Check out all the chapters by clicking HER(fix)E
CHAPTER FIVE: WOLF MOON - PART FOUR
Dawn practically jumped out of the car the moment it parked in front of her apartment building. While Garrett’s large SUV comfortably sat them all — even with her sitting in middle, across a row of folded seats — being in a vehicle full of strange werewolves during the almost hour-long drive out of the precinct’s city had played on her nerves. Her chest heaved as she sucked in the night air.
Her tail already tensely tall, she looked up at Tucker’s darkened windows. Was he home? Asleep? By the time the DA had allowed them to leave, it’d been well past midnight. Dawn bit her lip, the idea of being in the same building as Tucker — of running into him in the halls or in the laundry room or of him lying in wait in her apartment — had her clutching her throat in panic.
“He won’t touch you again.” Dawn turned to see Russ climb out of the car behind her, his eyes studying her. He nodded to Tucker’s apartment. “I promise, I won’t let him get near you ever again.”
“Because I’m your mate?” The word felt odd — old and otherworldly — in her mouth.
Russ just nodded. “Yes.” He winced. “Sorry.”
Was he? Dawn wasn’t clueless. She knew being mates was a serious thing. But what exactly did it entail? Were they essentially married in the eyes of the werewolf community? Were they bonded for life? Or was it just a fancy, magical version of going steady? They’d barely begun dating. He hadn’t even kissed her since that night after he’d talked to her class, telling her he wanted to go slow since neither of them had dated in a long time. No matter what mates meant, it all seemed too much, too fast.
She felt her legs itch to run. To flee as fast as her hooves could take her. All the way back to the farm. Flicking her tail fast, she looked one way then the other, inhaling sharply, before she shifted her weight.
“Wait.” In a flash, Russ was at her side, clutching her shoulders. “Wait.” His hands were hard as they clung to her almost desperately. It should have hurt, but he touched her so gently. She met his gaze and saw such despair it hurt to look at. “Don’t leave.”
They both turned as they heard Garrett roll down the window. “Russ, a moment.”
The grip on her arms tensed a bit, making her heart race.
“Russel.”
“You won’t go?” Russ’s voice sounded strained, scared. Instinctively, Dawn shook her head, if just to ease him. He frowned and looked at her tail, making it instantly still. With a slow breath, she forced her body, from tip to tail, to unclench. She swore, as she did, she could see his body relax, bit by bit, too. “You’ll stay here?” She nodded, feeling better, calmer. He nodded back before looking over his shoulder at his alpha. “I’ll be right back.” He looked at her again. “I’ll be right back.”
She nodded until he turned and made his way back to the car. She couldn’t hear them talk, but she saw Russ stand at an angle so he could both face his alpha and still see her out of the corner of his eye. Which meant that, even though she couldn’t hear them, she could see the play of emotions — obedience, shame, acknowledgment, annoyance, and resignation — flicker over his face in the harsh parking lot lights. With a final nod, Russ turned to head back to the apartment, his eyes locked on the ground.
Dawn frowned, wondering what Garrett had said to Russ to make him look like a chastised pup facing the business end of a newspaper. She held her breath as Russ met her gaze, the look in his eyes both deeply sorry yet defiantly not, as he passed her before heading into the building, leaving her little option but to follow. She trailed him first to the storage room, where he collected whatever he needed, then up to her apartment and through her now newly broken door.
“You can’t stay here; it isn’t safe.”
She looked at Russ, who still couldn’t seem to look at her. “I know.” Even just being in the unit made her skin crawl as she remembered Tucker’s hands in her hair, on her skin, and his lips and tongue against hers. She couldn’t stay here. Not until she deep cleaned it and got that damned door replaced again.
But where else could she go? Biting her lip, she wracked her brain. She had some work friends and, of course, there was Grace and Freddy, but she didn’t really feel comfortable staying with any of them.
“You could stay with me.” She stared at him as he shoved his hands into his pockets. His shoulders slumped in on himself, making his large form as small as possible. He shrugged. “If you want. I’d sleep on the couch, of course,” he quickly added.
Dawn fidgeted. “I don’t want to put you out.”
Russ bit his lip and looked at her, thoughts roiling behind his eyes. He shook his head and let out a huff. “Can I be honest with you?”
Dawn took a step toward him. “I’d like that.” Given their situation and how little she understood it, honesty seemed like a good idea. “Please.”
He stared at her for a long moment, considering. Finally, he nodded, but looked out the window. “I would rest easier knowing you’re safe. If you’re with me, at my place, then I’ll know.” He shifted his weight back and forth. “I mean, if I’m there with you, I can do whatever you need to make you feel safe.” His jaw tensed. “But, if you’re not comfortable with that,” he shrugged and said, “I understand.”
How did she feel? Despite everything that had happened tonight, she did feel safer with him around. She knew Russ was a werewolf, a predator. She’d seen the kind of violence he was capable of, up close and personal. She should be scared of him.
Was she?
She could feel nerves rattle inside her, urging her legs to run even as her frazzled body felt ready to collapse from exhaustion. She pursed her lips and shut her eyes. What did she want? She took a deep sigh, before looking up and meeting Russ’s patient gaze. “I think it’s been a really rough day and I just want to get out of here so I can sleep.” She worried her lip nervously. “If you’re offering to let me stay with you, I would appreciate it a lot; thank you.”
While Dawn packed an overnight bag, she could hear Russ drill a temporary padlock on her broken door that would at least keep her apartment secure until they could replace the door again.
Once done, in the hallway, she watched him lock the heavy padlock behind them and, maybe illogically or irrationally, felt better. Something tight clutching her chest loosened, relaxed, just a bit as her shoulders lowered. She turned to see Russ staring at her and she had the feeling that he was seeing her every thought and feeling. He held out his hand to her. “Ready?”
Hefting her bag onto her shoulder, she took his hand and smiled. “Yes.”
Dawn followed Russ to his apartment. Even though this wasn’t the first time she’d been there, as she stepped into the space, it felt like it. She clung to the strap of her bag as Russ threw his keys into a chipped ceramic cup on the kitchen countertop, looking around.
She knew that Russ had lived here for three years, but it really didn’t look like it. She’d only been in her apartment for a couple of months — and, sure, a lot of her stuff was still in boxes — but she had more possessions than he did. It wasn’t that his place looked unwelcoming or unlived in, but, from what she could see, he lived a spartan-style life. His living room had a faded couch, a stained and scratched coffee table, an older-looking TV, and a bookshelf half-filled with gardening books. His kitchen seemed to have a kettle, a pot, a pan, like, three plates, two mugs, and a mismatch of utensils and cookware. She wondered what his bedroom would have. This place was clearly meant for one person and one person alone, and likely hadn’t seen another person in a long time, if ever.
She looked at Russ as if really seeing him for the first time. “Can I ask you a question?”
Self-consciously, Russ started to fill the kettle with water. “Sure.”
She had a million questions buzzing in her head — like why he seemed to live such a lonely life and why he seemed to be making an exception for her — but they all felt too personal, too intense. So, instead, she asked, “So what does being mates mean, exactly?”
Russ grabbed the two mugs. “Do you want some tea?” He opened a cupboard filled with numerous matching, clearly labeled tins. “I have a bunch of different kinds. Chamomile? Mint? Lavender?”
Seeing a red flush peek out from his collar, Dawn set down her bag next to the coffee table and allowed the change in subject. “I’ve never had lavender tea; that sounds lovely.” She watched him take out a tin and begin to prepare the tea. “I wouldn’t have thought of you as a tea guy.”
As he measured out and spooned the tiny dried leaves into the infuser, he shrugged. “The garden has all these herbs and I’ve found that tea — not just the drink itself but the, I guess, ritual of making it — calms me.”
Calmness sounded good; God knew, she could use that right now. “So you’ve dried these leaves yourself?”
He nodded as he let the tea steep. “It’s not hard. More time-consuming than just buying from the store, but I like it.”
Dawn smiled and nodded as she took a seat on his floor next to the coffee table. “Food made from our farm’s crops always tastes the best. It’s like you’ve watched it grow — helped it grow — so it tastes that much better, right?”
He smiled his ghost of a grin as he poured two mugs of tea and brought it to her. “Yeah, you’re exactly right.” As she breathed over the steaming mug to cool it, he settled down on the floor with her and sighed. “For you,” he said, his voice suddenly more serious, “the mating means you’re part of the pack now. If you’re ever in trouble or need help, you can rely on them, on me. All you ever have to do is ask.” He tilted his head one way and then the other. “I suppose, it also means the reverse. If the pack ever asks for help, it’s the members’ responsibility to respond.”
Dawn nodded. That didn’t sound bad. Sounded pretty good, actually. The city could be really lonely sometimes and being part of something — part of a family — sounded really nice. But something still felt… unanswered, unsettled. “What does it mean for us?”
Russ took a sip of his tea before setting it back down on the coffee table, the flush on his cheeks deepening. He stared into his tea, watching the steam swirl over the top intently. “What do you want it to mean?”
Dawn couldn’t be certain, but she didn’t think that was how that kind of thing worked. “Is it up to me?”
Keeping his head downturned, he looked up at her with an inscrutable mix of emotions in his eyes. “Yes.”
Dawn fiddled with the mug on the table. That was a lot. She felt like she didn’t have nearly enough information about any of this, yet was holding both their lives and futures in her hands. “What about you?”
He swallowed hard before downing his still hot mug. Not that he seemed affected by the heat, even though her tea still felt warm enough to scald her tongue and throat. “What about me?”
She leaned in and narrowed her gaze at him, concerned. “What does mating mean for you?” It must mean something, right? All the stories and legends made mating sound magical and binding, like a uniting of souls. Yet she didn’t feel any different. She didn’t feel closer to him. If anything, she could sense this strange, new distance. And she didn’t like it.
Russ frowned, his already thin lips pulling tighter as his brow furrowed. He sighed. “Mating has a lot of meanings in werewolf culture.” He shook his head. “I didn’t grow up with it, so I don’t know how much of it actually means much outside of it.”
“Are we outside of it?” Dawn frowned thoughtfully. “I mean, we’re part of the pack, right? I know you don’t live with them, but you’re still part of it, right? Which makes their culture yours.” She shrugged. “Ours, now, I guess.”
Russ rolled his shoulders uncomfortably before getting up to refill his mug. As he poured himself more tea, he coughed. “I’ve always thought of my being a werewolf as a curse or like having a disease, not really a culture or way of life.” He stood facing away from her as he held the mug in his hands. “I’ve had to… re-evaluate that, ever since I met the kids in your class.” He bowed his head but his voice seemed lighter, touched with wonder. “They were werewolves, like me, but they were also just regular kids, with art projects and games with friends. I don’t know how anyone could look at those kids and think they were cursed.” He turned to look at her from the kitchen. “I always thought that becoming a werewolf meant the end of the life I’d always thought I’d have. A job. Friendships. A relationship. Marriage. Kids. Because of you, I’m starting to see that, maybe, that doesn’t have to be the case.” He frowned and tensed. “But now…” He sighed and grimaced at her. “I just don’t want to do that to you. I don’t want this part of me to steal the future you’d planned, the future you want, from you.”
Dawn wrapped her hands around her mug, letting the warmth from the sweet-smelling cup soothe her. He didn’t want to be her curse. “Is that what you think mating might do?”
Russ looked at her, regret clear in his gaze. “I don’t want it to.” He looked out the window again. “In the eyes of the werewolf community — in the human world, now too, I suppose, now that it’s part of the legal record — we’re essentially…” He swallowed hard. “…married.” He held out a hurried, halting hand. “I don’t expect anything from you. I want to be clear about that. I am really grateful to you for helping me get out of that mess, but I am so sorry that you had to get roped into it at all. Know that I never meant for that to happen and I will do whatever I have to to make sure this inconveniences you as little as possible.”
Dawn blinked at that, mulling over his words. “Will this inconvenience you?” He’d just said that he hadn’t wanted this. Not that she necessarily wanted this either. She liked Russ. God knew, she wanted him. And she did want to get married. Some day. She just hadn’t imagined it happening quite like this. Was that what he’d meant or did he regret being mated to her? Now that he could see himself having a wife and kids and maybe even being part of the pack, did she, as a hind and not a werewolf, ruin that for him? Could they even have kids together? Was his worrying about ruining her life a reflection or projection of his worry about his own life?
Dawn looked up as she felt hands clasp hers around her mug. Kneeling on the carpet next to her, Rand was staring straight at her, his amber eyes burning. “You saved me. You saved our pack.” He squeezed her hands. “I can never repay you for what you did. But I swear to try. I’ll do whatever you need me to.”
Dawn felt her body tense. She could see such desperation in his face and posture, could feel it in his touch, and it — the depth and intensity of it — scared her. It was a lot to put on a person, especially after the day she’d had. With Tucker, he wanted things from her that she didn’t want to give. With Russ, it felt as if he was willing to give her all these things that didn’t really feel like hers to take. While she would never compare the two — they were so different, thinking of the two men together in the same thought felt wrong — but, all the same and all together, it was… just too much. Even if it was in completely separate ways, they both unsettled her.
She felt Russ’s hands disappear as he scooted away from her again, pushing himself up against the wall. “Are you afraid of me now?”
Dawn frowned at the pained expression on his face, tucking her tail. “No.”
His brow furrowed as his gaze narrowed on her, disbelieving. “I can smell it on you.” His nose wrinkled as he shook his head. “You’re scared.”
She bit her lip and shrugged. “It’s been a scary night.”
“Because of me.” He cringed in on himself.
She grimaced. “Because of a lot of things.”
“One of them being me.”
Dawn pursed her lips, not knowing what to say to that.
In a flash of movement that felt like a flinch, Russ rushed for the door. “I should go.” And, before she could think of anything to say to stop him, he left.
READ CHAPTER SI(fix)X
WANT MORE?
No comments:
Post a Comment