Where Have All The Kinksters Gone
The Deviant Nerd
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I’m a single, kinky girl and I’ve tried looking for someone on all the internet dating sites, even the kinky ones, but can’t seem to find a guy who’s into what I’m into. All the guys who message me are inexperienced or not as into kink as I am. Some of them seem like nice guys and all, but I can’t be in another vanilla relationship; they just don’t work for me. What do I do?
– Searching for Sadistic Soulmate
Pip: Hey Searching,
I feel your pain. The search for that perfect playmate partner is hard. Even in kinkland, the search for Prince(ss) Charming is daunting and, all too often, discouraging.
My best advice is to stop looking.
For perfection, anyway. It doesn’t exist. No one is perfect. No one is even perfect for any other person. The idea that any of us can find a perfect person who fits us in every conceivable way is as lovely—and as likely—as a fairytale.
And, for kinky folks, who are a sexual minority, it’s even harder. We’re a very small percentage of the population, those of us who actually live the lifestyle and identify ourselves as kinksters. Those of us who join communities—particularly the ones that exist in real life as well as online—and devote large chunks of our lives, time, and love to this. Those of us who don’t just keep it in the fuzzy fantasies of our minds or in a box under the bed to pull out when the sex gets stale.
There aren’t enough of us to ONLY date within the community, not without going the poly route (which many do).
The fortunate things is, just because we’re kinky doesn’t mean we can’t date vanilla people. Often, we have little choice but to. Often we round our kinky sides down and/or find ways to round our vanilla partners’ kinky sides up to make, if not a perfect relationship, a functional one. You’re never guaranteed that you’ll find someone who is into everything you’re into and nothing else. Chances are, with anyone you meet—kinky or vanilla—you’ll share some kinks and interests and differ on others. And that’s okay. So long as you’re getting more than you’re missing, isn’t that worth it?
So don’t discount the nice guys who message you. Float your kinks out there for them, see if any of them are interested. We were all vanilla once—even those of us who had kinky inclinations from a young age usually dated vanilla in the beginning—and we all have to start somewhere. And who knows? Maybe one of those nice guys could be your next knight in studded leather.
– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd
* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com.
And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.