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CHAPTER SIX: HIDDEN CLAUSE - PART ONE
So much for simple.
Harri woefully watched the elevator signal each passing floor, dreading the moment the doors would open onto her own. She sighed and tried to gear herself up. Maybe if she ran like some desperate sprinter to her door, she could avoid Nate. She’d look like she’d lost her mind, but she felt like she had already so…
Holding her body so tense, she practically jumped when the elevator dinged as the doors opened.
To an empty, quiet floor.
Feeling silly, Harri shook her head. What did she think was going to happen? Did she think Nate would be out there, skulking in the hallway, waiting for her like some horror movie jump scare? She needed to get a grip. She needed to relax. Needed sleep in her own apartment, in her own bed, for a bit and forget about the past twenty-four hours.
But, before she did, she really ought to apologize to Azel. Again. She’d been frazzled and frustrated and she’d said some awful things to him. He hadn’t deserved that. He’d just been trying to help. It wasn’t his fault she’d made a mess of her life. He clearly had his own problems; she had no right to jump down his throat over hers.
She’d tried to apologize at his place, had offered to order delivery — whatever food he’d wanted — to make it up to him but he’d declined. Of course he had. Because, despite what her aunt believed, food didn’t make everything magically better. So she’d left because, with things so awkward between them, it’d felt wrong to invade his space, his privacy, his home, like that.
Maybe she should give him some time to cool down before reaching out again. Or maybe she’d send a gift with a note, saying she was sorry and that she’d give him space until he felt comfortable reaching out to her. Yeah, maybe she’d do that.
Rubbing her throbbing temple, she unlocked her door. And promptly screamed.
“Harri, calm down; you’re fine. It’s just me.”
She was most certainly not fine. Clutching her chest with one hand and the doorknob with the other, Harri glared at Nate. “What the fuck are you doing here?” She turned her attention to the items — her blanket, a pile of books, a sweatshirt, some fuzzy socks — laid out next to an empty box on her coffee table.
He shrugged and shuffled his feet as he ran his hands through his hair. “I was just going to leave this all here for you.” God, she hoped he’d included her spare key as well. About to ask, she saw his lip quiver. “But, I don’t know, seeing it all here…” He swallowed hard as his breath hitched. “The idea of leaving the last bit of you — of us — behind…” His voice wavered, making her heart lurch at the hurt he was clearly choking back.
Jeez, she felt like such a jerk.
He turned away from her and sniffled. “Sorry, I know I should have left. You’re done with me. I know that.” His hand reached out to touch her blanket, his fingers stroking the soft, worn fabric. She swore she could see the memory of every time he’d ever wrapped her up in it or cuddled with her under it reflected in his teary eyes. “But I guess letting you go is harder than I thought it would be.”
Harri shut her eyes as she shut the door behind her. Damn it. She hated this. Hated how guilty this all made her feel. She could feel the instinctive apology, poised and ready on the tip of her tongue, but she refused to let it out. She was sad that he was sad, but she wouldn’t apologize for wanting to break up. She shouldn’t have to.
She just wished that didn’t make her feel petulant and selfish, hurting him like this just so she could feel... what? Free? She shook her head, trying to block the annoying voice in the back of her mind that said it would be so much easier for everyone if she simply took him back. That her happiness was a small price to pay for everyone else’s.
“Especially after…”
She looked up at him. “After what?”
“No one told you?” He looked surprised before frowning sheepishly. “I guess I did tell everyone not to say anything to you; I didn’t want to bother you. But I figured someone might let it slip.”
“Let what slip?” He’d told everyone but her. Told everyone not to tell her. “What are you talking about?”
Nate shook his head and walked away from her. “It’s nothing. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not your problem anymore.” He slumped his shoulders and gave her a sad, kicked-puppy look. “I’m not your problem anymore.”
For God’s sake! “What is it, Nate?” He knew that she hated when it felt like everyone knew and were talking about something she didn’t know. She hated secrets and gossip, doubly so when she felt both out of the loop and somehow also at the center of it all.
“My company is being bought out,” he said with a resigned sigh. “They’re predicting a ton of layoffs. And you know how my boss has been looking for any reason to get rid of me for a while now.”
Yeah, Nate had been saying that for almost a year now. If it wasn’t for the fact that he and the company’s president had been part of the same fraternity, Nate was sure he’d have been fired a long time ago. Not because he was bad at his job but because their president liked Nate more than he liked Nate’s boss. He let out a heavy huff. “And, after you left,” he said softly, looking at her with pain etched all over his face, “I knew I wasn’t giving work my all, but it was so hard to just get up in the morning, knowing you weren’t there next to me, you know?”
Harri knew Nate’s work situation wasn’t fair and how stressed out the whole situation made him. Again, it wasn’t really an experience she could relate to. She might only be friends with Megan at work, but she was well-respected and valued. She’d never had someone have it out for her, like Nate did. And to have it all come to a head now…
She shut her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Nate.” She sighed and looked him over. He looked haggard and she knew she, too, had a part in that. “When’s the last time you ate something? I was going to order some food, if you want some.” The eggs Azel had made for her felt like ages ago. They both could benefit from a good meal.
The hopeful look in Nate’s eyes made her wince. “Really? I’d appreciate that. It’s been hard getting used to cooking for just one person again.”
She pursed her lips and decided to ignore that comment and focus on the task at hand instead. “Chinese sound good?”
“Sounds great,” Nate agreed. “You know what I like.”
She did. Going to the delivery app, she entered their usual order. “Should be here in twenty minutes.”
“Thanks,” Nate said, taking a seat at her table.
“Of course,” she said, moving to get him a glass of water and a soda for herself. “It’s the least I can do.”
Nate narrowed his gaze on the glistening can in her hand. “Back to drinking all those sugary drinks?” He tsked. “I thought you’d said you were doing better without all the caffeine and empty calories.”
Harri gripped the can. She had said that. But mostly because she’d stopped drinking them around him and had preferred not fighting about it anymore. One of the first things she’d done, after their break up, was stock her apartment with all her favorite sodas, ecstatic she didn’t have to hide them at her desk at work anymore.
“I just worry about your health,” Nate said over the rush of the sink as she filled his glass. “As someone who loves you, I only want the best for you.”
Harri felt her jaw clench. Why was she getting so irritated? It wasn’t as if they hadn’t had this conversation a million times before. She could recite it in her sleep. It was why she’d hidden her habit from him in the first place. Why was it grating on her so much now? She shook her head and forced herself to relax. “We weren’t talking about me; we were talking about you. And, as your friend, I really am sorry you’re having such a hard time.”
He sniffled and lifted an overly casual shoulder. “Well, on the bright side, if I do get laid off, I won’t be able to afford my rent anymore. Guess that solves all your problems, huh?”
Shit. “You know that’s not what I want.” She didn’t want to be with him, but that didn’t mean she wanted him to suffer. She handed him his glass. “I want the best for you too.”
He looked at her longingly as he took the water she offered. “I had the best.” He gave her a small, heartbreaking half-smile. “It’s true what they say: you never really realize what you have till it’s gone.”
Oh, Nate. She opened her can with a pop. “You’ll find someone else,” she said, shaking her head as she plopped down onto her own chair. “Someone better. Someone who wants what you want. Who can give you what you need.”
“I know what I need,” he said, leaning closer to her. “More than ever, when it feels like I’m losing everything, I’ve never been so sure of what I really want. And I’m willing to wait until you know it too.”
Goddamnit, Nate.
Harri bit back a groan. Why couldn’t this just be easy? What did she need to do to get through to him? Well, seeing as she’d already agreed to it, it looked like she had all of dinner to try to figure that out. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I’m going to change,” she said. While she was glad she’d changed back into her clothes from last night before she left Azel’s place, she really wanted to put on something clean and comfortable. Unlocking her phone, she set it on the dining table. “Can you grab the food, if it comes before I’m done?”
Nate’s eyes slowly looked her up and down, as if remembering every time in the past year that she’d changed in front of him, rather than retreating to her bedroom. Harri decidedly ignored the heat in his eyes as he nodded. “Sure.”
Taking a tense breath, Harri took one last look at her phone before turning away, seeing it was still going to be eighteen long minutes until their order even arrived. Damn, it was going to be a long night. Maybe she should take a shower too, just to take the full amount of time, instead of coming back out to wait with Nate. She huffed as she shut her bedroom door behind her. Yeah, she really needed to learn that food really rarely ever made things better.
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