you're still worried about the dick in question being too small, how big is their tongue? How big is their forearm? What kind of toys can they play with?

Penis size is not that big of a deal. 

It's just not. 

There are so many different ways to have great and awesome sex and only a fraction even involve a penis; if that fraction is the only kind of sex that you're having...that seems like the bigger problem.

Luckily, it's also an easily solved one.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Head & a Latte

So long as all the workers, from waitresses to cleaning staff to the sex workers, are treated and paid well, as well as of course the customers come away happy with their experience, this sounds great. 

And, while not for me personally (I personally like to know my partners well before sharing secretions), there really ought to be a female equivalent.

But, hey, if everything is ethical and sex-positive, I'd be down to pay for overpriced coffee and the experience of witnessing the atmosphere.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Dildos for Democracy: Meet the Dominatrix Running for President

Love the concept of spreading awareness of issues the kink community and the sex worker community face through satire and humor. We face real issues that need real solutions and humor is often a great way of shining a spotlight on those kinds of issues by getting the attention of people who weren't inclined to hear the message before.

Not sure I like this particular way of doing it.

I wish Dildos For Democracy sent sex-negative politicians e-dildos instead and used the money it raised to go to things like the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom or the Sex Workers Outreach Project, where it could do more good than just inconveniencing Trump's campaign interns.

That's a cause I would gladly support and donate to.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Playmate Pamela Anderson's Present No-Fap Porn-Worrying

So Pamela Anderson is back in the news, defending her hypocritical, sexist, uneducated, no-fap porn-worrying. Saying that “when porn becomes a replacement for real, live, sexual interactions between loving adults, we’re all in trouble. When the impersonal nature of porn supplants the passion and intimacy of real lovemaking, then we’ve lost the ability to connect. (…) And the growing addiction to porn is creating a level of sexual desensitization that requires a national conversation. Porn is teaching men to view women as caricatures who are all cover and no book, all form and no substance. Both men and women deserve better.”

Which, to be fair, sounds good. 

Until you realize that it doesn’t make any sense.

One: Way to be a self-hater, Anderson. You made your fame, your lifestyle, and your fortunes off of the adult sex industry. And, now that you have all those things, you feel like you're the person to throw the people in the industry and its consumers under the bus by calling them losers? I think those men and women, both creators and consumers, deserve better from you.

Two: Who are you to judge other people’s sex lives? Who are you to say that porn can’t be a part of “real, live sexual interactions between loving adults?” Who are you to decide what’s better for other people? Maybe porn doesn’t work for you. That’s fine. But you don’t get to decide what works for someone else. So long as it’s not actively harming anyone, what business is it of yours—any of ours, of anyone—to interfere with other people’s private lives? To say we know best for them? As Tina Horn said about Anderson’s so-called “sensual revolution”, “the idea that ‘porn,’ as a whole, represents degradation, while ‘erotica’ describes something pure and healthy, is a totally bunk proposition. It’s based on a subjective and classist idea of taste — how can Anderson (or anyone) tell us what distinguishes ‘porn’ from ‘erotica’? We should always be suspicious of such assertions, because who ultimately gets to dictate what is ‘good’ sex and what is ‘bad’ sex? The powerful people, the people with social capital.” And, as we've seen from celebrities to lawmakers, the people in power are probably not the most qualified people to decide this.

Three: You are confusing the issue. The problem is not porn; the problem is how we as a society discuss and think about sex. The one thing I will agree with is that we need to have a national conversation about this, because we are still not getting it right.

Most often, when you hear this topic discussed, it’s by pearl-clutching parents who somehow think that if they wring their hands enough and stand on enough soap boxes maybe their kids will somehow consume less porn then they do. Spoiler: they won’t. And pretending like you can somehow stop them does no one any good, least of all your kids. 

If you're really all that worried about what your children will think of porn and how it will affect their ideas about sex, you could...oh, I don't know, talk to your child about sex and porn and how you fear it might affect them. You could talk to them about what sex in the real world looks like and how it differs from a lot of the unrealistic and often harmful narratives in porn. You could direct them to sites, like Scarleteen, that talk about sexual education and answer many of the questions far too many teens seek out answers to in porn.

You could also acknowledge that people, from teens to adults, will view porn. They will also likely enjoy viewing porn. Because most people, male & female, do. And, acknowledging that truth, you could advise your kids to be smart and responsible with their porn consumption. You could try having this conversation more than once. You could make it part of the conversation of parenting.

And you yourself could advocate for more ethical porn, where the producers of porn, from the actors to the writers to the filmmakers, are all treated well and act responsibly, where they care about the content they create and the impact it makes on the world around them, and where basic standards of decency like consent and mutual pleasure are emphasized.

There is a lot, as a concerned person, you could do to help fix the "public-health crisis" of porn in real and tangible ways beyond just freaking out and longing for days that are never coming back and likely never existed. Because I remember what it was like getting porn before the internet; it wasn't that hard and was often more nonconsensually toxic without a lot of the more ethical options we have today. And, as Tina Horn also said, like a lot of the things we love, from skydiving to ice cream, “Porn and sexting are treats (…) So treat yourself in moderation, if you’re so inclined. And don’t let anyone shame you — you deserve it.”

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Don't Use Kink to Justify Rape

I hate this so much. Canadian Justice Robin Camp acquitted a rapist, telling the victim that Sex and pain sometimes go together. That's not necessarily a bad thing. And adding, Sex is very often a challenge.


Just stop.

Don't ever use the existence of ethical, safe, and sane BDSM between consensual partners to justify the horrific crime of rape. Don't even insinuate it. They may look the same to people who willfully want to misunderstand them, but they are polar opposites

It's true that pain and sex and power exchange can go together. Very pleasurably.

But consent is what makes that true. Consent, in the kink world (and the vanilla world, as well), is king. Without consent, sex--even the most vanilla, socially acceptable sex--is rape. Without active and enthusiastic consent, whatever the action, it's a violation.

Thankfully, the Alberta Appeal Court has ordered a new trial for the man Camp acquitted after hearing from the victim that, during the trial, Camp “made comments asking me why didn’t I close my legs or my ankles together. ... What did he expect me to say to something like that?” Also, saying, “I hate myself that I let that happen and I let that judge speak to me that way.”

No one should ever feel that way. And it is disgustingly disheartening that we keep having to have this conversation.


Just, please, stop.

Well, My Bus Ride is Ruined

::sigh:: Just heard a woman on my bus kink shame her friend who's into suspension, calling him a sex offender & a pedophile who she wouldn't let near her kid. 

Really hope your kid isn't kinky.

For parents scared to let kinky people near their kid, there's a chance your kid is kinky.

Maybe take a tip from us and learn to play nice.

Don't Be "That Guy"

So I was told that I haven't been posting here as much as I should. And that's very true. 
I've been unforgivably lazy and have been doing more small posts on Facebook & Twitter; so please come follow me there to keep up with what I'm up to. 
But, for the moment, I thought I'd share some of my favorite posts from the past few weeks here too:

There's been a lot of talk about how to (and how not to) approach women in public. I think a lot of the over-the-top rhetoric about this is unnecessarily hyperbolic, but the main point is perfect.

Guys, if you want to approach a woman who is reading or has headphones in or is otherwise engaged in an activity in which, if it were you doing it, you wouldn't want to be disturbed, just don't.

Because I, like almost every other woman, has been on the other end of these encounters before, and believe us when we tell you, they never end well.

They're awkward and uncomfortable and are just an unpleasant interruption to whatever we were doing before you decided you wanted to try to orchestrate your own meet-cute.

The few times this has gone well, in my experience, it's always been with people who were naturally great cold conversationalists. People for whom talking to strangers and getting them to engage with them was a skill they already had. Sales people. Entertainers. People people.

If you're taking advice from some BS PUA punk on the internet..I hate to break it to you, but you're not that kind of guy.

And that's okay.

You are another kind of guy. Be that guy. Be the best "that guy" you can be. Try online dating. Try joining social groups. Hell, try enjoying the hell out of being single, fill your life up with all the things you really love doing. Who knows, you might end up finding other like-minded people to date while you do. And, even if you don't, you'll still have a life full of pretty awesome stuff.

Because, yeah, trying a strategy that requires skills you clearly don't I said, I can say with a good amount of surety it's not going to go well. Unless you really want to come off as the most awkward, inconvenient part of her commute.