For all the people who ask me for advice or "just want to talk" but who really just want a hook-up or a date or to trade nudes...just stop. Cut out the middleman. I know--you know--we know that you're just going to ask me anyway.
It will not be any less awkward then.
It will be more so, because you'll have asked me for advice or asked to get to know me better, I will have given it, only to have you completely disregarded it in the next message.
If you want to know my advice for success in the kink community, here it is: Do your research.
- Join forums here.
- Read. Read books, read blogs, read articles. Read things you agree with. Read things you don't agree with. Read everything and form your own opinions.
- Listen to podcasts.
- Ask questions.
- Join groups. Go to munches and meet up with and befriend the people whose lifestyle you want to be a part of.
- And, when you meet those people, respect their boundaries. At every step. Because not doing so is the fastest way to never get what you want.
For the love of whatever god you subscribe to, learn who we are, as people, and don't automatically treat us like some shady personals ad in the back of a porno mag or your personal walking, talking sex-doll fantasy come to life.
Don't assume that just because we're kinky or sex-positive or sexually open that we're obviously and inevitably going to be interested in every sexual invitation extended to us.
That's not how this works.
In fact, studies show that the more kinky, sex-positive, and sexually open a person tends to be--particularly for women--the more likely we are to believe in advocating for ourselves. The more we're going to believe in and act on our right to say yes and no to whomever we please. For whatever reason we please.
And the less likely we are to put up with the bullshit dance of people who try to weasel around our "no."
And, I know, that's hard to hear.
But it's a good thing.
Because it means you can stop doing the bullshit dance. You can take us at our word. When we say yes, you can enjoy a partner who is as into it as you. Who's going to be an active and enthusiastic partner.
And, when we say we're not interested, you can be sure that we're not and you can move on to someone else without needing to waste anymore time, either yours or ours.
So, please, learn to simply ask for what it is you really want.
If you want a hook-up, ask.
If you want to date, ask.
If you want head. If you want anal. If you want cuckolding. If you want age-play. If you want D/s. If you want ball-busting. If you want a threesome.
Do yourself a favor and learn the best ways to ask. There are groups for people looking for most things. There are groups and services for people looking for threesomes and hook-ups and dates. There are groups and services where you can trade nudes or dirty talk with people. There are groups and services for people into ball-busting and cuckolding. There are munches for age-play and D/s. Search in places where others are searching for the same thing; you're much more likely to find what you're looking for there.
After all, you wouldn't go up to a stranger and ask for a job. You wouldn't apply to a retail store for a medical position. You wouldn't randomly try to sell your car to your waitress.
If you already know what you want, look for someone looking for you. Who is already looking for what you have to offer. Who actively wants what you have to give. It's how we treat every other aspect of our lives. I promise, sex and love can work the same way.
So very little in life is guaranteed, so set yourself up for success as much as you can.
And, finally, understand that, by asking, all you're requesting is an answer.
No one owes you an answer.
And, certainly, no one owes you the one you want to hear.