The Deviant Nerd - The Things Silence Says

The Things Silence Says

Brought to you by Kinksters at Play, join the cast of Donovan's Door in this interconnected collection of stories.

Question: Hey Pip,

Last week, my boyfriend told me that he cheated on me with one of his classmates. I told him then that I needed time to think about things and I would tell him when I was ready to talk. But it's been a week later and I still don't know what to say! I've thought about it and thought about it, but I still don't know if I want to stay with him or break up with him. 

He's called and texted me a couple of times to tell me that he knows I need space, but he wants me to know that he's sorry and he hopes that I'll find it in my heart to forgive him.

But I don't know if I can. I want to, but I just don't know.

Then, yesterday, he cornered me after class and said that I was being really spiteful and mean, shutting him out like this. I tried to tell him that I wasn't trying to shut him out. That I just wanted time to think. He told me that the silent treatment was hurting him and that, if I wanted to yell at him or break up with him or whatever, that I should just do it and get it over with, so we can move on.

And a part of me wants to yell, but I don't know what to yell. I know it's been a long time, but isn't it better to think things through so you can work things out logically rather than get into some screaming match you might regret later?

– Not the Spiteful Silent Treatment

———

Pip: Hey Silent Treatment,

First off, I'm sorry you were cheated on; that hurts and can be very hard to process. I definitely can understand why you would need some time to think about this. And I absolutely applaud you on wanting to take the time to really think about what you want and what your options are before coming to a decision.

That being said, I also understand where your boyfriend is coming from. Which is on the other side of that silence. While your extended thinking-time makes complete sense to you—filled with the opportunity to order and weigh your thoughts—for him, that silence is completely empty—an unanswered void that leaves his love life hanging uncertainly while he waits on the other side of that silent wall to see what you decide. 

You may not have the handle you're looking for on your thoughts, but at least you have some grasp of them. He has no idea what you're thinking or feeling. And a week is a long time to wait and worry about all the ways your life could go.

I'm not saying that you have to rush to an agreement on his account; you should take all the time you need to come up with a decision. It's unfair that he's trying to rush you—to shift the burden of responsibility from him to you. He screwed up; the least he owes you is the chance to decide for yourself if he's worth the work of piecing together the trust he's broken.

But, maybe, you should try talking to him about it. 

And, believe me, I know that isn't always easy. It really never is. Being honest like that requires you to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of another person, allows them to see you when you're unsure and unprepared. You sound young and you probably don't have a ton of experience dealing with this kind of thing. Of course, you're having a hard time figuring out what to say. So might help to write some things down first. 

Jot down how his cheating made you feel. Let him know how he hurt you. Let him know how confused you are. Think about questions you might want to ask him; see what he has to say. See if what he was thinking and feeling at the time changes how you feel now. Find ways to make it easier for you to let him in on what's going on in your head and give him a chance to let you in on what's going on in his.

Because you've been silent for seven days now and still aren't any closer to a decision. Your silent treatment may not be spiteful, but it isn't being very useful at the moment either. 

So talk.

Listen.

Then think some more. And, hopefully, since you couldn't find your answer on your side of the silence, you can break down the wall between you two and find it there.

Best of luck on whatever you decide.

– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - It's All a Numbers Game

It’s All a Numbers Game

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by Opening Donovan's Door, explore more of the Donovan's Door world in this interactive story. Click, play, come.

Question: Hey Pip,

All my friends—even my friends who are girls—have had more sexual partners than me. I’m an eighteen-years-old guy and getting ready to graduate and go off to college and I haven’t been on dates with or even kissed as many girls as my friends have slept with. My friends all think that I should spend this summer beefing up my number, so I’m not heading off to college behind everyone else, experience-wise. Is this a good idea? And how should I go about doing that?

– Is It Too Small?

———

Pip: Hey Is It,

For a guy playing a numbers game, you don’t actually give me many. You’re 18 and have had x number of partners. I know that x is less than a, given that a is the average number of partners your friends say they’ve been with. And you have 3 months to increase x to equal a, right?

Now, to be honest, I was an abysmal algebra student—so bear with me on this. I’m pretty sure that, if x < a, then in order to figure out how to make x = a by adding 3 months, I need to know y. 

As in why do you care if you’ve had more, less, or exactly the same number of sexual partners as anyone else?

It doesn’t actually sound like you do. Looking at your letter, you say that your friends think that your number is too small. Even your moniker asks if your unsaid number is too small.

And the only person who can answer that is you.

You’re eighteen. You haven’t even graduated high school yet. I don’t know what your number is and I don’t know what your friends’ numbers are but there’s a good chance that the measuring system you’re using is a bit off.

I may have been terrible at algebra, but I’m pretty good at my statistics. And current stats tell us that, on average, men typically have 6 partners and women have 4. 

On average, men kiss about 16 people and women kiss about 15. Men will have 8 first dates, 3 blind dates, and 3 online hook-ups. Women will go on 7 first dates, 2 blind dates, and 2 internet-enabled encounters. Men will also have, on average, 6 long-term relationships that last longer than a year, while women will have 5. 

And that’s in their entire lifetime. The average person doesn’t even experience their first kiss until they’re 15. And 17 is the average age that people lose their virginities. 

You’re 18; you’re just starting out on your sexual journey, how big does your number need to be right now? Chances are good that, whatever your number is—even if it were 0—you’d still be pretty on par with your fellow in-coming freshmen.

So, then, if all those stats are true, how is it that your friends’ numbers seem so high?

There are a couple of reasons.

The less likely reason could be that you just know some statistically more sexually active people. National statistical averages, after all, take a wide range of numbers and average them out, so it doesn’t take into account the high highs and the low lows, just the average. So it’s possible that you know a lot of people on the higher end of this kind of survey.

However, more likely, you know a lot of people who fudge and fib about where exactly they lie on this kind of survey. Remember the statistic about average sexual partners a person has in their entire lifetimes? Well, another survey conducted by Norman Brown and Robert Sinclair found that the women they surveyed reported 8 total partners, as opposed to 7. Which isn’t too far off, right? Except when they surveyed men, Brown and Sinclair found that men, on average, self-reported having an average of 32 partners, as opposed to 10.

You just can’t trust anyone, can you?

After their initial questions, Brown and Sinclair asked their subjects if they’d lied about the number of partners they’d been with. And 5% of respondents admitted that they had. And another 10% said that, while they didn’t think they’d lied, per se, they did know that their answers may have been less than accurate.

So, at the end of the day, what does this all mean? What does that number—what do any of these numbers—even tell you? Do they tell you anything useful about a person? Does the number of partners tell you how good or bad a person is at this terribly complicated thing called dating? Does it tell you anything about how good a person is in bed? What kind of skill as a lover they have? Or is more information needed?

If the relationships you’ve been in—be they one-night-stands, long-term relationships, or something in between—added something positive to your life. Left you feeling wiser, happier, more mature, more loved, more experienced. If they helped you grow as a person. That, more than some number—especially someone else’s number—is a much better measuring stick, experience-wise.

– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - Someone Lied to You

Someone Lied to You

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by Give to Me, a short story that keeps it hot on a frozen night.

Question: Hey Pip,

I look at a lot of porn. More than anyone I know. Am I addicted to it?

– How Much Is Too Much?

———

Pip: Hey How Much,

Easy answer: No.

Recent studies are showing that porn addiction isn’t real. In fact, it seems our whole concept of porn addiction has less to do with health or science than it does philosophy and beliefs. If a person thinks that consuming porn at all is a moral ill, chances are higher that they’ll view their own viewing habits—no matter how much or how little they actually stack up when compared to statistical averages—as signs of addition.

So, again, the easy answer to your question is no, you are not and clinically cannot be addicted to porn.

However (isn’t there always a “however”), while porn addiction, as a medical diagnosis, may not be a real thing, porn—just like alcohol, caffeine, shopping, food, internet-surfing, and exercise—can be done in excess. If it interferes with you living your life—if it makes it so you can’t hold down a job or you use it as replacement for human contact or you have a hard time separating porn from realistic, real life expectations, interactions, relationships, and sex—than you may have unhealthy porn habits.

Don’t get me wrong; porn is great! I love porn! Under normal circumstances, it’s good and healthy and fun. Experts are finding that there are “no sign that use of pornography is connected to erectile dysfunction, or that it causes any changes to the brains of users. Also, despite great furor over the effects of childhood exposure to pornography, the use of sexually explicit material explains very little of the variance in adolescents’ behaviors.” In fact, it’s been found that porn just may “improve attitudes towards sexuality, increase the quality of life and variety of sexual behaviors and increase pleasure in long-term relationships.”

But it—like alcohol, caffeine, shopping, food, internet-surfing, and exercise—should be a part of your life, not consume the whole of it. If you can maintain a healthy balance with it, if it brings you pleasure and release and satisfaction, then enjoy it! And stop worrying how much porn everyone else is watching.

Chances are, according to studies, they’re probably lying anyway.


– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - Don’t Be Someone’s Angry Tumblr Post

Don’t Be Someone’s Angry Tumblr Post

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by Show Me, Sir, a feminist novel that explores one woman's journey into life, love, and... less than conventional longings

Question: Hey Pip,

Last weekend, I introduced my new girlfriend to my friends and, while it all went fine, I guess, afterward, my friends sort of joked that I’m racist. See, I’m white, but four out of the six relationships I’ve had in my life, including this one, have been with Asian girls. 

And, even though I kinda laughed it off at the time, now, it’s messing with my head. When I was younger, I was really into anime and Japanese culture. Still am now, but not to the same degree. And, it’s not like I don’t find other types of women attractive, but, I don’t know, I just really find Asian women really beautiful.

I mean, I have friends who prefer blonds over brunettes or bigger boobs over smaller ones or tall women over shorter ones. Is liking Asian women over other types really that different? I don’t feel like I’m fetishizing my girlfriends, but does the fact that I’ve mostly dated Asian girls make me some kind of racist?

– Am I That Guy?

———

Pip: Hey That Guy,

So are you some kind of racist?

Hmmm, I guess that entirely depends on how you treat your girlfriends. To be fair, considering your history—loving anime and Japanese culture, your dating history, the women you go for—yeah, I can see how your friends may have gotten there. It sounds like you just might have an Asian fetish.

But does that make you a racist? Is it necessarily, always and already, a bad thing?

Exactly as you said—just like guys who prefer blond or more endowed or taller women—most everyone’s got a type they gravitate to, that they find themselves inexplicably drawn and attracted to. And, for you, that type is Asian women. And, for the most part, I think that’s awesome.

Just so long as you remember that people—blond, brunette, endowed or not-so-much, tall, short, Asian, white, whatever—are people first. Are absolutely and without exception more than just that feature you’re initially attracted to.

So take a good look at why you prefer Asian women. Is it because, as you say, you find them aesthetically beautiful? Because something about the way they look and sound and feel is just inexplicably appealing?

Or is it that you like the idea of Asian women? 

You said you’ve watched a lot of anime. You’ve immersed yourself in Japanese culture. There’s a good chance you have a certain idea of what it means to be an Asian woman because of all that. And that certain idea—particularly among Asian American women—may not be true. The idea that they’re shy and submissive. Or giggly and perky. Or mysterious and exotic.

I guarantee you, not every Asian woman is going to fit that description all the time. Because, again, people are people; they aren’t cultures or cartoons. And it is racist to take a whole and complete person and rewrite their specific personal history and experiences to fit ideas and expectations you have because of things you’ve seen or read. To assume that, based solely on what they look like, you know what type of person they are. 

As odd as it sounds, when it comes to the physical types you’re attracted to—Asians, blondes, redheads, BBWs, etc.—it’s actually less objectifying to find them attractive because of what they look like than because of how you think they are or ought to be.

Hey, if you like (insert type here: Asians, blondes, redheads, BBWs, etc.)? 

Yay! Like I said, everyone’s got a type.

Think they’re sexy? 

Super yay! Who doesn’t love to know people find them attractive? If you’re (insert type here), you want to be with someone who finds that type beautiful. Who is turned on by what you have to offer.

But—and it’s a big, big, BIG but—if you think (insert type here) is (insert stereotype here: easy, sexually freaky, shy and submissive, desperate, etc.) because of that, that’s when you end up the subject of someone’s angry tumblr post. And rightfully so.

You should be attracted to the people you’re into. And you should never let anyone make you feel ashamed about it. So long as you’re into them because you’re drawn to who they are—what they look like as well as the person their lives and experiences have made them—not who you expect them to be based on how they look. 

Because, while you may have a fetish—and that’s normal and okay—the people you date should never be treated as if they are fetishes. 


– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - Lousy Lay

Lousy Lay

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by Opening Donovan's Door, explore more of the Donovan's Door world in this interactive story. Click, play, come.

Question: Hey Pip,

I’m an older gentlemen with not a lot of experience. And most of that experience isn’t great, I’m afraid. Like my last relationship, if that’s what we’re calling it, where the woman I was dating pretty much did the infamous fade-away breakup after we had sex.

Now it’s not that I think I’m some kind of sex god, but I didn’t think I was THAT bad. But, looking back, yeah, I guess it wasn’t great. Like she was really quiet the whole time and I think I took too long to come or something. Hell, maybe I came too soon, I don’t know. But it felt like forever. I kept pounding away and it wasn’t really doing anything for either of us. I kept waiting for sparks or chemistry, like with the guys you see in porn who just power-drive women to orgasm, but nothing.

Then I kept getting distracted with thoughts about whether I was making weird noises or expressions. There’s nothing more boner-killing than thinking about yourself flopping around a lot and making funny faces as you gasp and sweat all over this beautiful woman. I kept thinking that this must be what it’s like to be fucked by a fish that got stuck on shore. I kept thinking, yah, if I were looking up at that I’d probably have a hard time coming too.

What do I do next time, with the next woman? How do I get better at this? Or are there just people who are bad at sex?

– Something Fishy

———

Pip: Hey Fishy,

Sorry that things didn't go well with this woman, but don't lose hope. Bad sex happens, to everyone, but you do not have to resign yourself to being bad at sex. If you find that what you’re doing isn’t doing it, change it.

Don’t think that sex needs to be the way it often looks in porn, some inexplicable, “Look, Ma, no hands” activity. It’s the beauty of being kinky; we’re problem-solvers. Try toys. Try new positions. Try watching porn together. Trying incorporating other forms stimulation, like manual and oral, along with penetrative sex. For both of you.

Ask most women, the piston-pumping part of sex is rarely ever the highlight of their experience. If you’re foreplaying right, you shouldn’t have to piston-fuck her like a porn star to orgasm; believe me, most women won’t want you to anyway. Statistically, a significant portion of women physically can’t orgasm from penile penetration alone. Most women prefer other activities like oral and fingering and toys in addition to penetration. Most women I know need and want all the other stuff that too often gets glossed over in porn. Doing these activities is not and should never be seen as failing the job; they are essential tools in your bag to getting that job done. They are shining signs of success, never failure.

Play around. Figure out what you like, what your partner likes. Ask questions. Check in. Getting ready to kick off some sexy times? Ask a question. “What do you want?” Switching up positions or trying something new? Ask a question. “Do you like this?” Not getting much of a reaction or getting one that you're not sure of? Ask some questions. “What does this feel like? What can I do to make this better for you?” Especially for people worried about their experience level, it’s the best way to get vital information you both need to make sure everyone has a good time. It’s the only way to get real-time updates on what’s working and what’s not.

And, if one thing isn’t working, move on to the next. Sex is an adaptive activity. You have to adapt to new partners because everyone is different. You have to adapt to new conditions and experiences, because what worked last night may be out of commission the next morning. There is no secret trick to sex, no surefire moves or guarantees, and anyone who tells you different is selling something. Why else do you think kinky people since the dawn of time have been refining and redefining how humans have sex? If there weren’t someone out there—lots and lots and lots of someones—who needed vibrators and positions and kinks to get off, do you really think we’d have so many?

And, the fact of the matter is, no one actually wants there to be surefire guarantees. Not really. That would take all the fun out of sex. Sex is the most intimate way you can get to know a person, to explore the parts of them that they don’t just let anyone muck about with. If you had some move or toy or whathaveyou that worked on everyone every time...sex would suddenly get super boring and stale very fast.

So embrace the fact that sometimes orgasms are hard. That they are sometimes impossible. Measure your sex-success by the exploration of the act. By the things you learn about yourself and your partners. By the pleasure you have overall and not just the end.

And, remember, if the sex sucked, you cannot logically hold all the blame. Your partner was there too. And, if she’s disappointed that she didn’t come, that’s partly on her too. Because, if she never told you how to get her to come—didn’t give you direction or feedback—how were you supposed to know? You’re not a mindreader and shouldn’t have to be. If coming was so important to her pleasurable experience (and it’s not to everyone, by the by)—so much so that she did the fade-away break-up—she should have fought for it more. If she didn’t work for it, especially if you were, how’s that all your fault? We're called sex partners for a reason; it's supposed to be a partnership.

And one last thing: as for the “flopping around a lot and making funny faces as you gasp and sweat all over this beautiful woman. I kept thinking that this must be what it’s like to be fucked by a fish that got stuck on shore;” that’s everyone. Sex, divorced from how much fun it is, is one of the most humiliating and disgusting acts imaginable. If it weren’t for the fact that it feels amazing, who would ever want to do it? You do rather ridiculous, odd things and look rather ridiculous and odd while doing it just to chase pleasure. Sounds a little strange and pointless saying it. 

Except, if you’re doing it right, it really does feel AMAZING. So amazing that, inexplicably, you couldn’t really care less what face that shore-stuck, gasping, flopping fish fucking you is making so long as they just keeps doing whatever they’re doing so you can make your own funny, spasmodically aquatic face. Do it enough times with that person, you start to really love that fitful fish’s facial contortions. Gives you an irrational and satisfying charge seeing it. 

Again, these are signs of success, not failure. If you’re composed enough to not make weird sounds and faces, to have the kind of flawlessly film-ready sex in porn, I’m pretty sure you could probably be having much better sex.

– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - The Expansion Pack of Love

The Expansion Pack of Love

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by Kinksters at Play, join the cast of Donovan's Door in this interconnected collection of stories.

Question: Hey Pip,

So I’m a eighteen-year-old lesbian in my first real relationship with another girl. It’s also my first BDSM relationship. I’m seeing a twenty-year-old bisexual submissive, who’s only done BDSM relationships her entire life. And, while I really like doing what we’re doing—spanking, role-play, power-exchange, and sex better and hotter than I could have ever imagined—I really like this girl and would really like to have a relationship that’s more than just the kink. 

But, when I ask her, she says that she doesn’t do those kinds of things, that dating and romance and stuff is for vanilla people and would ruin what we have for her. That she couldn’t see me as her Domme, if I was her girlfriend. That the roles just wouldn’t fit for her. 

She told me that she sometimes goes through that phase too, when she wants a real relationship, but that kink always calls her back. Last night, she told me that, if I really want to date someone, I should go find someone else to be vanilla with; she’ll wait for me when that fails and I come back to her. Does it have to be an either/or kind of thing or is it possible to have both? Do I have to give up dating if I want to be kinky?

– Is Romance the New Taboo?

———

Pip: Hey Romance,

I find it odd that you say that the only relationships your submissive has ever had are kinky ones, yet she doesn’t seem to know much about how most successful kinky relationships—or how most healthy kinky people—work. 

She seems to be under the impression that BDSM relationships aren’t real relationships. That kinky sex and play are completely separate from—seem to almost negate, in her mind—romantic love. And, while not every BDSM relationship is a romantic one, to say that no BDSM relationship involves romance is just not true.

And I get it, I do. It’s a common issue for kinksters—particularly beginners—who can’t conceive of the D/s roles unless they keep them completely, all the time. It’s that desire for the 24/7 D/s relationship that everyone hears about so often but seems like Bigfoot when looking at the actual landscape of kink. It’s like we can’t envision ourselves as kinky unless we see vanilla people and vanilla life as our polar opposite. But the two aren’t quite so black and white.

In fact, none of us—or at least a negligibly small number of us—started out our dating lives as kinksters. Most of us didn’t even know we were kinky until later in life. It’s true that a lot of us had inklings toward kinky things (I read books and played out very kinky scenarios with my toys from as young as three years old), but none of us are born with the knowledge or terms. 

Like being gay, it’s something that we grow into, that we learn about ourselves over time. The number of vanilla partners I’ve had vastly outnumber the number of kinky ones I’ve had. In high school, I dated boys who knew little to nothing about sex at all, much less kink (hey, we all have to start somewhere). In college, I dated guys and girls who were just figuring out how to please women sexually at all—I didn’t even know to expect more. I didn’t even identify as kinky until I was twenty-two.

And, even now, as a kinky person, my love life…it doesn’t look all that different from anyone else’s, over all. The fact of the matter is kinky folks—despite what we and everyone else in the world like to think—are just like everyone else. We have relationships. We have the same banal dating histories and past experiences. We go on regular dates. We have regular sex. We kiss. We make love. We fuck like bunnies. Hell, we even cuddle and use condoms! For the most part, we lead fairly normal lives and all that entails. We aren’t dark fairy tale characters who live and love outside the regular world, like the movies and books would like us to think. We’re chiropractors and stay-at-home moms. We’re next-door-neighbors and school teachers.

We just have…leather-wearing alter egos and toy bags shoved in the back of our closets. 

Think of kink as essentially the advanced expansion pack of relationships. It isn’t the entirety of the game and it certainly isn’t a starter set. It’s not something that you just pick up and play. I’m of the belief that it should exist in your head and your fantasies for a good long while before you ever crack open that toy box. 

Because this lifestyle takes real thought. It takes preparation and extra effort to make into a reality. And it puts you—top or bottom—in a place of vulnerability and you want to know before you’re whip-deep in a scene that you’re ready for it. To just jump in without that time, effort, experience, and thought would be like trying to fly a plane before ever learning how to ride a bike, much less drive a car. 

And, while you’re taking all that time, effort, experience, and thought, get good at the vanilla stuff. Because a kinkster needs to already be good at the regular stuff—dating, kissing, non-kinky sex—before ever even considering playing around with the more complicated stuff. 

Like I said, kinky relationships consist mostly of the everyday, normal stuff. So if you haven’t got that down yet, if you think that that’s for other people to worry about, you haven’t really got a relationship worth having. Moreover, if you don’t understand the basics of how to make a relationship work, you really aren't equipped with enough knowledge about yourself, others, or the world, haven’t gained enough experience, or developed enough emotional tools to move on from the starter set to the next level of this highly stylized and very complex lifestyle. It would be like building a fancy roof without having a foundation, a structure, or even a plan for your house. It’s nice to have, but what the hell do you do with it?

So, yes, Romance, you can and should have both the romance and the kink that you want, but maybe not right now. Not until you know a little more about love, kink, life, and yourself. And, if she can’t or won’t give it to you, you should definitely not be looking for it with this girl.


– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - Waking Up From The Dream Girl

Waking Up From The Dream Girl

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by The Roles We Play, a Donovan's Door collection that explores roles, identity, and pleasure.

.

Question: Hey Pip,

I’m a twenty-five-year-old guy and I’ve been in love with the same girl for fourteen years. We were childhood sweethearts, really. We spend all our time together and are the picture of happiness.

The thing is…she’s not real.

I mean, maybe she is. A lot of times, I’ll think about her out there in the world somewhere thinking about me. I’ll think of all the ways we’ll meet and what our lives will be like when we finally do.

She’s kinda short, definitely like 5’3” or so, so she’s not taller than me but still in non-awkward kissable range. She has this amazing blond hair, like sunlight on your pillow first thing in the morning. She’s curvy, you know, not too thin but still healthy with a body that I can really hold on to—if you know what I mean ;)

But more than that, she’s really nice. Loves to play video games and going to indie rock concerts with me. She likes comedies, but not the dumb rom-com ones. She loves Thai food and dessert, but prefers to cook rather than eat out.

And she’s submissive. Like, a true submissive. Who loves to serve me and is happiest when she knows I’m happy. And she’s really into bondage. She only feels really right when tied up or restrained and at my mercy. She’s not really into pain, but she lets me spank her and beat her with toys because she knows it pleases me. She might cry a little, but she never denies me. And, secretly, she likes it because she knows it turns me on.

Pretty much, she’s everything I could ever want and I honestly think I’m in love with her. Like we’re soulmates and no one else will do.

And, there were even a few times that I thought I’d found her. Dated girls who looked just like her or seemed like they could be her, but they never are.

I worry that I’ll never meet her and be alone forever, in love with a girl I’ve never even met.

What do I do? Do I settle for something less? Or keep up the search?

– Have You Seen Her?

———

Pip: Hey Seen,

I think we’ve all done this. We’ve all made up Dream Girls and Prince Charmings in our minds who we’d hoped would sweep in and make fairytales of our lives.

But most of us realize that those dreams are just that: fantasies. They don’t exist in real life. Not really.

And, I know, we were all promised that someday our prince will come. And that the one is out there. But they won’t and they aren’t. Because they can’t. 

Because fantasies can’t exist in reality.

You have this exacting image of what your dream girl looks like in your head. She’s beautiful. Flawless. Exactly what you’ve always dreamed of. But no one looks like that outside a magazine. Because everybody’s got flaws. 

Not even really flaws. Rather, distinguishing characteristics. And, often, it’s those odd and unusual qualities about a person that become the most attractive features. A gap in their teeth that shows every time they smile honestly. The left breast that is slightly smaller than the right that she obsesses over and convinces herself makes her ugly but fits perfectly in your hands. Hell, it could even be the Donald Duck tattoo that she has on her ass that she can’t remember getting but doesn’t have the heart to get removed. 

These are the things we remember. These are the details that not only tell us what a person looks like physically, but who they are as a person. And those are the things you can’t imagine right now on your own; you can only discover them with someone else. And, if you spend all your time looking for a list of features from your dreams, you’re going to miss out on all the other discoveries you could find in a real person.

Added to this, you’re very specific about what you want and what you’re looking for personality-wise and are disappointed and disillusioned when you can’t find it. The fact is no one person is going to be into everything you are. And any girl you meet is going to have interests and a life of her own. 

And you’re going to want that.

No one wants to date themselves. You think you do—a lot of us did, at one point or another—but you don’t. You already have you; wouldn’t you get bored with a spare? You want someone who shares your interests, sure, but you also want someone who brings something new to the table. Because she’s going to be the person who introduces you to all these new things. And you’re going to be the person who gives her new experiences. Together, you are going to be the reason you both grow into better, more interesting people.

And, as for looking for a true submissive. Aw, honey, you are looking for what EVERY Dom out there fantasizes about. The perfect sub. They don’t exist. And you are shooting yourself in the foot by holding out for her. 

Because real life kinky girls hate guys who obsess over perfect dream girls, especially if they’re rejecting real women in favor of the fantasy. Because those guys have this unrealistic laundry list of all the things they expect you to be, do, and say, while expecting you to take them as is, which is far from flawless. Those guys don’t deserve a real woman; they deserve to be left alone with their wank fodder.

Don’t be that guy. 

Because as much as I don’t like That Guy—as much as other girls and people in general don’t like him—he will hate himself and the hole he’s dug for himself by holding so hard to that dream. Because his fascination with perfection will leave him alone and unhappy for the rest of his life. 

Because, even if he found the girl in his dreams, he still wouldn’t be happy with her because no one can live up to a dream girl. Because real women have bad days, bad moods, PMS, screw ups. We fart. We piss. We get sick. We have our own fantasies and limits and they will not always or even likely line up exactly with his. 

Guys—and, yes, girls (we do it too)—who focus so much on the fantasy, can never be happy with reality because reality can never be fantasy. 

And, I get it, dreaming and loving this girl before you’ve even meet is a popular and romantic notion. But loving perfection isn’t hard. Finding someone who fits your every desire isn’t actually all that romantic. 

It’s convenient. 

Finding someone you click with and making it work, that’s love. And that isn’t settling; that—that effort and that commitment—is how you know that person was worth the search.

– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - The Mating Habits of the Modern Geek

The Mating Habits of the Modern Geek

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by The Taming School, for when you want curling up with a good book to feel like a good post-coital cuddle.

Question: Hey Pip,

Any tips for how geeky guys talk to girls?

– Do Nerdy Guys Finish Last?

——— 

Pip: Hey Nerdy Guy,

So, like most kinky girls, I have a soft spot for nerdy guys. Probably because I, like most kinky girls, am a big ole nerd myself. There is something about the passions of the nerds and geeks and dorks of the world that is incredibly appealing.

And tends to apply to other aspects of life too; there is a reason why kinksters are more often than not geeks. Think about it. What is kink if not geeking the fuck out of sex? Role play and code names. Elaborate, often homemade or hard-to-acquire toys that require skill and practice to wield. An entire lexicon of terms and library of books created to encapsulate the minute nuances of what a person is into. It’s taking the very simple, very basic act of sex and finding ever newer ways to make it as complicated and complex as we can; what is more nerdy than that?

So, yes, my heart goes out to the nerdy guys, kinky and vanilla alike. It’s often so much harder for them than it is for the norms or even for nerdy girls. Because no one ever teaches you how to go for what you want and so often the social game of dating is playing by rules and conventions that just weren’t made for you. That are, in fact, often setting you up for failure.

Take for example, the classic art of the pick-up line. From what I’ve seen, there are so few men in the world who can actually pull these off. It takes a suaveness, a charisma, and—yes—a level of attractiveness that the vast majority of men—geek or not—just do not have. I’m not even sure if many movie stars can pull this off; after all, don’t we all kinda roll our eyes when it happens—and, worse, works—in films?

And, yet, the practice persists. And I don’t know why.

For instance, I saw a geeky guy at the bank a couple of days ago in a Jayne hat—and, if you don’t get the Firefly reference, we may not be nerd-compatible enough to be friends. Anyway, I was waiting for him to finish his transaction so I could compliment him on it. 

When he breezed right by me to hit on a Jimmy Johns girl, saying very intensely, like, two inches from her face:

“So there’s a spaceship traveling at the speed of light, can you guys still get there?”

Facepalm!

1.) Aw, man, learn to scent your own. I was right there. And, while it may not have ended in a date—I mean, even to a geeky chick, this isn’t the most stellar of first impressions—I would have at least been able to come up with an answer to your question beyond “Uhhhh...” and a look that clearly says she thinks you’re nuts.

Most nerds—gotta love ’em—wear their nerdom on their sleeves. Literally. With T-shirts and shoulder bags. With keychains dangling off back packs and patches like bumper stickers on laptop cases. We, so often, fly that geek flag proudly. 

So, if you’re a nerdy guy looking for that perfect nerdy girl, look for the signs. At the very least, look for the girl who scents you. If her head pops up or her eyes go big or she makes the high-pitched squeal of the overjoyed fangirl when she sees your shirt or hat or wallet or whatever, you know like has found like.

2.) If you’re going to hit on girls out of the geek group, you have to come up with better pick-up lines than this. Or better delivery or something. Because you’re already at a disadvantage with these women. They won’t get most of your references. They’ll likely have very different interests than you. And they’re used to a different social pattern and rhythm than you. Finding common ground will not be easy. If you’re going to chat up girls outside the nerdy social circle, you’re going to need a new, non-nerdy approach.

’Cause that Jimmy Johns Girl, who was so very plainly and very painfully not-nerdy, freaky-fast-ed her way out of there. She had no idea what to do with her Jayne-hatted hopeful. Which was fair, since he didn’t really know to do with her either.

3.) Even if you are hitting on geeky girls in-group, you have to come up with better pick-up lines. Geeky chicks are, by and large, smart. We’re funny and fun-loving. If you want to get our attention, just talk to us. Relax and just have a conversation.

Talk to that geeky girl about whatever it is you find interesting about her. Chances are something about her—her hair color, her eyes, her smile, her tattoo, the book she’s reading, or the clothes she’s wearing, whatever—caught your attention and made you stop and notice her.

Go up to her and tell her. Tell her what you like about it. Ask her questions about it. “Nice Star Trek tattoo; that’s in Klingon, right? What’s it say? What did you think about the last movie?” Endeavor to be as interesting to her as she is to you.

Sincere compliments are great conversation starters and—especially if the comment is about something non-superficial or look-based—will tell as much about you for noticing it as it does about her.

Also, realize that there’s no guaranteed topic or line for success and not every brush-off is necessarily about you. There have been many times where I’ve met nice guys but been too busy or preoccupied to suitably respond. Timing—which is so very often completely out of your hands, and hers for that matter—is a very key element to a proper pick-up.


– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - Sucky Pseudonyms

Sucky Pseudonyms

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by Give to Me, a short story that keeps it hot on a frozen night.

Question: Hey Pip,

So I love dirty talk. It totally turns me on. But I’m dating a guy who can’t call my body parts what they are. Try as I might I can’t get him to call my pussy a pussy. Instead, he uses words like “box” and “flower” and “kitten” and I can’t stand it. It is a total libido-killer. How can I get him to stop?

– Euthanize the Euphemisms

———

Pip: Hey Euphemisms,

Huh, I’ve heard “box” and “flower” before, but “kitten” is new. And a little weird. Like pussyfooting your way toward “pussy.” I mean, couldn’t he at least go for a cat-related nickname that didn’t sound like half a step away from baby talk (unless that's your thing, but it doesn’t sound like it is)? At least, “tiger” would make it sound powerful. 

But, as for getting him to stop, does he know that you don’t like the nicknames he’s given your pussy? Because he may be thinking that he’s lavishing your lady bits with cute terms of endearments, not realizing that it isn’t the dirty talk you’re craving. 

Dirty talk is much harder than people think it is. Harder than it really ought to be. But, just as with everything else, we can’t expect our partners to be mind readers when it comes to dirty talk. It’s near impossible to know, from person to person, what words to use to turn them on. Who knows? Maybe he dated a kitten or a flower before you; maybe the women who came before you creamed themselves over boxes. He may be doing all this because he thinks that it’s what you want.

So don’t think about it like it’s something you have to stop. Think of it as something you need to tweak. Because you like dirty talk. You want it. So stopping it is counterintuitive and will bite you in the backside. What you want is to applaud him for doing it at all, while subtly teaching him exactly how you, specifically, like it done.

You need to talk to him. Talk dirty to him. Give him the words you want him to use. Every time he says he wants to stick something in your box or pollinate your flower or pet your kitten or whatever, repeat it back to him using your words. Ask him if he wants to fuck your pussy or come in your cunt or stroke your clit. Get him to repeat the words back to you. Hopefully, he’ll get in the habit of hearing and using the words you want without him feeling like you’re judging him for his less-than-inspiring appellations.

Or, all else fails, you could always ask him, if he gets to call your pussy a kitten, does that mean you get to call his cock a chick?

– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - The Limits of Hard Limits

The Limits of Hard Limits

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by The Roles We Play, a Donovan's Door collection that explores roles, identity, and pleasure.

Question: Hey Pip!

So I just had a BDSM scene with a new top that went wrong and don’t know what to do about it. Before we began, when we were talking about limits, I told him that I was fine with being spanked, flogged, and beaten, but I didn’t want to break skin. I hate blood—just the sight of it makes me sick—and I’m paranoid about anyone at my job or normal life seeing marks or scars, which is why breaking skin is a hard-no for me. 

But, during the scene, while the top was beating me with a knotted flogger, everything was great until he broke skin. The second I felt blood on my upper shoulder, I told him to stop. He did and apologized, but I was still pissed that he broke skin on my shoulder—a place where I’ll have to wear high-backed shirts to cover it until it heals—after I specifically asked him not to. 

He keeps trying to call me, asking me why I won’t talk to him, which just makes me madder. It’s like the kinky equivalent of a hickey! It’s infuriating that I have to worry about hiding the marks just because he couldn’t be more careful.

I want to call him and yell at him, but I don’t know what to tell him. What should I say?

 – Hard-No Means No

———   

Pip: Hey Hard-No,

Honestly, Hard-No, if I were you, I’d call him back, thank him, and apologize. Here’s why.

First off, massive props and enthusiastic back-pats for you and the top for negotiating limits beforehand. It’s always a good idea to get to know where each other’s limits are before the toy bag is ever brought out. 

Because everyone’s got ’em. And well they should. Limits are good things to have. As humans, we work well with limits and boundaries.

But, here’s the thing, we all have to choose our limits wisely.

Hard limits are limits that are non-negotiable. These are things that can end scenes and even relationships. Which means they have to be controllable.

In BDSM, you can have the hard limit of no water sports fairly easily. Don’t piss on me. It’s hard to go through the normal course of a scene and—Opps!—pee on someone. Same thing goes for penetrative sex (Opps! I spanked your ass a little too hard with my cock?). Cutting (Opps! I picked up my knife thinking it was a flogger?). Spanking (Opps! That’s not rope.). Rope and restraints (Opps! That’s not spanking.). Kink is a wide and varied world and you can avoid a lot of things very easily.

Breaking skin on the other hand...

Breaking skin is usually not the goal in kink, but it’s a reasonable risk you run, especially if you’re into heavy sensation play like flogging and beating. And, from your description, it doesn’t sound like there was a lot of damage and he stopped when you asked him to. There’s actually not a whole lot more a top can do than that.

And, I get it, you made a point that to tell him that you didn’t want marks that broke skin but, as the bottom, it was your responsibility—more than anyone’s—to make sure that your limits were respected. It’s an admirable trait and the ultimate goal for a top to be able to read their bottoms perfectly, but that’s something that comes with time, experience, and lots of joint play together as partners. It’s not something that anyone has the right to expect in their first scene together. 

As the bottom, you know the type of play you like, you know what your body can and cannot take, and only you know when something happening in the scene feels good and when it doesn’t, so you have to be the one with your foot on the BDSM break. You have to be your own advocate because it’s a bad idea to expect someone else to be because, even under the best circumstances, no one can read you better than you can.

And, if breaking skin and leaving marks is a hard limit for you, that means you should never have been playing with a knotted flogger or asking to be beaten. A hard limit like that is going to drastically change your style of play. In order, to fully, 100% guarantee that no kind of injury is caused, you have to agree to keeping it fairly light. Which is doable and common; the likelihood of drawing blood from light BDSM play is really slim. 

But, with light play, chances are good you won’t be playing with toys capable of drawing blood. Chances are also really good that you won’t be engaging in play that involves hitting, striking, whipping, flogging, or anything that has the chance of drawing blood. Your play will look completely different than the kind of play that accepts breaking skin and drawing some amount of blood as an expectable risk. 

Like you, I’m not a fan of blood—I don’t even like to see it in the movies—so, yeah, purposefully intending to draw blood is a hard limit for me. I don’t do blood play. I don’t do knife play. I’m good about gauging exactly where my limits are so, I'll stop or pause scenes if I think skin might have broken. 

But I’ve had skin break. I’ve had blood drawn. It happens. It is a risk that I accept in order to do the intense impact play that I love. 

To act as if one can enjoy kink without risk is a little ridiculous. Part of what makes kink fun—what makes it kink—is that it carries some amount of risk. That’s part of its charge.  If all risk is erased, if you’ve controlled and sanitized it to the point of complete safety, you’ve taken kink to a place past vanilla. Because if I’m asking to be beaten but I can’t accept even the possibility of blood, one has to wonder, do I know the meaning of the word “beaten?” 

You can’t actually have both. Can’t be beaten—can’t enjoy the experience of it—without also accepting at least the possibility of damage. You can mitigate how much. You can put in place safety nets and fail safes to minimize risk. And everyone really should; it’s why we play by SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RAC (Risk-Aware, Consensual) rules. But, in order to completely eliminate the possibility of your hard limit about breaking skin, you have to accept that “being beaten” has become a default hard limit.

And to set such a limit but still engage consensually in play that involves that risk and then blame the other person involved when that risk is realized, that’s irresponsible, illogical, and mean. You consented. You accepted your hard limit as an acceptable risk by consenting. When an expectable risk happens, you are now partially to blame. You actually hold most of the blame. Because it was your limit, it was your risk, and you still—with full-knowledge and fully informed-consent—went through with it. 

How is this all someone else’s fault?

Let’s take my favorite example. A week before my friend’s wedding, I went to Donovan’s “Flights of Fancy” play party. I hadn’t intended to play much that night. I was mostly there for atmosphere and social time. But there was a hot, completely drool-worthy Dom there who liked to play rough. So I played. I’d told him that I didn’t want marks because I was about to go to wedding in a strapless dress (hard limit established). But, as we played, we both got really into it and lost our heads (mitigating event). So the play got rougher and rougher and in places where marks would be seen (hard limit broken). And at no time did I stop him (missed window). In fact, I encouraged it (my fault). Which meant I ended up with bruises and marks all over my body (screwed). I remember him apologizing to me afterward, saying that he got caught up in the moment (takes responsibility) and I told him I got caught up too (also takes responsibility) and that it was fine, that I’d figure out some way to work it out. So bought a new dress, made plans to play with the hot Dom again sometime when I didn’t have a wedding to go to a week later, and thought the whole experience well worth the additional cost.

 – Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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The Deviant Nerd - Slippery Roles

Slippery Roles

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by Give to Me, a short story that keeps it hot on a frozen night.

Question: Hey Pip,

When I was in college, I dated an older, submissive guy who introduced me to the scene. I wasn’t really into the whole Domme/sub thing, but he really was and I wanted to make him happy, so I did it for him. And, while I never got all that into the kink side of things, I really liked the people I met in the community and made some really good friends. 

But, shortly after I graduated, the older guy and I broke up. Then I started to date another submissive guy I’d met in the kink scene. And then another guy. And another guy. 

Now it seems like, even when I try to not date kinky guys—like the guys I meet online or through non-kinky friends—I keep ending up with submissive guys looking for a Dominant woman. 

Which is fine, I guess. I mean, I always like the guys as people. We get along and have tons in common. And a part of me really likes the fact that these guys are not only not put off by how pushy and demanding I can be but really like it, which is something that I know can get on some people’s nerves.

It’s just that they keep asking me to do all these things—BDSM, foot fetish stuff, role play, whatever—and, because I like them and want them to like me, I do it. Even though…I don’t get anything out of it.

And, lately, it just feels weird and annoying and even resentful. Like putting on a mask or a costume that doesn’t really fit right. Like I have to step out of myself in order to be the person I know they want me to be.

Like I said, I like the guys I see—they’ve all been really great otherwise—but sometimes it seems like I’m not the one they really want. They want the Domme in the mask. Which is fine, I guess; I can be that girl. It’s just…is it really so much to ask to be wanted for the girl beneath the mask? Can’t I just be enough?

 – Could Be Kinky

———

Pip: Hey Could Be,

I’m going to be honest with you. I think you could be a kinky Dominatrix—you’ve proven that you have the ability to do it and, considering the men you attract, I’d be willing to guess that you have a pretty dominant personality—but I don’t think that you are. Not really.

You see, there is a world of difference between a dominant personality and a Domme, just as there’s a difference between a passive person and a sub. Your boss may have risen to their ranks by being assertive, aggressive, and go-getting. They’re a dominant personality. However, if your boss wielded a flogger or ordered your coworkers to shine their boots or bow at their feet...I'm thinking Human Resources would need to have a long talk with them about the long list of worker complaints. A passive friend may let you decide what restaurant you’re both going to eat at or say nothing when someone calls them a name, but I’m doubting that they’ll enjoy letting you spank them until your hand’s red or tie them up in a frog tie or pierce them with needles.

There are certainly aspects of BDSM that exist or crossover into real life—power play, humiliation, restraint, pain—but they look different, sound different, mean something different when you apply them to BDSM.

You say you’re bossy, demanding, and dominant and that’s great, but that doesn’t actually make you a Domme. It doesn’t even sound like you really want to be one. You talk about being a Domme as if it’s something you’re obligated to do, like it’s your job, not a part of who you are. For you, it’s a mask you pull on and off, according to the desires of the guys you’re with. 

Which really isn’t a good reason to do it. 

If you’re doing kink for any other reason than that you want and need to do it to feel fulfilled, you shouldn’t be doing it. It’s unhealthy to do so, for everyone involved.

Often, we talk about the roles in BDSM being something that we can put on and take off. That we can step into and step out of. And that is true. In a practical sense. BDSM is highly stylized, highly dramatized, highly intensified play. You can’t do it 24/7. It would tire you and stress you out past the breaking point fast. Because the world isn’t built to sustain a 24/7 BDSM role. No one can be Dominant all the time, in complete control, without doubt; the first, last, and only word on everything. Just as no one can be submissive all the time; you have to think on your own and put yourself first sometimes. 

A kinky person wants a partner who can slip into that headspace as well as slip out of it when appropriate. Who can be a fully functional person in the real world as well as a freaking awesome partner in the crazy, sexy times. But, even though the roles come off and on at will, the inherent kinkiness—the ability to slip in and out—is permanent.  

As—if not a Domme—a kinkster, I can’t imagine not being so. It’s not something that’s always at the forefront of my personality or life, anymore than being of color or female or middle-class or a podcaster or a college grad is. But all those things, even if they aren’t the dominant force of me at the time, if they’re not the thing I’m thinking about or acting upon at that specific moment, all make up who I am. I can’t not be those things. They touch everything that I am and everything that I do.

To pretend to be otherwise would be damaging. I could, like a gay person acting straight, live a completely vanilla life. I could even be happy doing so, find some kind of contentment in it. But I wouldn’t be fulfilled. There would be a missing part of me. A part that would long for it. That would lament its lack. There would always be moments and parts of my life where I would be faking it. Faking happiness. Faking contentment. Faking that that was enough for me.

The reverse is true too. A vanilla person faking kink... People do it. They quite admirably do it for their kinky partners because faking interest in this is worth doing—is a gift worth giving—to make the people they love happy. People even fake it until they make it, waking up one day and finding that, through the faking, somehow they’ve become kinky. 

But you’ve been doing this for what sounds like a long time and you’ve never found it satisfying. You want a relationship where the roles don’t exist, where you don’t have to wear that mask. 

And you can and should have that. 

There is an inconceivably larger amount of non-kinky men out there than there are kinky men. If you want a vanilla man to be vanilla with, you can have that. They’re everywhere. 

Except for where you’re looking. 

You said you found several guys through the community. You say you’ve tried to date online and through vanilla friends; were you doing so as a woman who has historically dated kinky men? 

If so, stop. 

You shouldn’t be advertising as kinky to snare a vanilla guy and you really shouldn’t be looking in the kink community for a vanilla partner. It would be like leaving the US to go to Sweden to search for the perfect American man. There are easier ways to do this. Go on vanilla sites, write up a vanilla profile, and look for vanilla guys. 

Because, while you can be kinky and have been in the past, Could Be, you don’t have to be, if it’s not what you want. There are men who will want you for who you are without the masks and costumes, but only if you stop slipping on roles you already know don’t fit.

– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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