The Deviant Nerd - 'Nilla Waver

’Nilla Waver

The Deviant Nerd

Brought to you by The Taming School, for when you want curling up with a good book to feel like a good post-coital cuddle.

Question: Hey Pip,

I don’t get the whole BDSM thing. It’s become so popular now that it’s practically expected. Everyone I date seems to think it’s the hottest thing ever. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t need whips and floggers and rope to have good sex. If you’re doing it right, all that stuff just gets in the way.

– ’Nilla’s ’Nough

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Pip: Hey ’Nilla’s ’Nough,

You know, as a kinky person, one of the commonly used phrases we hear from vanilla people is that they “don’t need x, y, & z,” that their sex is great without it. It’s a phrase that only a vanilla person can say. I’m pretty sure that’s how you know you’re vanilla, when you look at it in terms of whether or not you need toys. 

One of my favorite advice experts, Dan Savage, put it well once, saying that no one ever asks why we need all the crazy cooking gadgets at Williams-Sonoma. We accept that, for those into food, it’s fun to cook and it’s fun to be really awesome at cooking. To be really into it. To be a gourmet of it. Even if you yourself are not all that into cooking. When it comes to kitchen toys, it’s live and let live.

I’m waiting for the day that this is true for bedroom toys. And, to be fair, kinky people kind of do need the toys, in the same way a foodie needs all those crazy appliances. It’s not that we need them all the time or even every time we have sex but, yeah, we need them. Moreover, we want them. 

We’re not proud of the fact that we can have great sex without them; we already know we can—it’s vanilla people who are proud of that. We’re proud that we know how to use them properly to make our already great sex better.

That said, as a kinky person, I think it’s great that you love vanilla sex. If vanilla is enough for you, I wish you double scoops of it. My being kinky isn’t a referendum on your being vanilla. Anymore than I would hope your being vanilla is one on my being kinky. I always figured the beauty of Baskin-Robbins was the fact that everyone could order exactly what they want without worrying what the guy in line next to them was enjoying. I’ll wish you luck with your flavor, if you wish me luck with mine.


– Pip, Your Resident Deviant Nerd

* If you have a sex, kink, love, or life question for The Deviant Nerd, email Pip at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com. 

And read more about Pip’s story in Brought to You By.

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