Wednesday, December 27, 2017

2017 – Ain’t Seen Nothing Like It

So it’s been a year.

For everyone.

Not all of it good.

In fact, quite a bit of it has been troubling.

Which is why it’s so strange that, personally, this year’s been really exciting for me. I went from a handful of published stories to now near twenty novels and stories published with ten different publishers and two sex-positive brands. I’ve appeared in articles with both Rolling Stones, for my political erotica, and Mashable, for my stance on net neutrality. I’ve had the privilege of working with so many great editors, of having my work included next to so many amazing authors, and of hearing from so many absolutely lovely readers.

Honestly, I don’t know how I could have made it through this year without all that. It’s been so harrowing and exhausting at times watching what's happening all around. And being given this miraculous outlet to channel all that through has been a life- and a soul-saver. I am so proud and humbly grateful for how far I’ve come and what I’ve been able to accomplish. It hasn’t always been easy, but the work has always felt more than worth it.

I’m incredibly excited for next year. And a little terrified. Because the world, as a whole, is poised for change and, lord knows, change is always hard and is not always good. But I’m also a big believer that we learn more and grow more when we fall than when we fly. And, as much as all this turmoil has depressed and paralyzed me, it’s also spurred and inspired me. So, bring it on, 2018; I am ready.

This year, I started a new series, in addition to my Donovan’s Door series, called Faere Trade, where I get to play in a more sci-fi/ fantasy playground with witches and gargoyles and beasts and aliens of all kinds. Where I get to examine my world, it’s joys and flaws, through a stranger speculative lens. What can dating a beast tell us about what it’s like to love and be loved with more diverse body types? What can living as a cosmic alien tell us about the experience of living as an immigrant or a person of color or a woman? I’m hoping to officially publish my first Faere Trade title next year and hopefully even more after that.
                                                                                       
I also hope to continue my Donovan’s Door series, whose characters I love and hope never run out of stories to tell. I have a few Donovan’s Door titles lined up for release next year as well and have plans for even more.

As some of you know, I plan to create a video newsletter next year as well, where I talk about what I’ve done, what I’m up to, and what’s coming up for me next. If that's something that sounds interesting to you, send an email with NEWSLETTER in the subject line saying you'd like to sign up to sonnidesoto@gmail.com and, when I have enough names to make a good go of it, I'll start sending one out every month.

It’s been an extraordinary year, in more ways than imaginable; I can’t even begin to imagine what next year will bring.

But I can’t wait to find out.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Big Book of Submission Vol.2 Release!



Read my story "The Framework of Fantasy" in this amazing anthology from Cleis Press!

Whether you're simply curious about submission or regularly revel in the delights of BDSM, these sixty-nine erotic short stories about submissives will turn you on! From participating in a musical recital that takes a very kinky turn to making a grocery run while using sex toys to indulging in a risqué office encounter during working hours, these subs delight in obeying (or deliberately disobeying) their masters and mistresses in public and in private. They're rewarded and punished the most wicked of ways that will leave you breathless. Edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, with stories by Selena Kitt, Jade A. Waters, Dorothy Freed, and Sommer Marsden, among other talented writers, The Big Book of Submission, Volume 2 offers arousing tales that delve deep into the thrills of spanking, bondage, power dynamics, service, exhibitionism, erotic adventure, and much more.


Now Available On:



LET'S GET INTENSE FOR THE MEN!
Please check out my story in The Sexy Librarian's anthology that gives us a bold peek into lust and love from the male perspective!
Available Now On

Your Choice of TheseDigital Stores

REBEL WITH US!
Erotica is an expression of rebellion. Please check out my stories in Coming Together's defiant, charity anthology that celebrates diversity and equality in the face of our uncertain future! Available Now On
And Listen to an Excerpt

BREAKING THE RULES!
Please check out my story in this hand-held library of erotica & explore to your libido's content!




SEXT ME SWEETLY
Check out my story to dive deep into all the awkward excitement of sexual exploration.

Find even more great reads and Put Your Money Where Your Orgasm Is!




Also, find out how you can support me and collaborate with me on my Patreon Page!

Saturday, December 9, 2017

December Proto-Newsletter


So, I want to find better ways to connect with my readers. To let you know what I've done, what I'm up to, and what's coming up next. And one of these ideas is a newsletter with exclusive content, like write-ups on my inspiration behind some of my stories, video readings of excerpts, and the latest news about upcoming books and anthologies my work will be appearing in.

But I don't know how many people would be interested in something like that yet. If that's something that sounds interesting to you, send me an email with NEWSLETTER in the subject line saying you'd like to sign up to sonnidesoto@gmail.com and, when I have enough names to make a good go of it, I'll start sending one out every month.


Until then, I'll try a few of these proto-newsletter blog posts, so people can get a feel for what they'd be signing up for.


As for this month, I thought I'd do a bit of a throw back theme. As some of you know, last July, I created a bunch of promo videos for a Beach Party with Deep Desires about my story "Give to You." Since the anniversary of this story is just around the corner, I thought I'd post those videos again, for those who couldn't make it to the party. 

I had a ton of fun making these videos and they got a good response from party attendees; it seems a shame if they never saw the light of day again. So, here comes the light!

In this first video, get to know more about me and my views on sex and kink and my deep love of everything nerdy!



In the next one, join me in exploring my Donovan's Door series. It was always my intention to write self-contained stories that could stand on their own, but were also connected within the same world. Donovan's Door, and now my latest series Faere Trade, allows me to do that, diving deep into complex worlds filled with a diverse cast of characters with infinite stories to tell.



This video introduces you to the couple who started my whole crazy career. While I can't say definitively that they are my favorite pair (that's like asking a fur parent to choose her favorite pet!), they are a couple who I keep coming back to again and again. They are adorable and accessible in a way that many of my other pairings may not be, telling relatable stories with, hopefully, an interesting twist.



So, within my Donovan's Door series, I have a character who hosts her own advice blog and podcast called The Deviant Nerd. And, for a while, I was taking questions from friends and online to create this fictional advice. This one was definitely taken from the dozens of emails I would get from people who'd stumbled across my work, who were sick and tired of the whole BDSM craze and wanted me to write vanilla stories. While I haven't done a Deviant Nerd segment in a long time, if you have any questions for Pip, email her at PipJones.DeviantNerd@gmail.com and we'll give you answers.



And, of course, here is my video reading excerpt of "Give to You," featuring a steamy, sexy scene by the outdoor hot tub. I have a friend who used to throw these huge play parties at his house that had an outdoor hot tub. And, during the summer, everyone would be in them--you had to get there pretty early, if you wanted a soak. But, during winter, it took a pretty brave soul to be out there. But, if memory serves, it was always well worth the effort.



Finally, this was the last see-what's-coming-up-next-for-me video that I made for that party, so the information is definitely old. All the stories mentioned here are now available for sale, so please check those out, as well as all my other works for sale. Also, for anyone interested, here is the story I live-wrote on Facebook for that party, featuring my characters Max Wells and Vera Hernandez: Smoke & Fire



So here's basically what a newsletter from me would look like (probably not with THIS many videos), but with some behind-the-scenes information, a featured excerpt, and an update on what's going on. And, remember, if you'd like to be a part of a monthly newsletter like this, email me at sonnidesoto@gmail.com with NEWSLETTER in the subject header. 

At the time, these videos felt very Christmas in July to me, given the story and the timing; hope you enjoyed having a little bit of summer heat in the middle of this chilly winter!



And remember to check out my story "Give to You," now available:
At Amazon
At iBooks
At Barnes & Noble
At Smashwords 






Thursday, December 7, 2017

So You've Been Accused of Sexual Misconduct...

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, just like everyone else in this country and around the world. And, while I am 100% behind the MeToo Movement--we need to listen to women and take their stories seriously--I don't like the way the movement is moving.

I don't like zero-tolerance positions. I never have. Because, by erasing nuance and context, they too often end up causing more problems than they solve and end up dismantling and unraveling any good they hoped to achieve. 

Look at zero-tolerance policies on guns or bullying in schools. With guns, sure, you banned toy guns at school, which is great because we often can't tell the difference between a toy and a weapon and shouldn't have to make that distinction at a school, putting kids' lives at risk with that decision. But then we started banning finger guns under zero-tolerance policies and began becoming our own parody. It's hard to maintain the moral high ground when your shaky argument sounds irrational because it doesn't stand on sound logic. 

And, with bullying, we banned it from our schools, which is great, only to push it online, where it happens out of our view and out of our control. We solved one symptom of a problem (bad behavior at schools) only to exacerbate the condition (bad behavior in general). We didn't solve anything, didn't fix anything, we just moved it around, like a kid who doesn't want to eat their vegetables.

What we need to do is address the issue. Head-on. Don't manage the symptoms, treat the disease.

Like I said on Twitter, I don't know if Al Franken should resign. He's going to, but I don't know if that actually solves anything or if it just moves a player off the board.

Instead of Franken being the first strike at zero-tolerance, I'd rather see him used as a path to reform. While I don't condone what he did--non-consensual touching of any kind is unacceptable--I don't know if I want him to disappear from the landscape. I don't know if his fading into obscurity, while convenient and psychically satisfying, really serves a greater purpose.

Personally, I think I'd rather see him publicly confront what he's done. I want to see him truly apologize. I want the focus to be on the women he violated while he does. I want him to see him listen to his accusers without making excuses or discussing what this means for him. I want to hear him say that he's sorry. Period. That he behaved badly and wants to do better. That he wants to hear how he can do that from us--particularly the women of Minnesota who he served and let down and especially from the women who he disrespected and violated.

And then I want to hear us provide him with a path to doing better.

Because, if the only solution we can provide to people who have behaved badly is for them to disappear, we are going to create a larger problem than the one we are trying to solve.

Look at race in this country. We thought we were moving forward on racism, that we were past that. We thought we'd scared and shamed the racism out of people. Yet here we are. Turns out, scaring and shaming people isn't a great way to change people's minds. Turns out, it's a fantastic way to silence and isolate people, all while allowing those feelings to fester and grow outside of our knowledge and control. Until the day someone says out loud "what we all were thinking" and we all end up here.

We need a better path than that. Because, I don't know about you, but I am not happy about the one that we're on.

And, sure, I'll be honest, I don't know what path would work. I don't think that problems this complex or pervasive can be solved easily, cleanly, or quickly. That's why both the complacency in either throwing your hands up in the air and saying nothing can be done about this unsolvable problem in human nature or in the contextless crackdown of zero-tolerance is so attractive. It requires little from us, minimal effort and likely even less thought.

I think real culture shifts require more. 

Personally, I would like to see men like Franken, who claim to want to do and be better, be brought into the conversation about consent rather than pushed out. I'd like them listen to what we have to say and figure out where they fit in that. I'd like to know where our past teachings on sex and consent have failed and what could be done better in the future. I want to know, from them, what would have made them think before they acted. I want to know what they would like to tell other people like them to make them think before they act. 

Then I would like to see them work with women-led, sex-educated groups to change how our culture views sex and consent. I'd like to see them advocate for better training for cops, politicians, teachers, faith leaders, doctors, etc. on how to handle and talk about sex and consent. I'd like to see them advocate for better, more practical, more sex-positive, more evidence-based education on sex and consent in schools as well as in communities and work environments. I'd like to see them advocate for better portrayals of sex and consent in media and culture. I'd like to see them advocate for better accessibility to sexual health information and services for everyone. I want to see these people put their actions where their apologies are.

I'd like to see these people, if they are truly committed to change, actually aim for positive societal reform, rather than rot in isolated resentment. I'd like to find ways for them to be part of the solution, rather than write them off as perpetual problems. I think that would help them actually see how they victimized people, rather than view themselves as victims. I would rather have them, if they prove to truly be interested in making the world better, helping us, becoming part of us, rather than ousting and ostracizing them.

Because Franken was the first.

He will not be the last.

And we will HAVE to figure out how we deal with all of them, how they fit within the better world we want to create, or risk them grouping together in their resentful isolation and becoming another outright, alt-right problem.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Goodbye Moderation: Gluttony Release!



Check out my story “Pervertable” in this gleefully, greedily gluttonous anthology from Sexy Little Pages.

Nothing succeeds like excess, and too much is never enough…

In a world where indulging our appetites is too often seen as a bad, selfish way to live, this anthology offers 12 delightfully wicked stories of people feasting unashamedly on pleasure.

Discover carnal pleasures that combine catering and cunnilingus, devour these delicious tales of abandon and allow yourself to be inspired by characters who long to taste all that life and lust can offer, whether their focus is food, sex or a combination of the two.

By turns sweet, sticky, sensuous and startling, you’ll find these offerings finger-lickin’ good.

Available Now On:
Your Choice of These Digital Stores



BREAKING THE RULES!
Please check out my story in this hand-held library of erotica & explore to your libido's content!





PRIDE & PUNISHMENT!
Please check out my story and get ready for some fit-on-the-streets-but-fun-in-the-sheets, pervertable play this PRIDE!



THINK YOU OWN ME?
Please check out my novel Show Me, Sir from Sinful Press that celebrates feminist kink!

LOVE EROTICA? LOVE CONSENT?
Please check out my story in The New Smut Project's anthology and see how consent makes everything sexier!
HAVE YOURSELF A KINKY, LITTLE XMAS!
Please check out my story in Coming Together's charity anthology that lets your feel-good do some real good!


MAKE-UP SEX MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER!
See what happens after Kat & Peter's happy ending in my story from Deep Desire Press!
And Listen to an Excerpt


Find even more great reads and Put Your Money Where Your Orgasm Is!




Also, find out how you can support me and collaborate with me on my Patreon Page!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Getting Over You By Getting Under Someone Else - Part Two


Unforgettable – 
Part Two
Read Part One Here

Even to a back room that looks strangely like storage. Except it won't be.

There will be a small bed in the back, tidy if plain.

Until She sits down on it, somehow transforming the bed—the room—into a more familiar setting as Her weight settles into the down. Look around at your old room. Your old bed. “How is this possible?”

“You already know.”

Your stomach will clench at the sound of Her voice. You’ll shake your head, trying to clear it. You’ll swear it can’t be real. It can’t.

“Say it.”

Magic.

Except you won’t believe in it.

“Say it!”

You do.

She’ll smile. “Good.” She’ll stand up and walk around you, dissecting you with Her gaze. “Strip and lay down.”

Do it. Without question, let your desire overpower your doubt. At just Her words, you will feel naked in front of Her, in a way that no amount of clothes can change. So peel yours off, layer after layer. Don’t be frightened when you feel small, exposed. Everything will be heightened, making denim and cotton feel like flesh, flayed while you pull it down your limbs.

Once actually nude, you will feel different. Raw and ragged. Crawling onto the bed, you will feel reborn. You’ll shiver as the sheets rub against your vulnerable skin. Close your eyes and imagine what, after a week without Her, Her touch will feel like.

You’ll hear Her chuckle at your shaky need. You’ll feel Her footsteps on the hardwood pound in your heart. Look up at Her. She will stand at the foot of the bed, tall and looming. “Who am I?”

Unsure, you’ll raise an eyebrow at Her. You’ll wonder what She’s talking about.

“Tell me.”

You will learn. Your tongue will tickle, the taste of the tea tingling. That sensation will reach inside you and pull words from your throat as you tell Her who She is. She is a miracle and a nightmare. She will grab your ankle, digging Her nails into your flesh. She is your every dream, good, bad, and ephemeral as hell. Those menacing, manicured hands will claw and climb up your leg, leaving long, red scratches on your skin, marking you as Hers. You’ll want to touch Her and be touched by Her. She will grab your hips, digging Her grip as She climbs onto the bed between your legs. You’ll want to take Her and be taken.

She’ll reach up and grab your face, forcing you to look at Her. “Who am I?”

The only woman you’ve ever loved.

“Am I?”

Your eyes will widen while She begins to change. Try to recoil, but She won’t let you go. Won’t let you look away.

“Who am I?”

You’ll shrink in Her grasp, held still as Her smile widens and Her dark eyes blink to blue. Her body will swell, filling out in places beneath Her clothes. Slight wrinkles will slash across Her skin near Her eyes and mouth. Dear God.

“Who am I?”

Your fifth grade teacher. Her name, that you won’t have thought about in years, will fall from your lips like stony truth. Stuck in the clutches of prepubescent hormones and awkwardness, you’d been so in love with her. She’d been so sure you were cheating, scoring high on tests and homework, but failing miserably whenever called on in class. It hadn’t been that you couldn’t do the work but, the minute she spoke to you, your brain would stall. She was too beautiful, too smart, and too kind, always treating you like you mattered, like everyone, like you, were special. So young and inexperienced, how could you not have loved her?

“You love me?”

You had. Once. As much as a fifth grader could, which will feel both more pure and less real than love today. You’ll close your eyes and lose yourself in the memory when she leans in to kiss you gently on the forehead.

You’re body will tense and panic when you feel her hand on your cock.

“Shhh. It’s cool.”

You will know that voice.

Open your eyes.

You’ll look into the face of your college girlfriend, who wore her long, black hair in severe, high ponytails and always wore cherry-flavored lipgloss. She’d been your first, well, everything. Your first girlfriend. You’re first sight of a naked woman. You’re first blowjob. Your first lover.

“Did you love me?”

Yes. You’ll look at her now, right into the brazen face she boldly wore to mask the vulnerable insecurity she carried inside. You’d loved her; part of you always will.

Let her hand move over you, move you. Feel her fumble with the condom, her hands eager but unsure. Close your eyes again and remember what it felt like to love like that. When everything was new and unknown. When for now felt like forever. When you feel the slick slide of cherry-flavored lip balm slip smooth and sloppy down your dick, enjoy it. Moan her name. Hitch your hips and coat your length in drugstore cosmetics and her. Remember her.

Cry out when she sinks her nails in your thigh, bringing you back from your past. Look down and watch your memory melt into Her. Her dark eyes will glare at you, cold and hungry. Her smile will look self-satisfying and sharp. She won’t ask you if you love Her. She already knows.

Instead, She will climb atop you, straddling your hips so She can ride this body beneath Her that She’s already claimed as Hers. You will hate that you love Her while She slides your hard length inside Her. Hate that She still has such a hold over you. 

But, as She rides you, feel it. Really feel it and know that it’s different than it has been. Don’t be afraid. Or disappointed. Understand that within this love, you’ll feel the echoes of all the others that came before. Having felt the fuel, the fire, and, yes, the fade of those loves, recognize it now. Even in Her. 

When She grips your thighs to undulate over you, grip Her hips too. Dig your fingers deep. Hold tight to Her and know that, want all you want, but this too will fade.

Watch while She flickers, fluttering into someone else. For a moment, She’ll look strange, like a flash of someone you ought to know, before She settles into her. Familiar. Similar. But uniquely her.

Grab her hips and thrust into her. Let the pleasure of you—of your and her together—build and burn. Ride her as she rides you. And, when you hear her come, pour everything you are—everything you have been and the promise of what you could be—into her.

Then hold her. Pull her limp, slick, soft form to you and wrap grateful arms around her. Kiss her and imagine that you can taste your whole life on her lips.

But, most of all, thank her.

When it’s finally time to get up, to leave, put on your clothes and take out your wallet. Pay her and tip well. Very well. She’ll have more than earned it.

As you tie your shoes, ask her if you’ll see her again.

“Do you need to?”

Maybe not. “But I might like to.”

She’ll smile at you. “Well, you know where to find me.”

True enough. 

But, before you leave, ask her the question that’s been bugging you for the past few minutes. “At the end, before the glamour dropped, you transformed into my cubemate from work.” You’ll shake your head, confused. “Why?”

She’ll quickly tuck your money into her purse and look at you innocently. “I don’t know. The spell reads your mind and tells me what to look like through the link.” She’ll shrug. “So you tell me.”

Your brow will wrinkle. “She’s just a coworker. A work friend, at most.”

She’ll grab her purse in her hand and shoot you a knowing look. “I’m not the one you have to convince.”

You suppose not. You’ll think of your coworker with her windblown pixie cut and warm, grey eyes. You’ll think of her brown bag lunches and rainbow of glitter pens kept in a chipped mug on her desk. You’ll think of her laugh and the way her nose crinkles when she smiles or is trying to remember something. You’ll think of coffee breaks and lunches that never seem long enough. 

You’ll think about how she always slaps your hand away when you try to steal a taste of her chips or treats. And the way her eyes fire when making a point with a client or colleague. You’ll remember the way her voice sounds when she argues with you, ruthless and right. And you’ll feel a familiar feeling.

You won’t love her yet.

But, maybe, if it’s meant, you might.

Nod at that thought, think about talking to your therapist about it next session, and smile.




UNIDENTIFIED FETISH OBJECT
Sometimes really it sucks being female! Please check out my feminist, space alien novella from Less Than Three Press! Available Now On
And Listen to an Excerpt

GEEK SEX IS THE KINKIEST SEX!
Please check out my story in Riverdale Avenue Books' anthology that proves no one knows how to play better than nerds!

LET'S GET INTENSE FOR THE MEN!
Please check out my story in The Sexy Librarian's anthology that gives us a bold peek into lust and love from the male perspective!

FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED!
Please check out my story in Sexy Little Pages' anthology that explores the taboo juxtaposition of holy and sensual!


BREAKING THE RULES!
Please check out my story in this hand-held library of erotica & explore to your libido's content!
Available Now On
Your Choice of These Digital Stores





LET ME KNEEL AT YOUR FEET!
Everyone has secret, kinky desires. Please check out my story in this anthology that explores that hot flush that comes with the discovery of a new, sexy, sometimes unmentionable desire!

Find even more great reads and Put Your Money Where Your Orgasm Is!




Also, find out how you can support me and collaborate with me on my Patreon Page!




And For Even More (Non- or at lease Less-Smutty) Stories, 
Please Check Out My Own Little Story Limbo.

Getting Over You By Getting Under Someone Else - Part One

Unforgettable -  
Part One

There are some things in life you will never forget.

For as long as you live, the black of Her eyes will color everything you see. Her voice, Her laugh, will echo in your quiet moments, a sound your ears will always strain to hear in a crowd. And Her touch.

Her touch.

How could anything compete with something you still can’t quite understand? How could the grip of Her hands, so tight and unforgiving on your wrists, on your ankles, on your throat, on your heart, feel both possessive and freeing at the same time? How could the bite of teeth, the lick of tongue, and the suck of Her mouth devour whole, while feeding something deep within? How could the dig of Her nails feel like they were tearing into skin to get to soul?

That’s not something easily left behind.

But, if the last year and a half have taught you anything, you must learn how or you will never move forward.

So answer the ad.

Tell yourself it’s just a joke—a fake, a dare—if you have to. Just do it.

When the ad answers back, don’t flinch at the sound of her voice on the other line. Don’t stumble through the questions. This is what you’ll want; remember that.

But don’t beat yourself up, when you fail. You’re not perfect and you’ll be fairly sure, by her knowing tone and calm patience, she’ll have probably heard worse.

When you schedule a time to meet, show up. Don’t hide in the corner.

If you can, try to look like you want to be there.

You want to be there.

Be prepared, when you see her; it will hit you hard.

You’ll have chosen that ad because, while she won’t look like Her—no one could look like Her—there’s something about the flash of teeth in her smile or the glint of her eyes that reminds you of a memory your mind cannot let go.

When she wants to negotiate, let her have whatever she wants.

Don’t wonder why she frowns at this. Don’t try to read the second thoughts that flash like red flags through her eyes.

When she looks at you incredulously and asks if you have any limits, pause. Take the time to think about it.

Because you do.

As the past burns your skin like a brand, tell her. “I just need something to change.” Living like this is your limit

She’ll look at you, her dark eyes distant and sharp as a saber. “I’m not a shrink. Or a doctor. I can’t fix you. No problem you have right now in your life can be solved in-scene.”

You’ll know that. You may not want to, but you will. Shrug. “I’ve been to therapy and doctors. Had them check me up and down. Inside and out.” Turns out, they can’t fix you either. You will learn that, after endless tests that inevitably come up inconclusive or advice—exercise, diet, talk—that won’t help. Whatever. “That’s not what this is about.”

She will arch a perfectly shaped eyebrow at you. “Then what is it about?”

Think about this. This is important. Drop your gaze and focus inward, mentally touching all the empty space within. Don’t be afraid; be more honest with her than you’ve ever been, even with yourself. “Learning how to live with being broken.”

You’ll hold your breath, while she thinks. You’ll wonder what you hope her answer will be. When she nods, you’ll know for sure. “I can work with that.” The words are not Hers, but the rejection you feel in the casual tone and tilt of her head, however wanted, however asked for, will feel fresh.

Ignore it.

Set a date, a time, and a place to meet. For real.

Excitement will mix with terror in the moment. It will feel oddly comforting. Triggering a part of your brain that has been craving something it couldn’t name. That feeling will sustain you, consume you, for the days to come.

When the day comes, don’t show up an hour early; it will look desperate and obvious as you sit in your car in the empty parking lot. Just waiting with an anxious foot tapping in time to your racing thoughts next to the gas pedal. Don’t do that to yourself.

You cannot control the world, your therapist always tells you, just how you choose to live in it.

So choose to live in it.

Because, want all you want, the past cannot come back.

She is gone and you need to find out who you are without Her.

So enter the early morning café.

You’ll see her, seated in a booth in the back, a steaming cup of sweet-smelling tea in her hand. Join her. When she looks at you sternly, meet and keep her gaze. Until you can’t. When the weight of it makes yours falter, don’t feel bad. “Have you been good?”

Her rules.

Squirm.

You’ll have followed her rules—too afraid not to—but it will have been hard.

You may hate porn. But you need it.

When She’d left, you lost everything. Your home—because how could you stay in the same home as the man who’d stolen the girl who’d stolen your heart—your friend, and your heart. For a long time, for longer than you’ll want to admit, you lost the ability to function, dragging your body around like a zombie from bed to work and back. You won’t want to remember the long stretches of days where you barely made eye contact with anyone, your coworkers and fellow commuters uncomfortably aware of your aching soul. With each passing day, you noticed the berth they gave you widening as they silently and collectively waited for the broken bits of you to blow away, finally unburdening them.

The only solace you’ve had is porn. It lured you in and made you feel less alone, less unhappy, at a time in your life when you had next to no one in your life. It’s been your escape from a world that has done its best to make you feel unwanted. The doe-eyed digital performers with perfect proportions looked at you with want and welcome. Each pixelated pant and moan felt like coming home.

Until even porn, like everything else in the world, betrayed you.

Be honest, you should have seen it coming. There were signs that, in hindsight, should have scared you. When you spent hours scouring sites to find images and videos, looking for Her—for women with eyes or mouths or hips or asses that made you think of Her, who you could superimpose the smell and taste and feel of Her onto—you should have known something was wrong. When even those stopped being enough and your mind and body became accustomed to—began to crave—themes and acts your conscience quaked at, you paused and pondered at the path you were taking. 

You let it take over your life. Let it become an obsession. Let it become bigger than the rest of you.

Be afraid.

Let that fear lead you here. Like you’d said, you came for a change.

So look into her eyes. “Yes.”

Before she'd left you last time, she told you to stop. No more porn; not until you’ve stopped using as self-flagellation. No more fantasizing and fetishizing the past. No more Her.

It won’t have been easy. Your body—your heart, your soul—will revolt. Will want what it cannot—what it should not—have. You will feel lost without it. You will ache for it. Inside, you'll feel your desire, like this rigid, raw, ravenous thing. It will feel larger, harder, more powerful, than you. You will wonder what harm one time—or one more or just one more—could do. Stay strong. Because, even if it doesn't feel like it now, her rules have to be better than where you’ve been. You’ve been unhealthy with it, with Her, for too long and even you must realize you’ll never move on, if you’re not willing to leave this behind. “I wanted to, but I didn't break my word.”

Her eyes will soften and a smile will tug at her lips. “Good.” And, in her, you'll see something familiar, something you never thought you would again. Something inside will loosen, even as your body tightens. “Very good.” She’ll cross her legs and stare at you over her teacup. “Are you sure you want this?”

Her tone will be serious. Take it seriously.

“I'm not Her.” She won’t need to say it. Lord knows, you know. “Trying to replace Her with me in your mind isn't going to end well for either of us.”

Nod. You know. Lord knows. “You do remind me of Her.” She knew that, of course. That’s why you chose her. “But that's kinda the point.” You’ve carried the memory of Her with you for so long. Felt it weigh on your mind, your heart, your body, for so long. “I need to find...” What’s the word? “Boundaries.” You’ll need to build walls. “Between Her and me.” You’ll know it’s a strange request. But none of us get to choose what we need. “I don’t want you to replace Her; I want you to release me from Her.”

She’ll nod before pushing a cup full of tea your way. “Then drink.”

Do it. Let the spiced taste of it linger on your tongue and cling to your throat. Close your eyes and drink deep, listening to her laugh. “You know, usually I help people get their rocks off by indulging their fantasies, not the other way around.”

Carefully, place the cup on its saucer. “I appreciate any help I can get.” Shrug and watch while she takes the cup from you. “I just want to feel normal again.” Close your eyes when she sips from your tea, the act feeling odd and intimate.

She’ll laugh harder. “You may have picked the wrong ad to answer then.”

Curious, open your eyes. 

And, somehow, some way, see Her.

Look into Her eyes. She’ll reach out Her hand to you. “Come with me.”

Take it.

You’ll have no choice.

Follow Her anywhere She wants to take you... 




Read Part Two Here