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CHAPTER SIX: HUNTER'S MOON - PART THREE
Garrett frowned as well. “Leon was a troubled man, always had been. From childhood, he had problems controlling the wolf inside him. We all tried to help him, but…” With a profound sadness, Garrett stared into the distance as if looking back into the past. “In the end, without the ability to connect with his wolf, it hadn’t taken much for the mindless, frankly untethered beast inside him to overtake him.” Garrett met her gaze with deep pain clear in his eyes. “Most werewolves find ways to live with and embrace our wolf half. The two sides meld and grow with each other, forming the whole of the person. But Leon was truly living with a monster inside him.”
Dawn set down her now almost empty plate, surprised by how much she’d eaten while listening to his story. It was so strange to see him like this. Garrett was a large man, both physically tall and strong as well as having a commanding presence that lent him an even more powerful aura. But, sitting at Russ’s table with his head bent in regret, he seemed dimmed somehow. Vulnerable in a way she doubted he allowed many to see. It humbled her, even as it unsettled her. He must really need her to know — to understand — this, if he was willing to let her see him like this.
Garrett shook his head. “In a different time, Leon would have been put down. For his own safety as well as everyone else’s.” Garrett looked away. “But I’d hoped, given all we’d learned and with all the modern tools available to us, that we could help him. Unfortunately, we all learned exactly how wrong I was in the worst possible way. With no one suffering for that mistake worse than Russ.”
Dawn worried her lip. “Russ talks about his werewolf side like it’s a curse.” Like it wasn’t a part of him, but rather a disease invading him. “Was that why he lost control?” Was his wolf trying to overtake him?
Garrett paused thoughtfully. “Russ is not like Leon, but he’s only had a few short years to learn what the rest of us have spent a lifetime mastering.” He studied Dawn. “And I think you make it harder for him.”
Her eyes widened. “I do? How?”
Garrett sighed. “How much did Russ tell you about being a werewolf’s mate?”
Pursing her lips, she sighed. “Not all that much. Just that I’m part of the pack now. So, if I need help, you all will be there for me and, if you need me, I’ll be there for you.”
Garrett nodded. “That is true, but that’s less about your role as a mate than it is about pack dynamics. Certainly important, but you’ve already proven yourself willing and able to aid the pack, with or without a mating status.”
“Thank you.” It was easy to help the children. As their teacher, it’d felt natural and intuitive. She very much doubted the rest would be so simple. “So what does being his mate mean? He’d said we’re essentially married, for all intents and purposes.” But was that just legalities or did it mean something more?
Dawn thought about her own parents’ marriage and that of some of her older siblings. There was such a bond of love and partnership present. And, while she hadn’t thought all that much about who she’d marry and how and when — always figuring that all that would figure itself out in the future — she’d hoped that, when it did happen, she would find her own loving partner as well.
“In the eyes of both werewolf and human law, you two are mated. Married, if that word feels more comfortable to you. Elise and the others have expedited the paperwork already, for obvious reasons. We’ll need you both to sign off on those before we submit them officially. Once that’s gone through, you’ll enjoy all the lawful benefits any other recognized married couple in this country would, plus some others specific to the werewolf community.”
“Like protection against incarceration if someone attacks us?”
Garrett grimaced. “Strictly speaking, we’re skating a delicate legal line with that defense. Frankly, we’re lucky that Mr. Jones didn’t hire a lawyer, much less one well-versed in magical law, and that the district attorney and our pack have a good relationship.”
“Or it could have turned out differently?” Dawn didn’t like the sound of that.
“You two are not yet mated, legally or otherwise. Though, if you ask any pack member, they’ll swear there’s been talk of it at least since the day you had him speak to your class.”
“Talk?” Her gaze narrowed. “By whom?” Since then? She’d barely known her own feelings then. Hell, she was hardly sure of them now. How could anyone else possibly know enough to talk?
Garrett gave her a knowing smile. “We’re a small community with acute senses. And you two are…” he let out a soft laugh, “less subtle than you think you are.”
Dawn blushed and sipped her tea, tucking her tail primly. “So because we aren’t official, we’re less protected, right?”
“Well, yes, but that’s only the beginning of your problems.”
Dawn set down her cup. “What do you mean?”
Garrett pushed his now empty plate away too. “Much like human marriages, there are the legal aspects of it, but mating is, by nature, more than that.” He rolled his shoulders awkwardly. “More so than human unions, when werewolves mate…” He pursed his lips, searching for the right words. “I’m sure you’re familiar with the myths and legends of mating.”
Dawn tilted her head one way and then the other. “It’s like soulmates, right?”
Garrett let out a bark of laughter. “I don’t know if I believe in something as spiritual as a soul, much less the overly sentimental idea that there’s a singular match made and meant just for each one.” He shook his head and shrugged. “But I know there are people and beings we’re drawn to, whose scents and sounds and touch reach inside us and change us forever. And, maybe because werewolves are so attuned to our senses, we feel that more strongly. Are drawn by that so fiercely.”
“And I’m that for Russ?” Dawn didn’t know how to feel about that. Was Russ that for her? She really didn’t know. She liked him, for sure. Was attracted to him and cared for him. But was that the same as the kind of connection Garrett was talking about?
Studying Dawn, he nodded. “Yes, I think you are. I think you have been from the moment he met you. I’ve known Russ for the last handful of years. I’ve seen him claw himself back from the worst, darkest point of his life. He is a man of great fortitude and control.” He sighed and looked at her for a long moment. “But something in him changed these past few months. I think you struck something inside him and he is… changed.”
And not for the better. Dawn could hear the unsaid words between them. “I make him lose control.” She made him weak. “And that’s dangerous, isn’t it?” Frowning, she stiffened her spine, instantly offended for him. “You think he’d hurt me?” She may have only known Russ for few months, not years, but she knew he would never hurt her.
Garrett held out a halting hand. “He couldn’t hurt you if he tried.”
With an indignant huff, she nodded. That was right; Russ wouldn’t. “Then what are you saying?”
Garrett pointedly looked her up and down. “We’re werewolves; you’re not. He could still hurt you without trying.” He shook his head. “And that could kill him.”
Dawn felt herself pale. “What do you mean?”
Garrett sighed, folding his arms over his chest. “Being a werewolf — especially one living in the human world — means living a life of complete control. It’s living with sensory overload. It’s learning when and how to control your strength, your speed, your power. It is a constant battle to never be too much in a world that is filled with those and things not built to withstand you.”
Dawn looked away and furrowed her brow, trying to make sense of his words. “So,” she said, biting her lip, “you’re saying, since I’m a hind, he’s too much for me?” That he could hurt her without meaning to because she was just so frail. So small. Weak. Dawn frowned, the weight of that undeniable realization absolutely crushing. She couldn’t argue with Garrett, much as she might want to. Russ, as a werewolf, was barely leashed power and carefully controlled strength and, as a hind, Dawn was shaky-kneed anxiety and twisted fetlocks. Stuck with her, he’d spend his life — use every ounce of that power and strength — to protect her, from the world, and from himself. Dawn felt exhausted just at the thought. Who was she to ask that of him? “You’re saying that I’m not enough for him.”
Garrett’s lips thinned as he stared at her sympathetically. “I’m saying that no one is.”
Dawn’s frown deepened as she looked at him questioningly.
He swirled the now lukewarm tea in his mug as he looked out the window. “I don’t know how you were raised. How hinds — and your family in particular — adjusted to the shifting world.” He shrugged. “Even before the amnesty, werewolves realized early on that the modern human world was moving in directions we weren’t willing to. In ways we couldn’t, because of who and what we are.”
Dawn tilted her head. She’d never really thought about that before. The ways her life might have been different. Before the amnesty agreement. Before humanity had taken over the world. Before her people — like his, like so many others — had gone into hiding, only to later be forced back out into the open. And all the ways that must have changed and shaped them all.
Was her family’s farm, that had once been her grandfather’s and his father’s before him and his mother’s before him and so on, their way of coping in a world that no longer felt quite like home? Had her family built a haven for themselves to preserve and protect a way of life untouched by the moving on of the modern world?
“Werewolves are pack creatures in a world that demands and all but deifies independence and utter self-reliance, practically to the point of isolation. Where leaning on others, where asking for help,” he turned to look at her pointedly, “where admitting that you — alone — are not and will never be enough, is considered a weakness or a personal failing.” He shook his head. “It’s hard to truly belong anywhere or with anyone with that mentality. In a pack,” Garrett continued, “everyone has a role, a place and a part within the group that is all their own. But no one role, no one person — not even the alpha or a mate — is ever more important than the whole. The pack exists to make every member better and every member exists to make the pack better.”
Dawn nodded, not entirely sure she understood. But, again, it sounded a lot like being part of a family.
Garrett sighed, looking guilty again. “When Russ had turned, I’d brought him into the pack, so we could help him. So we could do and be that for him.” Frowning, he shook his head. “But, not having grown up with that, Russ had a hard time adjusting.”
Dawn’s heart ached, thinking of him struggling like that. “Hard time how?”
Garrett absently took a sip of his tea, wrinkling his nose as soon as the now cool liquid touched his tongue. He got up, clearing their dishes before grabbing the kettle to refresh his and Dawn’s mugs. She smiled at him gratefully, reminded again of her father and how he unconsciously and reflexively cared for others. Taking his seat again, Garret held his mug tightly. “Like many boys in this country, Russ was taught that, if he had a problem, it was his responsibility to deal with it. Alone. So, when it came to adapting to his new life, to his new role within it, Russ resisted our help at almost every turn. Unwilling or unable to lean on us, he kept turning inward, sure he could — should — find the solution there. He is still stuck in the mentality that his problems are his own and to acknowledge them, much less burden someone else with them, is a sign of weakness. So, instead of becoming part of the pack, instead of integrating it and his werewolf side into his identity, Russ dealt with his change by denying those parts of himself, by shoving down the parts of himself that are too hard to deal with.” Garrett cringed. “Which isn’t ideal.”
“Why?” Even though Dawn didn’t like the idea of Russ having to deal with all that alone, if that was how he wanted to handle it… Well, he was the one going through it, wasn’t he? What worked best for him should be his choice, in the end, shouldn’t it?
“Werewolves are pack creatures, by nature and by necessity. We have too much power — that often feels too aggressive, overwhelming, and violent — to be the most powerful thing in our lives. We need to belong to something larger than ourselves. Something that grounds and connects us. That’s why pack is important; it gives werewolves a release, a way to channel all that strength, that speed, that power — and all the complicated emotions wrapped up within it— toward a greater good.” Garret frowned. “But Russ doesn’t see himself as part of that. He keeps himself isolated, contained, and that isn’t healthy for a human — for a werewolf… it’s that much more dangerous.”
Dawn bit her lip and nodded, letting Garrett’s words sink in. Let them add to and fill out the picture she had of Russ. She looked around this apartment and the lonely life he must live in it. She swallowed hard as the image of Russ — shocked and stricken — before he left her last night flashed in her head. Along with the way he’d flinched away from her touch, as if he couldn’t trust it. Or, maybe, couldn’t trust himself. “You’re afraid he’ll hurt me, even as he’s struggling not to.”
Garrett nodded, looking sadly pleased with her again. “We all do. We all hurt and get hurt, often by the people we care about most. That’s part of life, part of living with other people.” He pursed his lips thoughtfully. “What I’m afraid of is that, when he does, he won’t have the tools to deal with it.” Giving Dawn a sympathetic look, Garrett grimaced. “I know you didn’t ask for this, but you’re Russ’s mate now. Joined to and with him for better or worse and for the rest of your lives. Having a mate who doesn’t know how to not be alone, who doesn’t know how to truly be with another person… it’s a lot to put on a partner, a lot for one person to deal with.” He narrowed his gaze on her, holding her gaze so seriously. “So I want to remind you that, werewolf or not, you’re pack now too. And you should never feel like you have to do this alone.”
Even long after her new alpha left, Dawn sat on Russ’s couch, surrounded by the warm scent of his sheets, mulling over Garrett’s words.
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