Assuming Makes An Ass Out of You; Leave Me Out of It

Okay, THIS is what upsets me most about this whole mess.

DO NOT—not even once—try to use Beyoncé, 50 Shades, or any other form of female sexual expression, experimentation, or freedom to justify some Trumped-up jackass’s bad behavior. Whatever my personal opinions on the specific media—and, like I’ve said before, there is A LOT, like 50 Shades of Grey, that I personally find problematic—there is a world of difference between women trying to experiment with their own sexuality through art and find ways to explore, however viscerally or graphically or even offensively on a personal level, their own desires and a man with more money and power than common decency or sense bragging about how he sexually assaults women.

And that difference lies in consent.

When specific women talk about what we want, what we crave, what we desire, as individuals, even if that desire is shared with other women, that does not—not ever, not even once—give anyone the right to use that as a defense to force their bad behavior onto all other women. Just because one or two or 80 million women are into it, that does not EVER give you the right to just assume that the woman you are targeting is into it—is asking for it—too.

Haven’t we all gotten tired of that line of thinking yet?

And, here’s a special news flash straight from a freaky girl: Just because I AM into the kinky stuff and power play and rough sex or whatever it is that I’m into, that in NO WAY gives you the right to assume that I want it from you. Cause, SPECIAL ALERT, I probably don’t. Not if you’re the type of person who assumes without asking for my consent—without following the basic, kink 101, you-shouldn’t-be-playing-so-get-off-the-field-if-you-don’t-know-this rule that negotiation always goes before play. I am a goddamned freak and I am proud as hell of it. And I am STILL not asking for it.

Have you finally got it?

Do you finally hear it?

These desires are OURS, not yours. Our making it vocal, our giving it voice and presence and validity in this world, does not make it less ours. Does not make it more yours. Do not try to define it; we’re doing that for ourselves, if you would just take two seconds to actually listen.

Do you want to see if your desires mesh and match with ours?

Great! Awesome! That is truly fantastic. 

Then do the mature, adult, and decent thing: ask.

Because, in this, when you assume, it’s making an ass out of someone and it sure as hell isn’t me.