The Deviant Nerd
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I’m an older gentlemen with not a lot of experience. And most of that experience isn’t great, I’m afraid. Like my last relationship, if that’s what we’re calling it, where the woman I was dating pretty much did the infamous fade-away breakup after we had sex.
Now it’s not that I think I’m some kind of sex god, but I didn’t think I was THAT bad. But, looking back, yeah, I guess it wasn’t great. Like she was really quiet the whole time and I think I took too long to come or something. Hell, maybe I came too soon, I don’t know. But it felt like forever. I kept pounding away and it wasn’t really doing anything for either of us. I kept waiting for sparks or chemistry, like with the guys you see in porn who just power-drive women to orgasm, but nothing.
Then I kept getting distracted with thoughts about whether I was making weird noises or expressions. There’s nothing more boner-killing than thinking about yourself flopping around a lot and making funny faces as you gasp and sweat all over this beautiful woman. I kept thinking that this must be what it’s like to be fucked by a fish that got stuck on shore. I kept thinking, yah, if I were looking up at that I’d probably have a hard time coming too.
What do I do next time, with the next woman? How do I get better at this? Or are there just people who are bad at sex?
– Something Fishy
Pip: Hey Fishy,
Sorry that things didn't go well with this woman, but don't lose hope. Bad sex happens, to everyone, but you do not have to resign yourself to being bad at sex. If you find that what you’re doing isn’t doing it, change it.
Don’t think that sex needs to be the way it often looks in porn, some inexplicable, “Look, Ma, no hands” activity. It’s the beauty of being kinky; we’re problem-solvers. Try toys. Try new positions. Try watching porn together. Trying incorporating other forms stimulation, like manual and oral, along with penetrative sex. For both of you.
Ask most women, the piston-pumping part of sex is rarely ever the highlight of their experience. If you’re foreplaying right, you shouldn’t have to piston-fuck her like a porn star to orgasm; believe me, most women won’t want you to anyway. Statistically, a significant portion of women physically can’t orgasm from penile penetration alone. Most women prefer other activities like oral and fingering and toys in addition to penetration. Most women I know need and want all the other stuff that too often gets glossed over in porn. Doing these activities is not and should never be seen as failing the job; they are essential tools in your bag to getting that job done. They are shining signs of success, never failure.
Play around. Figure out what you like, what your partner likes. Ask questions. Check in. Getting ready to kick off some sexy times? Ask a question. “What do you want?” Switching up positions or trying something new? Ask a question. “Do you like this?” Not getting much of a reaction or getting one that you're not sure of? Ask some questions. “What does this feel like? What can I do to make this better for you?” Especially for people worried about their experience level, it’s the best way to get vital information you both need to make sure everyone has a good time. It’s the only way to get real-time updates on what’s working and what’s not.
And, if one thing isn’t working, move on to the next. Sex is an adaptive activity. You have to adapt to new partners because everyone is different. You have to adapt to new conditions and experiences, because what worked last night may be out of commission the next morning. There is no secret trick to sex, no surefire moves or guarantees, and anyone who tells you different is selling something. Why else do you think kinky people since the dawn of time have been refining and redefining how humans have sex? If there weren’t someone out there—lots and lots and lots of someones—who needed vibrators and positions and kinks to get off, do you really think we’d have so many?
And, the fact of the matter is, no one actually wants there to be surefire guarantees. Not really. That would take all the fun out of sex. Sex is the most intimate way you can get to know a person, to explore the parts of them that they don’t just let anyone muck about with. If you had some move or toy or whathaveyou that worked on everyone every time...sex would suddenly get super boring and stale very fast.
So embrace the fact that sometimes orgasms are hard. That they are sometimes impossible. Measure your sex-success by the exploration of the act. By the things you learn about yourself and your partners. By the pleasure you have overall and not just the end.
And, remember, if the sex sucked, you cannot logically hold all the blame. Your partner was there too. And, if she’s disappointed that she didn’t come, that’s partly on her too. Because, if she never told you how to get her to come—didn’t give you direction or feedback—how were you supposed to know? You’re not a mindreader and shouldn’t have to be. If coming was so important to her pleasurable experience (and it’s not to everyone, by the by)—so much so that she did the fade-away break-up—she should have fought for it more. If she didn’t work for it, especially if you were, how’s that all your fault? We're called sex partners for a reason; it's supposed to be a partnership.
And one last thing: as for the “flopping around a lot and making funny faces as you gasp and sweat all over this beautiful woman. I kept thinking that this must be what it’s like to be fucked by a fish that got stuck on shore;” that’s everyone. Sex, divorced from how much fun it is, is one of the most humiliating and disgusting acts imaginable. If it weren’t for the fact that it feels amazing, who would ever want to do it? You do rather ridiculous, odd things and look rather ridiculous and odd while doing it just to chase pleasure. Sounds a little strange and pointless saying it.
Except, if you’re doing it right, it really does feel AMAZING. So amazing that, inexplicably, you couldn’t really care less what face that shore-stuck, gasping, flopping fish fucking you is making so long as they just keeps doing whatever they’re doing so you can make your own funny, spasmodically aquatic face. Do it enough times with that person, you start to really love that fitful fish’s facial contortion. Gives you an irrational and satisfying charge seeing it.
Again, these are signs of success, not failure. If you’re composed enough to not make weird sounds and faces, to have the kind of flawlessly film-ready sex in porn, I’m pretty sure you could probably be having much better sex.
– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd
* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com.
And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.