Make Up Her Mind Already!
The Deviant Nerd
Brought to you by The Taming School, for when you want curling up with a good book to feel like a good post-coital cuddle.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months now. And, for the most part, it’s great. She’s a pretty insatiable sub and can take anything I can dish out. In the bedroom, we’re a perfect match and she does stuff that I’ve always wanted to do but could never find anyone to do them with. I have no complaints about any of that.
The thing is, while I love how she’s this great submissive in the bedroom, it bothers me how submissive she is out of it too. Like, I’ll ask her what she wants to do when we go out, but all she ever says is, “Whatever you want.” I’ll ask her what she wants to eat for dinner. “Whatever you want.” Even when I ask her if she’s in the mood to play or have sex. “Whatever you want.” It’s all I hear.
I get that she’s a sub and is kinda shy, soft-spoken by nature too, but is it too much to ask for her to make up her mind once and awhile? Do I have to make every decision? Could “whatever you want” be code for something else? ‘Cause it’s kinda making me feel like a jerk, like we only do what I want and she gets no say in anything. It makes me wonder if she even likes being with me or if she just does it because it’s what I want.
How do I get her to speak up a little more?
– Not What I Want
Pip: Hey Not What I Want
This seems like a case of too much of a good thing. Many tops fantasize about complete control, but sometimes the reality just doesn’t live up to the fantasy.
I guess, the biggest question I have is whether she seems unhappy with the choices you make when she says "whatever you want." That that would determine whether she really means it or is just saying it.
If she honestly seems content with letting you make all the decisions without being resentful or regretful about the outcome later, then there's no special decoder-ring necessary. Just take her word for it and stop worrying about girl-speak or hidden messages. Some girls—especially the shy, soft-spoken, submissive kind—like guys who take charge.
If, however, she drags her feet a lot or complains about the decisions you make, all you have to do is remind her that she’d asked you to choose and, if she doesn't like it, she should speak up next time. Remind her that choosing not to decide doesn't mean she wasn't part of the decision. She let you make the choice; she should live with that choice.
But, if this question is more about you not wanting to make all the decisions all the time—as opposed to you being uncomfortable with whether she really wants you to make all the decisions all the time—the best advice I can give is to give her choices. Instead of asking something open-ended like "what do you want to do?" or "where do you want to eat?"—which can be daunting and a little boggling for an indecisive person—give her choices. Like "Do you feel like going out tonight—like to a movie or something—or just staying in?" or "There's an Italian place up ahead and a Mexican place back that way; which do you feel like?"
This can apply to sex and kink too. Bare hand or whip? Come in your mouth or your pussy? On your back or riding atop? Harder? Faster? More? A great game to play is laying out all your toys and making her pick the order. Make her indecision a part of the game. Make it something that—instead of aggravating you and making her anxious—excites you both.
If you want to be with this girl, you may very well be stuck being the deciding factor in your relationship. But you can also decide to make her meet you half-way.
– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd
* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com.
And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.