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CHAPTER SIX: HUNTER'S MOON - PART FOUR
Sitting and staring off at the boats along the horizon, Russ sighed as Garrett approached, his footsteps breaking the quiet tranquility on the end of the empty dock. He’d known this conversation was coming — known it even as he’d made his way here last night — but that didn’t mean he felt ready for it.
So he wordlessly waited while Garrett settled down onto the weathered wood next to him. “So what’s your plan?”
Russ scoffed. Plan? Hell if he knew.
“I assume you don’t intend to move back in.”
Russ snorted harder. He’d had to come out to the shore just to clear his head of all the voices and noises of the main house and the never-ending parade of werewolves, humans, and God-knew-who else running around the estate. All of whom wanted to know what had happened and what he was thinking and feeling, all while trying to forever feed and coddle him. Russ shook his head. He couldn’t stay here. Not and keep his sanity.
But he didn’t exactly have many other options.
“Are you just never going to go home again then?”
Russ pursed his lips, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. Not terribly respectful behavior toward his alpha, he knew, but it was a ridiculous question. Of course he knew that he’d have to go back. Eventually.
But the idea of going back — of seeing Dawn again… With a wretched grunt, he stared sightlessly at the waves. It frustrated him to admit it, but he didn’t know how to do that — go to her, be with her — while he both ached to see her again, with every fiber of his being, even as he agonized over it.
Garrett dangled his legs over the edge of the dock idly. “I like her, by the way.” He leaned back on his arms. “She’s tougher than you’d think and she understands community. Good traits in a pack member.” He breathed deep. “Good traits in a mate.” He nodded, supremely satisfied. “You could have done much worse.”
This time Russ did roll his eyes. Well, wasn’t it just ducky to have Garrett’s approval, but it was never a question of whether Russ could do worse; it was that Dawn deserved better. “How is she?” Russ wanted to bite the words back as soon as he’d said them. He shouldn’t have asked. He shouldn’t know.
“Alone.”
Russ flinched. Yeah. Shit.
Garrett sighed. “You can’t do that; you know. She’s your mate now; you can’t just walk out on her like that. She deserves more from you. Better from you.”
Russ bit back a snarl. He knew that. He did. But what if he couldn’t be better? What if all he could do was fail her, over and over again? “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Russ glared at Garrett when his alpha burst out into laughter. “You think anyone does? Everyone is just trying to struggle their way through. But the point of being in a relationship is to have someone to share that struggle with.” He gave Russ a pointed look. “You have to learn how to talk to her. To let her know what’s going on with you, because it affects her now too. You affect her, the same as she does you.”
But it wasn’t the same. “I scare her.”
“And she scares you.”
Russ stiffened and shot Garrett an indignant look, only to have Garrett snort good-naturedly. “Hey, you were the one who ran last night, not her.” He nodded, annoyingly impressed. “Like I said, she’s tougher than you think.” Garrett sighed and turned to face Russ more fully. “It’s good that you’re scared. It means she matters. You’ve spent years now pushing everyone away. Keeping us all at arm’s length.” He smiled at Russ sympathetically. “But you can’t do that with her, can you? And that’s terrifying.”
Yes. It was. “It’s different with her.” More so than it’d ever been with anyone, even before he’d changed. Russ had been in love before. He’d wanted plenty of women before. But he felt like he fucking needed her. “I don’t know if I like it.”
Garrett chuckled again, making Russ grumble irritatedly. Ignoring his moodiness, Garrett patted Russ’s back comfortingly. “There’s only one way to find out. You should go to her. Talk. Work things out.”
Russ huffed. Easier said than done. “I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Well, then you probably shouldn’t have left her alone in the middle of the night.”
Russ hissed as if he’d been hit. “It’d seemed like the better — the safer — option at the time.”
“For whom?”
Russ looked at Garrett questioningly. “You’ve been warning me for weeks now that my control isn’t what it should be. Last night…” He shook his head, trying to rid his mind of the memories. “I was on the edge. I can’t do that with her.” He couldn’t be that with her.
“Why not?”
What did he mean? Russ narrowed his gaze at Garrett as if he’d lost his mind. “What if I actually hurt her? Not just her feelings, but truly injure her?” He’d never forgive himself.
“Would you really do that?”
Russ felt a growl, dark and unbidden, rumble through him. Not on purpose, obviously; he couldn’t imagine ever intentionally hurting Dawn. Though, until last night, he hadn’t imagined actually punching anyone either. But the rage he’d felt in that moment had felt so much bigger than himself. How could he ever hope to control something like that?
Garrett nodded, as if he could read Russ’s thoughts. “You know, I talked to the cops on the scene and to Dawn’s neighbors. They all said Dawn threw herself between you and Mr. Jones. Multiple times. Pulled and pushed you back, without ever getting so much as a scratch.” He tilted his head, curious. “Why do you think that is?”
Russ paused at that thought. Last night was a blur of anger and violence, of fear and anxiety that hungered for aggression. He honestly didn’t remember all that much, especially the parts where he’d felt the beast take over. But he did have vague memories of Dawn’s palms pressing against his chest. Of her voice in his ear. And of his body instinctively reacting to that. Of fisting claws so they wouldn’t scratch her. Of backing off, so she wouldn’t get hurt in a scuffle. Had he really done that?
“You can control yourself, Russ, if you want to. If you need to.” Garrett’s voice was so sure, with just a trace of warning laced through it. “As your mate, Dawn will…” He gave a rueful sigh. “She’ll likely make that both harder and easier, as you’re starting to see. You’ll need to be more careful around her but, as you’ve also seen, you can be.”
Russ blinked and stared at his hands — so frighteningly capable of violence, but also maybe restraint — letting Garrett’s words mull about his mind.
“She’ll be good for you,” Garrett said with an easy certainty Russ desperately wanted to trust but couldn’t. “You’ve been running from yourself for too long, Russel. But you can’t outrun this. You’re going to have to learn what the rest of us have.”
“Which is?” Russ grunted, crossing his arms over his chest.
“That it takes incredible strength to face your own darkness and deal with it,” Garrett said, studying him in a way that made Russ deeply uncomfortable, “to not just shove it off to the side and deny it until it becomes too big to ignore. Until it becomes not just your problem, but a problem for everyone else around you.”
Facing his own darkness, huh? That sounded awful to Russ. That kind of deep, inward reflection seemed viscerally unpleasant and to be avoided at all costs.
Garrett laughed again. “Yeah, you’re going to hate it. It’s scary and hard and, more often than not, takes more than yourself to do it and do it well.”
Russ scowled and shifted his shoulders irritably, not liking the sound of any of this.
But Garrett just clapped his back again. “You need community, Russ, you need connections. People who will throw up a mirror and let you see yourself clearer. People who will help you carry the parts of yourself that feel too heavy at times. People who will just sit with you while you struggle to sort through it all. And people who will let you know when you’re slipping into darkness and dangers that you may not see coming. Those are the people who will help you become — and stay — the man you want to be.” With a smile, Garrett stood and dusted himself off before reaching a hand down to Russ. “Luckily, you have us. We’ve been waiting for you.”
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