Want to have amazing, satisfying, pleasurable sex? There is really only one way to get it and give it.
Talk about it.
And I don’t mean dirty talk. Though, if that works for you, awesome; enjoy it. Rather, I mean, talk to your partner about the sex you’re having. Talk about the sex you want to be having. Talk honestly. Talk frankly. Talk passionately. Ask questions. Offer suggestions. Talk before the act, talk during it, talk after it. Just talk.
Too many people are looking for special moves or turn-key techniques to become better lovers, but that’s not how sex works. That’s not how people work. What wildly turns one person on may leave another cold. What excites one person may feel blah to someone else. And you can’t assume about people. Because you can’t know. Unless and until you ask.
Sex should be mutually fun and satisfying. It should be something that’s enjoyable for both partners. It shouldn’t be something that one partner is responsible for or that the other suffers through. Find what pleases you and what pleases your partner and regularly incorporate those things into your sex life. Keep exploring. Keep trying to figure out what things you enjoy, what your partner enjoys, and how you can enjoy those things together.
If you want to know what pleases you, masturbate. Masturbate and fantasize a lot. Masturbate until you know how your body works. Then share that with your partner. They cannot know how to please you unless you speak up. Show them how to please you. Give them suggestions and let them know what works and what doesn’t.
Want to know what pleases your partner? Ask them. Don’t rely on magazines or articles to tell you. Those articles are not your partner. Whoever wrote those pieces, I guarantee you, does not know your partner better than your partner does. Ask them what pleases them. Then find ways to work that into your play and sex.
If your partner doesn’t know what turns them on, then help them find out. Preferably not with overly prescriptive opinion pieces like “42 Easy Steps to the Best Sex of Your Life,” that are probably more clickbait than actual advice. Find actual helpful, healthy, sex-positive advice from professionals who have actually studied sex and have your best interest in mind rather than improving their Google analytics and ad revenue. Expand your definition of sex. Look for porn that interests you and your partner. Explore activities that interest you. Explore things that interest your partner. Find things that interest the both of you.
That’s supposed to be the fun part. Discovering the things that bring each other pleasure.
And, if that doesn’t sound like fun to you, if it sounds like too much trouble or work, maybe think long and hard about whether you’re really ready to have a sexual partner, particularly this partner. Because having a sexual partner should never be something you feel like you have to do if you don’t want to, particularly if pleasing your partner doesn’t sound like something you want to do. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to them. Pleasing yourself and pleasing your partner isn’t supposed to feel like that. It should never feel like a chore; it’s a gift you give each other.