Thursday, August 8, 2013

Show Me How to Love You

WHAT PUCKS LOVE

Tasha sat up straighter. “There’s something I should probably tell you too.”

Ro held her breath, knowing what was coming next. Some Midsummer Night’s Dream fantasy. Or some humanity-first philosophy. It was the world she lived in as a Puck and she’d long since learned to brace herself for it.

Tasha’s grip on the teacup tightened, her long, teak fingers tapping against the vibrant green. She took a steadying breath. “I like to take relationships slowly.” She looked up at Ro, her dark eyes wide and impossibly vulnerable. “Like, really slowly.”

What did that mean? Ro couldn’t even guess. “Explain that to me.”

Tasha shifted in her seat, her long, thick side braid swaying a bit against her shoulder. She bit down on her bottom lip, worrying the full flesh. She sighed and shot Ro a clear fuck it expression. “Since we’re laying it all out there, I guess you should know that pretty much every relationship I’ve ever been in has ended because I never feel comfortable getting... physically intimate with someone until I know them well.”

Ro huffed, steeling herself a bit. “Look, I know that there’s a stereotype about pucks and sex.” She waved her hand dismissively. “The whole ‘you know what pucks like’ thing.”

“What thing?”

Was she kidding? “That pucks like to...” She felt her cheeks flush. Surely, Tasha had heard the saying before. Ro had certainly grown up with people — classmates, friends, lovers, strangers — teasing and taunting her with it. She’d spent her whole life being the punchline of a lazy, rhyming sex joke.

“Oh!” Tasha’s face paled as she shook her head. “Oh, no, that’s not what I meant at all. I didn’t mean that you —” She swallowed hard. “I just mean that I —” She took a breath. “It sounds bad, but this really is a case of ‘It’s not you; it’s me.’” She looked so awkward, her jaw clenched and her hands tucked tightly in her lap, that it was hard not to believe her. It wasn’t judgement Ro felt radiating from her; it was shame. “Truth is, I’ve never really felt like I’ve known anyone, so, you know, intimacy — all kinds, not just sex — and me just...”

Ro fought to freeze her face, not wanting to show her shock. “So.” How to phrase this? “You’ve never...”

Tasha gave a humorless laugh. “I have; it was just...” She wrinkled her nose. “Uncomfortable.”

Ro sat back thoughtfully. Okay. “So how well do you need to know someone before you feel comfortable?”

Tasha leaned on the table, resting her face in her hands as she stared into the tea pensively. “Well, the idea of sex never really sounded all that appealing to me. Truth be told, I often wonder what possessed the first people to even try it. It just sounds... messy and awkward and, if everything I’ve heard is true, often more work than it’s worth.”

Ro frowned. She wasn’t the stereotype people thought pucks were, some sex-crazed creature constantly in heat. But she did like sex. A lot. And intimacy in general. She enjoyed kissing and cuddling and holding hands. She couldn’t imagine being in a relationship without those things.

Tasha looked up, her dark eyes a little hopeful. “But the idea of making love...” She lifted her shoulder a bit, smiling sweetly. “That sounds like it could be nice. Like a physical manifestation of that feeling.” Then her shoulders slumped. “But making love kinda necessitates that you be in love, right...”

To read the rest of my story “What Pucks Love” that explores the often magical possibilities of love in this anthology from Speculatively Queer

It Gets Even Better: Stories of Queer Possibility is an anthology of speculative short fiction about queerness as it might be. These stories are about identity, relationships, and community. They're about hope, acceptance, affirmation, and joy. And most of all, in a time when uncertainty feels inescapable and overwhelming, they're about taking one another by the hand and choosing together to embrace the unknown.

The possibilities are endless.

This anthology is full of uplifting, affirming stories by an outstanding line-up of speculative fiction authors: Charlie Jane Anders, Phoebe Barton, Zen Cho, Sonni de Soto, Ben Francisco, Amy Griswold, S.L. Huang, Jaxton Kimble, Rafi Kleiman, Kristen Koopman, D.K. Marlowe, R.J.Mustafa, Aimee Ogden, TS Porter, Lauren Ring, Swetha S. Ziggy Schutz, Nibedita Sen, Leora Spizter, Merc Fenn Wolfmoor, Nemma Wollenfang, & Xu Ran.

 

Available: 

ebook & Print

PayPal Copy 


Listen:   

Excerpt

 

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Friday, July 19, 2013

Chapter Twenty-Two: Big Picture

Check out all the chapters by clicking HERE

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: BIG PICTURE

“You were following him that night,” the lawyer snapped into his phone at the well-recommended investigator. Angry more at himself than Marcus, he sat hunched in the chair he’d tied Max to the night before. “Explain to me how you don’t know how he got those photos.”

He was angry. Pissed that nothing seemed to make sense this morning. Not this case. Not his work. Not fucking Max Wells.

He’d been stewing all day since he’d woken up at 6:30 this morning to find her already gone. No longer sweetly naked and curled up with him on the comfortable black leather couch he kept in his office. Not in the office at all. Her things and her car gone.

No note.

No goodbye.

Just gone.

His teeth set on edge.

“He didn’t take the pictures.” Marcus’s calm voice bringing him back to the present. “There’s no way he did. He wasn’t even in the area at the time. He was in his brownstone all night. He’s got someone else working with or for him.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know yet,” the detective admitted grudgingly. “I’m looking into other members in his church, but none of the leads have panned out. We’re also looking into the restaurant staff. Maybe they’ve been getting a little off-books overtime.”

“Call me the instant you have something concrete.” The counselor pressed his fingers against his temple. “I want proof.” He hung up before he flicked through his email, skimming through the various messages.

He had people tracking Wayne’s every electronic move. What he searched. What he bought. What he received.

Wayne had been busy. Buying spy cams and bugs and all sorts of Bond-esque gear. After scrutinizing Wayne’s online banking, he could see that the man had spent a significant amount of money at a home improvement store, enough for paint and tools to trash Hallie’s store.

It was incriminating, to be sure. But it wasn’t enough. Not only could he not use any of it in court—should it come to that—having been obtained...creatively but, without something like a corresponding bug in hand to corroborate the implications, it was also all circumstantial. After all, all Wayne needed to say was that he was looking into updating his restaurant’s security system but that he decided against those particular items and tossed them.

They needed more to take Wayne down.

He didn’t want to go to Max or Hallie with piddling evidence. He wanted to say definitively that he’d gotten Wayne. He wanted to promise that Wayne would never bother either of them ever again.

Especially Max.

He’d done this to her. By sending Wayne’s wife the pictures of him with the sex worker. He should have seen this coming, should have known that Wayne would retaliate.

He just hadn’t thought Wayne would drag anyone else into this. Especially not Max. She—even more than Pip or Lynn or Sara—had so much to lose by this because she so rarely lost. He hated to see her weakened by this. He so admired her strength, her fire, her fight, that it bothered him—tortured him—to see her brought low by this.

By him.

He had to fix this. Had to make it right. Had to give her back her fire. He owed her that much.

He wanted to give her more.

“Sir?” Elin said into the office intercom. “Sir?”

“Yes?” he answered.

“You’ll want to turn on the local news now,” she told him. “Ms. Wells is making an announcement.”

He turned on his television, clicking through the channels until he saw Max on the screen. Perfectly polished from her coiffed red curls to her professionally tailored suit, Max presented a poised, impressive front.

“This kind of discrimination is unacceptable in this day in age.” Standing in front of Hallie’s shop, microphone in hand, she made a great face for the cause, made stronger by the bustling volunteers surrounding her. “Hallie Hannings is a beautiful talent and a great addition to this neighborhood. But, if Lionel Wayne and his followers have their way, no one will ever see it.”

The screen shifted to previously filmed shots panning over protesters holding signs calling Hallie a “Jezebel.” Other signs warned of the effects such a smut-seller would have on children, turning sons into sex-fiends and daughters into whores. Others still ominously proclaimed that she and her ilk marked the breakdown of family values and societal morals.

Ridiculous.

Max’s voice continued over the feed. “They want to run her out of town simply for the crime of being a woman with a dream.”

The show cut back to the trusted yet perky blond anchor who announced, “And now, in our studio, we have Mr. Lionel Wayne, head of the campaign protesting the opening of Bits ‘n’ Pieces, and his wife, Mrs. Eliza Wayne. Mr. Wayne, please explain why you’re so against Ms. Hannings’s boutique.”

“Thank you for having us, Wendy.” Wayne, impeccably groomed, gave the camera a devastating smile, a charming skin over a snake. His wife, a prim-looking woman, sat tight-lipped but supportive next to him.

“We’ve nothing against anyone, man or woman, pursuing their entrepreneurial dreams,” Wayne said directly into the camera, “after all, I myself am a businessman. But I’m also a husband and a father first. And our neighborhood is full of family-friendly shops and restaurants. My restaurant alone does most of its business with families with children of all ages. And we feel that an adult-oriented sex shop just doesn’t fit in with our ideals and goals for our neighborhood.”

“It’s not a sex shop,” Max pointed out, causing the camera to cut over to her. “Bits ‘n’ Pieces is a high-end lingerie boutique, filled with exquisite, exclusive creations for women with discerning tastes.” Again, they cut over to stock footage of large-chain lingerie stores in the neighborhood. “As you can see, mere blocks from Hallie Hannings’s boutique, these so-called ill-fitting stores have already come into this neighborhood without a blink of an eye. No one protested when they set up shop. What makes Bits ‘n’ Pieces so special?”

The camera came back to her. “Look back at the protesters’ signs. They aren’t attacking Hallie as a business owner. They’re attacking her as a woman. How dare she, as a woman, sell anything remotely sexual to other women? How dare she, as a woman, encourage other women to embrace and enjoy their sensuality? What a threat Hallelujah Hannings must pose to the women of their neighborhood. I can certainly see why Lionel Wayne and the good men following him might be scared.”

The lawyer sat back in his office chair and smiled, beaming with such pride as he watched her speak.

Wayne straightened. “I am scared, Wendy. Scared for my daughter and son, though they’re both fully grown and were raised with strong values. But my niece and nephew are both under the age of twelve and still very impressionable. And I’m terrified by the message that woman’s store is selling them.” He shook his head sorrowfully and took his wife’s hand, patting it comfortingly, more for his audience than the frowning woman shaking her head disapprovingly.

“What about you, Mrs. Wayne,” the anchor asked, “what are your thoughts?”

Eliza Wayne bit her lip and looked at her husband who nodded encouragingly at her. She took a deep breath. “I’ve seen her website, Wendy. She doesn’t just sell undergarments. She sells sex toys and bondage gear. Lubricants and chemical stimulants. It’s hard enough to try to instill good morals in our children these days without it invading our neighborhoods.”

Her husband added, “And I know for a fact that Ms. Hannings is involved with—is receiving funding and support from—Donovan’s, a known purveyor of sexual deviance and vice. She herself is a member of that club and is often seen there in attendance with questionable parties.”

“Donovan’s,” Max admitted, “has been unbelievably generous to Hallie’s cause. Providing not only financial contributions, but also lending storage space during construction, as well as calling its members en masse to volunteer. It, like her, is a pillar of this city with a social conscience that should be applauded. As for sexual deviancy or indecency, both Donovan’s and Hallie have broken no laws. And the questionable party Mr. Wayne is referring to is Rachel Haut, owner of Haut Coffee Cafe and Hallie Hannings’s girlfriend. The very idea that any of them have anything to hide or be ashamed of is not only outdated, Mr. Wayne, but offensive.”

Max straightened her shoulders. “And as for her shop’s wares, as I said, Hallie’s shop stands as a champion of female-empowered sexuality, in all its many and varied forms. There is nothing wrong with any of the items sold in her store. In fact, many of them have opened and improved the sexual lives and health of innumerable women everywhere. And, the fact of the matter is,” she continued, “if a man opened the same shop in the same space, no one would think twice. Because a man selling women ways to better attract other men is perfectly acceptable—as a country and a people, we’ll make them rich off of that—but a woman selling those same women confidence and empowerment...” She shrugged. “For that, we grab protest signs and injunctions like pitchforks and torches.”

Remote in hand, the counselor sat back, smug with satisfaction, when the camera cut back to the studio. “I have to ask, Ms. Wells, why are you in this fight?” Wendy asked. “You’re a senior editor at Elysia Publishing with no prior connection to the neighborhood or Miss Hannings. What’s in this for you?”

Max nodded. “I’m a professional woman who’s been lucky enough to have had great mentors—men and women who’ve put themselves out there to help me get where I am today. They picked up the fight for me; I owe it to them and to future professional women out there to do the same.” The screen showed a picture of her company’s logo. “And Elysia Publishing has made a name for itself advocating female empowerment, fulfilling women’s fantasies in every respect. The minute we heard about Hallie’s plight, we took arms. Because if we don’t all stand up and fight for women like Hallie Hannings, who will?”

Wendy thanked both guests, mentioning where people can go to find out more about both sides before segueing to the next story.

Even before he turned off the television, the counselor was reaching for the intercom. “Get Max on the phone,” he said to Elin.

The brazen publisher had been amazing. Cool. Confident. Eloquent and educated. The perfect spokesperson.

“Her line is busy, sir,” Elin came back. “I’ve tried twice now, but it just goes straight to voicemail.”

He sighed. Of course. She’d just laid out a call to arms to every socially conscious feminist out there. Of course her line was jammed. “Keep trying, Elin. I need to speak with her. Now.”

He was so proud of her. So damned pleased and honored to even know a woman as brave as Max.

But a part of him still worried. Going on that show like she did, challenging Wayne head-on, was like painting a target on her back. If she thought the pictures he’d sent were the worst Wayne was capable of, he was sure they were both about to find out that was wrong.

Wayne would come after her. Would include her even more in his vendetta. Max may very well have done Hallie a favor at the expense of herself.

He logged online. He doubted her email would work any better, but he had to warn her. Writing a quick and urgent message for her to contact him as soon as she could, he sent it off with a fired click of impatience.

She hadn’t even asked him. Hadn’t consulted with him at all before she’d snuck out of his office this morning, before she’d unilaterally decided to go on that show. She’d just charged—guns blazing—without caution or care.

He’d thought they were working together. Thought she trusted him to take care of this.

“Call on line three,” Elin announced.

“Is it Max?”

“No,” she said. “It’s Mrs. Valdez-Richards.”

He paused.

Kat?

Why was Kat calling him? “I’ll take it.” He answered the transfer, “Kat?”

“Hey.” She sounded less than happy. “Did you see Max’s appearance?”

“Yes,” he answered. “I just saw it.”

“I’ve tried calling her at the office. I’ve tried her cell. Every line is busy,” she said. “I knew that she was planning to do something drastic about Wayne, but...” She huffed. “I’m worried about her. What’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “Knowing Wayne and the level of escalation he’s taken so far, it’ll be bad.”

“I want to help,” she said. “If my friend is ready to lay everything on the line for this, I want to be there with her. What can I do?”

He thought about it for a moment. “You know that, if you do, he’ll likely come after you and Peter, and you both have much darker secrets and much deeper closets than Max or Hallie.”

“She’s my best friend,” she said. “I owe her. Whatever the cost. And, if I don’t stand up and fight for her, who will?” Then she scoffed. “Besides...let him. I won’t be made to feel ashamed of something that I love. Wayne is the one in the wrong here; let him be ashamed.”

He sat back in his chair and sighed. A call to arms, indeed.

“Do you still post on Peter’s website?” he asked, knowing that since she’d been published and since Peter’s business had begun to grow, neither of them had much time for SyncKink.com, Peter’s kinky social network site, anymore.

“Not in a while. Why?”

“I think,” he said, still forming a plan in his mind, “I might have a way to get the message out, to create a more unified source for our cause.”

“By using SyncKink as a homepage for Hallie,” Kat finished for him. “That’s brilliant. We could post pictures and have volunteers share stories. I could write day-to-day updates of where all the money and manpower are going and how far we have left to go. We could link all the contributing businesses and organizations. We could even set up a digital donation fund, where people can donate straight through the site. Brilliant! I’ll call Peter and Jeri and get this set up.”

After promising her that he would send her links to all the people, businesses, and organizations he’d contacted about Hallie, they hung up.

So Max was amassing her army, forming a formidable offense.

But he knew that wouldn’t stop Wayne.

They hadn’t heard the last from him. He’d see Max’s little impromptu press conference as the thrown gauntlet. The start of the war.

And they would need a solid defense.

Picking up the phone, he got to work.


READ CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

 

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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Kneel Before Me

GENUFLECT

Nicholas Bailey shoved his hands in his leather jacket and walked down the beachside sidewalk, passing workers on their way home. Harried families fought foot traffic with lovestruck couples presently too enthralled with each other to hear the tired cries and frustrated sighs of their futures. The din of one-sided cellphone conversations clashed against the call of street vendors, each raising its volume as they struggled to be heard over the other.

Shutting his eyes, wishing it were that easy to shut it all out, Nicholas turned the corner and stared at his destination.

For a person who knew where to look, Donovan’s was built like a veritable magic box, with trap doors and hidden hatches everywhere. There were an obscene amount of ways to secret into and out of this den of decadence disguised as just another trendy downtown club.

There was always the front; the shined steel and tinted glass face at the foot of the deceptively large brick building, that hinted at the writhing, undulating bodies barely veiled behind it as pulsating rhythms poured seductive out into the night like a siren’s song.

Then there was the exclusive back way, reserved for the highly exclusive and highly elite — those who held those keys were the ones with the most to hide and the most to lose. They were the ones whose business-suited exteriors hid more exciting centers, slowly revealed as they mazed their way through the labyrinthine offices that shared their homes and hallways with the increasingly infamous club. Clandestine comfort through corporate covers.

But still too were all the side entrances, doors that were often hidden, marked only by a lone smoker standing sentry or a lounging barfly leaning against black brick, allowing only the authorized and approved attendance.

Those were the doors that, for three years now, Nicholas had preferred. The shadowed passageways in darkened alleys where few deigned to notice and fewer dared to frequent. It offered cover and comfort of a different sort. In his usual costume of dark jeans and dark jacket, it lent Nicholas an invisible anonymity he appreciated. Especially in the past few months, since word about the club and the eccentric clientèle it catered to had spread across the local media waves just in time for splashy seasonal sweeps.

Last night, Nicholas had seen yet another report about protest groups of the devoutly faithful who had posted themselves at Donovan’s front and rear entrances to vehemently preach against not only the club’s members, but the businesses that allowed this hedonistic haven to flourish. “It’s an abomination,” a blond woman in a snow white sweater with pretty, serious eyes, had said into the reporter’s microphone, “to allow such an affront to goodness and decency to stand.”

Nicholas knew he had to be careful. Had to avoid the cameras and reporters and protesters flanking the main ways. Hand hovering over his naked throat, he missed the feel of his stiff, crisp white collar. He felt exposed without it, even as the light weight of it felt like a leaden lie in his pocket. But it was better this way. A necessary sin. Father Nicholas Bailey knew no one would — no one could — ever understand.

Nicholas wasn’t at all that sure he understood.

Nodding to Gabe, the tall, beefy doorman on duty, Nicholas flashed his membership pass — a simple strip of laminated cardboard on his keychain with nothing but a barcode that Gabe scanned before letting him inside the unassuming north side door the doorman had been leaning up against while he smoked. The terse man greeted him with an acknowledging nod and a puff of his ever-present cigarette. Nicholas nodded back and entered.

Who is this that cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke? Nicholas thought, the passage hanging in the air before him, swirling as it wafted, woven within the cloud Gabe’s cigarette and breath had left.

In the dimly lit hallways, Nicholas could hear the music throbbing from the dance floor in the club proper through the strangely plain walls. He touched the stone-gray walls and imagined that he could feel the pounding beat against his fingers, could feel the heated twist of gyrating bodies against his hand.

Moving down the cave-like hallways, he headed further back, driven and drawn as if called by name. Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest. He let the curves and turns in the walls lead him as he made the familiar pilgrimage back. As he walked, the sounds of the music muted, replaced by a strangely soothing cacophony of muffled murmurs, soft sighs, and sharp gasps.

He closed his eyes, sightlessly sure of his way. Instead, he concentrated on the sounds surrounding him. In one hallway, people recited poetry, their voices low and breathy as their words stroked over the senses. He couldn’t hear well enough to distinguish the words, but the cadence and tone were enough to carry him on his way. Another was nothing but guttural grunts and groans, the sound of flesh pounding against flesh in a struggle that sounded at least as lusty and primal as it was fierce. Yet another was completely silent except for the slightest shuffle and a stifled sigh.

With a sigh of his own, Nicholas turned his final corner and stopped in front of a door. A rather ordinary looking one. Not really different from the others around it, if it weren’t for the air of formal reverence and faint organ music that drifted around it.

Opening the door, the scent of incense — the pungent, piney scent of frankincense — assaulted him. The dim, candlelit room was small, about the size of a classroom, with old, creaking pews lined in a vee around a tall table draped like an altar set atop a small, elevated stage at the head of the room. Pictures of saints suffering serenely hung everywhere as classical hymns played over the speakers at the front of the room.

For a moment, Father Nicholas stood still at the mouth of the mock chapel.

He shouldn’t like this room.

Should hate it and the offense its gaudy, fetishized face made of his faith.

He was a priest, for goodness sake!

But, as he made his way down the aisle of pews, his fingers brushing the slick, slightly nicked wood, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders.

This week he’d counseled two rehab groups — one for alcohol addiction, another for drugs. He’d mentored children in hospices, his heart breaking as he tried to comfort kids hooked up to monitors and machines who knew things about life and death that Nicholas didn’t think he was ready to understand.

Today, he’d spent hours trying to urge a woman to report her husband’s abuse. They had five years of marriage, only three of them good. She had a busted lip, a bruised cheek, and a child on the way. And he…

Nicholas had had a sickened heart and none of the right words.

So when his brothers had urged him to take some time for himself — to get out and away for a bit — he hadn’t gone for the walk he’d told them he would. He hadn’t gone to the park or the store or to get some coffee like perhaps he ought to have.

He’d come here.

God only knew why.

Nicholas knelt, dropping into a gentle genuflect and made the sign of the cross, before taking a seat in the second row. It should have felt wrong to perform the rituals in this space, to perform the sacred within the profane.

Except it didn’t feel profane.

Nicholas checked the clock on the wall. Any minute now, the mass would start. Lowering himself onto the padded kneeler, he bowed his head and laid his folded hands onto the back of the pew in front of him. Quieting his mind, he opened himself to the room. To the experience. Letting the day’s pressures lift.

The room was hushed, filled only with the soft whisper of ecclesiastic strains and the reverent shuffle of silent feet as the pews began to fill. He could feel the collective anticipation — the shared held breath that seemed to fill the air in the room. It was heavy, heady, this thick thing in their midst. Like the moment right before a storm, it was excited and exciting as it built with each quiet tick of the clock.

He began to pray; the familiar words a comfort, a steady habit that even here — especially here — he couldn’t break. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

And then he heard it.

Nicholas’s eyes popped open as he raised his head. He turned, his ears searching for the sound. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.

It started low, this rhythmic tap — just a small ting against tile — like the beat of a heart.

His hands clenched as his pulse raced. On earth as it is in heaven.

She took her time — as was her tendency to do — letting just the sound of her speak. The soft sigh of skin against the rough rasp of cloth. And that slowly approaching tap with each stilettoed step.

Give us this day our daily bread.

His gut clenched when she stepped into the room, as it always did in that moment, titillation tingling, taboo and thrilling, along his whole body. Not just under the skin, but soul-deep.

Catholic guilt, he thought blandly, almost matter-of-factly. The belief that everyone is born guilty, that the very act of breathing held within it the essence of sin. The idea that life — this precious and fragile and beautiful gift — was meant to be mourned, was preordained to be spent miserable and wanting.

Nicholas, no matter how much he’d studied the belief at seminary or thought and meditated on it now, had always felt it had no place in his faith.

Yet, as the woman, Solomon, in her store-bought clerical costume took her place at the head of the makeshift altar, Nicholas wondered if he would crave — would love and need and be so moved by — this experience if not for its transgressive nature.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

She signaled them to rise. As a whole, the room — men and women, the loved and the lonely, the lost and the found — stood.

Not a great beauty, Solomon was tall and thin, her small breasts buried and hidden beneath the men’s garb even as her shoulders and hips pressed tight against the ill-fitted material. Her frizzy cloud of dark curls was left wild about her face like a dark halo, framing angles too sharp and lines a little too harsh to be called truly feminine. Her lips, painted a dramatic red, were thin but firm, a definite and expressive slash across her face.

Her eyes were the only really soft quality about her. Deep and brown, they gazed out at her flock with a tenderness and caring Nicholas understood well. Whatever their differences, he knew he — more than anyone else in the room — understood that look. It connected them somehow. Made him feel close to her. Intimate, in a way.

“‘As the lily among thorns, so is my love.’” Her voice was clear and sure as she addressed the room with arms still outstretched as if to embrace.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

“Amen,” he said along with the chorus of others before she gestured for them to sit.

Again, he wondered why he came here. Why he felt so compelled to watch as they aped at holy acts and parroted passages and sacred psalms.

As a priest, he could see the inaccuracies. The falsehood of the farce. Dressed in polyester in a room filled with old, mismatched church trappings, Solomon made for a ridiculous officiate. With her crimson lips and her five-inch stiletto boots, she wasn’t even really trying. Sure, she had the words — if a snickering child’s understanding of them, like a puckish preteen giggling over cuss words in confirmation class. It ought to have felt fake and wrong.

Yet that look. That look of compassion and love; it felt more honest than Nicholas could remember being in a long time. There was something safe and soothing in the way she looked at the pews filled with her followers. In the way she looked at him.

“‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come,’” Solomon said as she gestured out to the small gathered crowd. “Have no fear. Have no shame. For ‘thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.’”

Nicholas moved to once again kneel, his supplicant hands folded against the pine, itching — to take, to hold, to reach — for something as he watched people — first just one tentative follower, then another and then another — walk through the pews, trickling into the aisle to line up before her.

With bowed heads, the three stood at the lip of the small stage, shaking with nerves while the room stared at their bent backs. They looked scared. They looked excited. And still there was a quality inside them that Nicholas couldn’t place. Something familiar and recognizable flushed across their skin, like humility or shame, but not.

Stepping away from the altar, Solomon gestured to the first man, a forty-ish man with thinning hair and a strong jaw. Moving with a smooth grace to stand statuesque before him, she looked so ethereal and benevolent. The man fell to his knees at her feet. “My child,” she intoned and placed a long-fingered hand atop his balding head.

“Forgive me, Father,” the man began, “for I have sinned. It’s been six weeks since my last confession.”

Solomon nodded, her spiraled hair bouncing as she urged him to continue. Her fingers curled, letting her long, red nails scrape against his exposed scalp.

“I’ve committed the sin of impure thoughts,” the man admitted, his jaw tightening slightly — from the confession or his confessor’s attention, Nicholas couldn’t be sure.

“Impure thoughts?” Her tone was almost casual if it wasn’t for the commanding force laced in her every word and movement. “And what thoughts have you been having, my son?”

“They’re not often,” he stuttered to assure. “Not even that impure — ”

He winced again, this time surely from the pinch of Solomon’s grip as she palmed his head, her nails now driving her unsaid point home. “What,” she repeated more forcefully, “impure things have you been thinking?”

Nicholas cringed at her voice — so cool and hard — even as he leaned forward, pressing his body close to — into — the unforgiving pine. Her words washed over him like a current. It felt as if she were painting his own soul so she could see his sins.

“They’re of my son’s fourth grade teacher,” the man sputtered quickly before letting out a relieved sigh when she loosened her grasp, turning her clasp into a caress that encouraged him to continue. “Ever since my son’s last conference, I keep playing the scene over and over in my head. Not really what she said or even really what she did. I just,” he gulped guiltily, “like to imagine her lips.”

“Her lips?” Solomon let her hand drift low to stroke his face.

“Yes.” The man hissed, tipping his head back like a cat into her touch. “She wore red lipstick.”

“Like mine?” Solomon asked.

The man’s gaze narrowed and heated, staring at her lips as if remembering, as if seeing another pair. “Yes.”

Nicholas looked too. Watched as her lips slipped into a slow smile, flashing just the barest hint of teeth. “Do you think about kissing her?” Solomon’s own lips pouted as they formed the words, the slight bow of her mouth bending in deliberate dips of lips and teeth and tongue. “Do you imagine the feel of her mouth upon yours?”

Nicholas licked his lips — his tongue slicking across his mouth in time with the man’s — anticipating his answer as if it were a taste stuck on his own skin.

“Yes.” The reply was barely more than a breath.

“What else did you imagine?” Solomon trailed her nails up and down the man’s cheek.

His face was sweating and his whole body tensed. The man shook his head, begging her not to push him with eyes so wide and worried the look felt like a hit to the heart.

Unmoved, she simply said in an implacable, undeniable command, “Speak.”

The middle-aged man sighed — looking impossibly young in that moment, like a recalcitrant child. “I imagine her licking her lips as she looks up at me.”

“Up at you?” she asked over the already heavy breathing in the crowd.

“She’s on her knees. In front of me,” the man admitted.

“Like you are.” Solomon smiled. “With me.”

“Yes,” he said slowly, his voice quiet and unsure. “And no.”

“Is she naked?”

“No,” the man said hurriedly. “No, she’s always just as she was in the conference. A red sweater, full-covering and too bright, and a long, baggy, shapeless denim skirt.” The man shook his head, bewildered, bumping her hand as he did. “I don’t even know why. I don’t find it attractive. Except...”

Solomon waited, letting the pause stretch a bit before asking, “Except?”

“With the rest of her covered,” the man said, his words now quick and his breath short, “all I can see are those lips. A little pouty as they purse.”

“Then what?” Her hand stroked his face, cupping as her skin smoothed along his rough, square jaw.

“Then she takes me into her mouth, her lips and tongue,” he marveled, awe and reverence lifting his voice like a revelation, “are like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Better than my wife. Better than any woman I’ve known. Better than the very first time I’ve ever had really good head.”

He shook his head, his face suddenly changing as realization overtook the fantasy. “Even sitting two feet from my son — sitting two feet from my wife — it was all I could think of. It’s still all I can think of.” His shoulders slumped as he turned his face from her touch, leaving her hand still in the air, reaching.

“And this,” she said as she turned his face toward her again, “made you feel guilt?” The man nodded, his large jaw held firm in her palm, still not meeting her gaze. “Guilty enough to come to me?” Again, he nodded, his whole upper body now bowed low before her.

“‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come.’” She pulled him upright with the hand still clutching his chin. “The truth of your confession has helped set you free, but penance will soothe your soul. Come.”

Nicholas shifted, his twisted limbs tense, and watched the other man stand, struggling to find his feet beneath him as she pulled him to the lip of the stage. Giving him a small tug and an almost dismissive shove, she pushed him off the step of the stage with an oomph. As he tripped along the tile, she took a sweeping seat on the stage’s edge, smoothing the rough material of her pants.

Giving an arching look up at him, she patted her lap. “‘As the lily among thorns, so is my love,’” she said, her voice now low with warning and promise.

Nicholas wheezed out a breath when the man took a step closer to her. He watched the man suck in a deep, steadying breath before leaning over to lie down on Solomon’s lap. “Your penance,” she announced to the crowd as she pulled back her opened hand, “three Hail Marys.”

The man gulped and the color drained from his face.

“This is what you need,” she said, her gaze penetrating and all-knowing, “isn’t it? It’s what you deserve. What you want.”

The man gave a small nod.

“Then, my fair one, come.”

He swallowed uneasily again before breathing deep. Once. And then again. And then one more time. Before he settled into a calmly resigned state. “‘Hail Mary, full of grace,’” the man started, his voice firm with resolve as he rested his cheek against the smooth, hard wood of the stage. He shook slightly when Solomon pulled the back of his pants down to reveal his pale, trembling flesh. “‘The Lord is with thee.’”

Nicholas’s eyes widened as Solomon’s red, glossy lips twitched before she swung her hand back to strike.

The man flinched with a gasp when her hand connected with his ass. “‘Blessed art thou amongst women.’” He sucked in a hiss of air, sticking his ass in the air, waiting for her next hit.

Nicholas scooted forward on his knees, his thighs tense and tight and his folded hands squeezed, his nails digging into his flesh.

“‘And blessed is the fruit of thy womb — ’”

Solomon’s hand smacked again, harder this time, making the man’s whole body jerk. “Jesus!”

Nicholas’s hands gripped the hard edge of the pew’s back, his fingertips falling into well-worn grooves in the wood from where other hands had gripped and held in anticipation.

“‘Holy Mary,’” Nicholas mouthed along with the other man as he spoke, his voice huffing as Solomon’s blows began in earnest, “‘Mother of God.’” Placing her free hand on his back between the vale of his shoulder blades, Solomon increased the speed and severity as she struck, leaving large, long-fingered marks streaking red across the man’s pale skin.

“‘Pray for us sinners!’” The man’s voice was now reedy and shrill as if wrenched from his taut, stretched throat. His eyes were squeezed shut, tears welling up and spilling out of the corners of his eyes to trail glistening and wet through the crevices in the man’s scrunched, pinched face. “‘Now and at the hour of our death!’”

Nicholas choked on a heated, agitated cry as Solomon’s hand connected again in a last crescendoing crack. The man’s body rose rigid against her lap — his head thrown back and his back arched — a look of such profound rapture radiating from his face. His eyes and mouth were impossibly wide as he stared sightlessly out at something beyond. Glassy and glossed, he gazed up as if he were seeing God.

For a moment, the room fell mute, marveled. Astounded and awed by the perfect ecstasy that had caught and held the man so sweetly. For a moment, Nicholas was sure he’d never felt so empty or so full, so sated yet still so yearning.

“Amen.” An exhalation. An exaltation.

Then the man collapsed, folded and draped over her legs, looking small and weak — even though Nicholas was sure his much heavier weight must be overwhelming her — as she shushed and cooed, rubbing her hand over his back.

She waited while he shook, slowly transforming the quivering mass back into a man with her touch.

When, at last, the man lifted his head to look gratefully into her gaze, she leaned in to kiss his lips sweetly, just a brief brush of lips. “‘And the priest shall make an atonement for him as touching his sin that he hath sinned,’” Solomon murmured as she cupped his cheek gently, “‘and it shall be forgiven him.’”

The man sighed, relieved and unburdened.

Until she sat back and straightened. “Again,” was all she said before raising her hand.

A small smile pulled at Nicholas’s lips when the man — steadying his legs as he squirmed along her lap — prepared himself again, a sure and ready look steeling his features.

But then, as the third strike struck, Nicholas saw it.

A peering look. A pointed finger. A whisper shared between parishioners.

He turned his head, catching the curious eye of Fletcher Boswitt, a member of Father Nicholas’s church known for his gossipy wife who more than made up for Fletcher’s own quiet, reserved demeanor, as he mumbled something into his neighbor Jack Wright’s ear.

Nicholas, his heart racing, whipped his head back. But it was too late. He’d already seen the spark of recognition replace the sheen of suspicion in the men’s eyes.

Dear Lord.

Madly — half-blind — he saw the forty-ish man had now been replaced on the stage by a couple, a tall, lithe brunette with the bronzed features of a Grecian myth and a man like a visitor from Valhalla. The woman, sobbing as her stoic husband stared stricken, was saying something.

Nicholas tried to concentrate, but his ears were focused back — straining for the mumbled mutterings behind him like a buzzing hiss that filled his head.

For three years — three years — Nicholas had been secreting in to see Solomon. For three years, he’d used back alley doors and mazed through Platonian hallways. Three years of street clothes and shame. Of hiding in shadows and looking over his shoulder. Three years of wondering — worrying — why.

Why did he come here? Why did he feel he needed to?

Nicholas slumped in his seat, barely hearing the Venus squeal as Solomon and the lightning god held her on the altar.

Nicholas felt cold sweat collect on his brow. What would happen if his congregation found out? If his brothers found out? He’d be ruined. His life — his calling — would be taken from him. He felt his collar, curled and kept hidden in his pocket, poke against his thigh.

“‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come,’” Solomon said as she handed Thor a long twine of gilded rope twisted and barbed to look like a crown of thorns.

Nicholas rolled his eyes and internally groaned, just thinking what his brothers — what his followers — would think of that.

Filled with dread, he listened to the woman as she cried out the Lord’s words in orgiastic screams that, unlike the balding man, drowned out any reverence or repentance. It sounded raw as the blond god wrapped and roped the woman in his punishing clutch. Animalistic. Wrong. The holy text spoken in hedonistic, heathenistic tongues that twisted and thrashed like a common whore.

He looked around the room that had a moment ago been bathed in soft candlelight and a cloud of frankincense and redemption, that now seemed garish and plastic, like a child’s dioramic vision cloying with dime-store perfume.

Scanning the room surreptitiously, he saw wide-eyed, slack-jawed gawkers, staring as the hard, blond man wrestled and caught his wife, like a hunter trapped prey, with hunger and lust hot in their eyes. Nicholas averted his gaze only to catch sight of hands, fast and furtive, as they crawled and crept over shadowed spaces.

How had he come here? How had he fallen so low?

He should leave. Would have too, if it wouldn’t have caused more of a stir, made him feel more keenly watched to walk out of the room alone and ashamed.

So he sat, silently screaming, as he glared at the couple on the stage. The man’s nimble hands wielded the long length of rope while he contorted and controlled her body, pulling and stretching her into unnatural angles and painful positions. The woman’s rump raised, rooting around as she writhed, her arms and legs now bound and useless beside her. The candles’ light caught the glint of his grin with each loop and knot sealing her silken skin that pulled and pushed against its bonds.

With almost heartbreaking horror, Nicholas stared down at his hands, still folded in his lap as if in plaintive prayer, that pressed down hard against throbbing flesh.

He was hard.

In this room — with its fake altar and fake pews, with its fake prayers and practices, with its fake priest and parishioners — in the face of intoxication and drug addiction, of children facing disease and death, of abused mothers with unborn babes and no hope left — he was hard.

May God forgive him.

A small sound stopped him as a sob slipped from his throat.

An echo of a cry.

Nicholas, wet-eyed and weary, looked up at the woman laid like a sacrifice atop the altar. Her face, unlined and unashamed, looked peaceful, held in a nirvanic trance. Her eyes were closed, but two trails, wet and soft as they shone in the flame’s faint light, trickled down her face.

He gasped when her eyes opened.

That look.

Lord in heaven, he knew that look.

In her eyes, brown and deep and soulful, he saw yearning. He saw an honest and wanting emptiness that longed to be filled. A soul that was striving to be saved.

In her eyes, reflected back at him through candlelit tears, he saw himself.

“Amen!” he heard her shout, her voice raw and hoary as tears now fell in abandon down her cheeks. “Amen.”

Again, the room stilled. Only the sound of her tears — sodden and saved — filled the room as her lover wordlessly released her. He pulled at strings and ties until she fell, tumbled and abandoned, before him, before bundling her in his embrace. “I’m sorry.” She sobbed, her quaking arms wrapped around his neck. “I’m so sorry.”

Tucking her knees in the crook of his arm, he held her close and shushed her, cuddling her as he surrounded his massive form around hers. But still she stuttered, her trembling tears stealing her meaning.

Nicholas felt it like a squeeze deep in his chest as the man gazed at her, forgiveness and grace clear in his eyes before he leaned in to kiss her quiet.

This is why, Nicholas thought, unable to look away as mouths met sweetly. This was why he came here. Beneath the farce and performance, behind the costumes and curtains, there was a current of truth. For all the parroted words, he felt a part of something larger in this room. Felt a connection to — caught a glimpse of — something higher.

More than any ornate altar or stained glass window or holy writ, this — this place, this room, this moment — felt like magic. Held within it the vulnerability of faith, the strength of support, the spirit of love. I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, but now I see.

This, Nicholas knew — felt — in his heart as the man kissed away his wife’s tears, is why. “I love you,” he heard the man murmur against still moist skin.

“‘Thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly,’” Nicholas heard Solomon say softly while the couple kissed, “‘causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.’”

He heard her, her stilettos a steady tapping as she moved over the stage toward the couple. A knowing — a divine knowledge — seemed to emanate ethereal from her as she took their hands and led them down to the edge of the stage.

Solomon gestured for the room to stand.

Nicholas, feeling connected within the ceremony and ritual of it all, pushed to his feet, his spine straight as he wiped the tears from his cheeks.

Bringing the couple’s hands together, Solomon clasped them within the careful cage of her own. Raising their entwined hands, she gazed up adoringly. “‘You place upon us the sweet demands of love,’” she said, her voice soft as it echoed through the space, “‘so that we may find happiness by responding to them.’”

“Amen,” the room replied as one.

“‘The kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours,’” she said as she leaned in to give both the man and the woman a light kiss, “‘now and forever.’”

“Amen.”

She smiled and stepped away from the couple with a slight bow. “Peace be with you.”

“And also with you.”

With a nervous, newlywed giggle, the couple kissed once more before returning to their seats.

Nicholas sat again as Solomon returned to stand behind the altar, the candlelight bathing her in a sweet, haloed glow. She breathed deep and stared with her knowing, soul-searching gaze at her flock, before seeming to stop and rest on him. “‘As the lily among thorns, so is my love,’” she said, a slight smile tugging at her red-painted lips. Holding out her arms as if to embrace, she called to him as if by name, “‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come.’”


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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Why is Sex So Scary?

So I'm a sexually open person. Sex-positive. Sexually confident. Sexual. Flirty. I like sex. I love sex. I enjoy a great deal of sexual activities, from flirting to fucking. While not the entirety of my persona, my sexuality is a big part of my identity. And I don't see anything wrong with that.

Yet there are so many people out there who view that--people being sexually open and enjoying a healthy and fun aspect of themselves--as inherently threatening. And I don't really understand why.

Take last night. Last night, I went to a concert and was dancing with my date. And, admittedly, I am a product of my generation so my main style of dance is essentially clothed stripping. Gyrating like some exotic dancer. All swiveling hips and undulations. And all I require from my dance partners is to be the pole I dance around.

And we were having a blast. The music was fun. The show was fantastic. The company was the best. It was a good time.

Yet there was another couple to the right of us who seemed to take great offense to our good time. Glaring at us the entire night.

For dancing.

At a concert.

That was held in a dance club.

Color me obtuse, but I don't see the problem here. I don't see what the couple to the right of us could object to. We were in no way impeding on them enjoying the concert. We weren't bumping into them. We weren't forcing them to dance with us. We weren't restraining them to their spot. It was general admission in the back of the balcony section so, even if they took offense to my style of dance, they could have just watched the concert on the right television screen rather than the left. Or they could have just moved. Sure, the place was crowded, but there were plenty of standing space just as unable to see the stage as the spot where we were. 

There were ways to fix this problem that allowed both parties to enjoy the concert. That could have let me and my date gyrate to our hearts' content AND let the other couple enjoy the concert dance-free.

Yet too often it's expected that the more sexually open person is at fault. That they're doing something wrong and inappropriate that needs to be addressed, fixed, and changed. I'm bewildered by the expectation that the sexually open should have to temper themselves, to repress and sacrifice their good time, to cater to other people. Why?

So often it's said that we're trying to impose ourselves and our way of life on other people. How? We're just trying to be ourselves. We aren't trying to convert people. Aren't trying to turn them into us. We don't involve ourselves in their business. We aren't trying to change them. We just want to be ourselves. Who's imposing on whom?

Take Google's and Amazon's new policy where they're filtering out things deemed "adult-content" under the rather lame justification that it'll keep this kind of content from popping up unintentionally for people who don't want to see it.  Except that they were already labelled--self-labelled, I might point out--as adult content, so I'm not sure how anyone could unintentionally click on it. 

All the while, oh-so-inadvertently making it harder for those who want to find this type of content or want their content found by those who want to have it.

Why do we have to hide sex? Like it's humanity's secret shame. Everyone, quite literally, owes their existence to it. Most of us will have it in, hopefully, large and lovely quantities over the course of our lifetimes. Why are we so afraid to encounter it or utter its name? 

Even if you don't personally like that kind of thing, why deny other people their joy in it? I don't like golf; I'm not looking to ban it from any and all outlets. I don't begrudge golfers their games, their culture, their clothing style, or their other accouterments. And, when I see it on TV or in a magazine or out in the wide, wide world, I do what everyone else like me does. I turn away. I do what I do and let them do what they do. Live and let live.

Why can't others do the same for us?

To all the people who are afraid of sex, please, do us all a favor and just look the other way.

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Monday, May 20, 2013

Powerful Act of Agency

THIS. So many of my stories feature characters just trying to live in a world that doesn’t know what to do with them and doesn’t really want to, whether that’s because of racism, sexism, homophobia, sex- or kink-shaming, or other kinds of systemic prejudice.

And the criticism or suggestion I get most often from editors (not all my editors, just enough) is to rewrite it to find a way to solve or satisfy those systemic problems by the end of my story—often in ways that make white/cis/het people feel good (ex. the racist boss gets fired, the sexist harasser gets arrested, the vote that threatens the protag’s livelihood gets vetoed, the partner white/cis/male-saviors the day, the world magically becomes sex-positive overnight) but, often—especially for folks whose identities intersect a lot of those targeted minorities—that isn’t how the world works.

We walk through this world acutely knowing that there are things—a lot of huge and profound things—we cannot change alone. That boss who says racist things often does so in ways that doesn’t violate HR policies or in ways that it’s hard to explain to white people why it’s racist and why they should care. Or, a lot of the time, they say or do racist things that make you uncomfortable but not enough so to “make a scene” about it, not enough to threaten their (or your) job or create a reputation for yourself of being “that kind” of coworker of color.

And the point of putting that into a story is...well, to tell the story of what that’s like. It’s not to draw up blueprints on How to Solve Racism. It’s to say: this happens and this is what it feels like.

And to tell the story of how we often deal with that.

Like creating our own communities and spaces where we can retreat to. Finding happiness in a world that does not make that easy is, in and of itself, a powerful act of agency. It is a valid and effective way of dealing with those kinds of problems.

And, if that story isn’t satisfying enough for you, maybe instead of saying there’s something wrong or lacking or needs to be fixed in those stories, maybe realize that these stories aren’t for you.

And, maybe, ask yourself if your need to have systemic problems, that have plagued and continue to plague the whole of humanity, neatly solved at the end in order for a story to feel “realistic” or “relateable” may stem from a lack of real understanding and empathy of those who deal with those problems.

Because you’re literally asking us to tell our stories as if they were yours.


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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Chapter Twenty-One: See the Light

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CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: SEE THE LIGHT

He chuckled. The sound low and filled with worrisome mirth. The sound poured cold down her spine, making her shiver even as her body heated.

What was he doing?

She licked her lips, the skin nibbled raw by her nervous teeth. She shut her eyes, even though they were covered by the soft but shielding tie. It helped her to be drawn inward. Helped her to focus. On her body. On the steady in and out of her breaths. On the rhythmic beating of her heart.

A loud, screeching tear sounded right next to her ear.

She shrieked. “What the fuck is that?” She tried to turn her head, but he cupped her chin again, holding her in place.

“Guess,” he said.

She cringed at the sound that tore through her again, setting her senses on edge. What the hell was that?

She gasped when another sound—the unmistakable sound of metal against metal—scraped her mind, ratcheting her pulse.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Instinctively, she pulled at the bonds holding her down, the ties biting into her while she writhed. She tried to close her legs, but his body, just as hard and unmovable, was blocking her as she squeezed. And there was that damned chuckle again, mocking and gleeful, before he ran cold, hard metal against her cheek, making her wince, too afraid to move. She tried not to smirk. Fucking chuckler.

A sharp slice cut through the tense quiet, stealing her breath.

Shit.

Her eyes snapped open, but saw nothing but black.

Fuck.

Another slice sounded, the sound sending a vivid image shooting through her brain.

What the hell was he doing?

She felt him press something thin and light against her ribcage, just beneath her breasts.

Tape, she thought, when she felt it stick and stay against her skin. She let out a relieved breath. Tape.

Tape? Really? A smile slipped across her lips, curling them in curious amusement.

“Is there something funny?” he asked her, his voice bland. “Am I missing the joke?”

She giggled. She couldn’t help it. It wasn’t even that funny. Not ha ha funny anyway. More how is this my life funny. But then she couldn’t stop. The hysterical sound bubbled up her throat and held her hostage, shaking her bound form.

Then he pulled the tape.

The shocking sting arched her back as the tape pulled free from her flesh, turning her laugh into a sharp cry.

Fuck me, she thought. That hurt!

She couldn’t see, but it felt as if that small strip of tape had taken a layer of skin off. She could feel exactly where that sticky strip had been, the spot beneath her breasts throbbing raw.

He chuckled, the rumble right in her ear. “You’re right,” he said, “that was funny.” He pulled a new length of tape, the sound no less grating now that she knew exactly what it was. “Let’s do it again.”

He placed them all over her body, tiny bits of sticky, crinkly plastic. Placing two, ripping one. Putting three in neat rows on her thigh then pulling the row of five left on her stomach. It was disorienting, trying to guess what he would do next. Press or pull? Would it be on her arm or her breast? Her body jerked, trying to anticipate his movements, but failing every time.

She felt him place one high on her breast. And then laying another partly over it. And then another. And another. Building a curving line over her flesh with the diligence and preciseness of a domino player. He spiraled it down to her nipple, that final piece of tape—the anticipation held in its thin, translucent form—making her sex clench.

How messed up was that?

He did the same with her other breast. And then again in two long lines on the inside of each thigh, the ends holding the lips of her sex open to him, revealing the slick heat that dripped from her hot and thick.

Dear God, there was something wrong with her, wasn’t there? How was she turned on by this?

“Look at you,” he said, his voice farther away now, as if he were leaning back to take a good look at his work. “So beautiful, open and displayed. Just for me.” She shivered as his finger pressed against her clenching opening, gathering her arousal before trailing up toward her engorged, erect clit. He pressed there, making her cry out and her hips buck.

He chuckled again. But she didn’t care. Couldn’t care. She just wanted him to touch her. He could do anything else he liked, so long as he touched her.

“You like that?” he asked, completely unnecessarily. His finger began to rub, making sweet, soft circles against her needy nub. “You like that, don’t you, Max?”

“Yes.” She nodded her head vigorously. “Yes, it’s good.” So good. “Don’t stop.”

“I think you like it too much,” he said. “Smart woman like you, thinking with nothing but her clit.” He paused for a moment and she sensed his smile by the change in his breath. “Let’s see what we can do about that.”

He shifted his hand, plunging his fingers into her cunt in one hard, insistent thrust. She cried out in pleasure, dug her nails into the armrests, and tugged at her ties.

God, yes!

More.

As if reading her mind, he moved so his thumb stroked her clit and his fingers pumped in and out of her pussy. Not caring how she must look, she tilted her hips, deepening the penetration until his long, capable fingers rubbed against her G-spot. She thrust her hips hungrily against him as much as the chair would allow, her back and toes arching madly for leverage.

Almost there. Almost. She could feel her climax build, her orgasm cresting upon her. Almost.

And then he grabbed the tape high on her breast and pulled, tearing the curling strip in one long, hard rip. She screamed as the tape across her sensitive, aching nipple tore, the sting almost unbearable, pushing her over the edge until she came.

God. Dear God.

Max panted, her pussy pulsing ferociously against his fingers buried deep inside her.

She shuddered when his lips closed over her breast’s too sensitive tip, and moaned, her sex squeezing, while he sucked. He purred against her skin, his teeth tugging. “Again.”

Before she could say anything—protest or beg, she wasn’t sure—he began again. Fucking her with his fingers, he laved and licked at her now exposed nipple. She moaned, the pleasure so overwhelming it was almost painful. Her ravished body was bombarded with sensation.

When he pulled at the tape on her other mound, he went slow this time. Letting her feel every inch of the tape’s sticky pull at her flesh. It was sweet, that tug, leaving a longing burn against her breast. She whimpered, seduced by the touch that seemed to be everywhere at once.

God, what was he doing to her?

She could feel her orgasm like a wave about to crash. She closed her eyes and bit her lip, her back arched and her hips thrust forward.

Then he stopped.

Pulled his fingers away.

She yowled, wordless rage tearing from her throat.

She’d fucking kill him if he chuckled.

Instead, he hummed sweetly—almost soothingly—and bent low to wrap his lips around her clitoris, that needy bundle of nerves, sucking it deep before his tongue lashed at it with furious lust.

Yes! Lord, yes.

He ate at her, licking and nipping. Sucking and biting. At her clit. At her lips.

And then his hands grabbed the ends of tape on her thighs.

She opened her mouth to beg him not to, knowing without knowing that it would hurt. Worse than the others. Her thighs tightened, afraid. She wanted to stop him. The words tripped ready on her tongue.

But then he plunged his tongue, long and hard, into her, turning her protest into a cry of pleasure so loud it echoed around the empty office.

He tore the tape.

It felt as if he were tearing open her flesh as she came again—harder, violently—over his tongue.

Oh God. Oh God. “Oh God.”

He kissed her too sensitive clit, making her jerk.

Kissed her navel.

Each breast.

Before finally kissing her lips, letting her taste herself, salty but sweet, on his tongue.

“Thank you,” he murmured against her lips.

She’d have said it back—wanted to, tried like hell to—but she couldn’t find the energy or wit.

So instead, she pressed her mouth against his again, kissing him before the sleep and dreams that had tugged at her for the past two weeks finally pulled her under.


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Friday, March 15, 2013

Chapter Twenty: Blindside

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CHAPTER TWENTY: BLINDSIDE

She wanted him too. Despite everything. God help her, he interested her too.

She wanted to ask him to stop seeing the other women. Was on the verge of asking.

She bit her lip and met his gaze, so heavy and intense. “So you want to renegotiate terms?” She gave a nod. “What terms are we reconsidering?”

He leaned back, thoughtful. “I want to see where this goes. I think that there’s something here worth exploring.” He tilted his head a bit. “Without ignoring the fact that neither of us are without options.”

He could be such a lawyer. Carefully crafting each sentence and laying out terms, while leaving enough wiggle room and loopholes to get out of them later.

But she was a businesswoman and her business was words. While she appreciated a nice turn of phrase, she never let it distract her from the phrase’s heart. “So,” she said, trying for only mildly snide, “you want to be with me without having to stop seeing other people?” She wanted a straightforward answer.

“While allowing you the same freedom.” He lifted his shoulder in a conceding shrug.

Max thinned her lips, swiveling a bit in the chair while she mulled over that. “This freedom,” she said, “it would include what exactly?”

“Whatever we agree it does.” He made it sound so simple. “Do you want to discuss what it does include first or what it doesn’t?”

They discussed several terms—yes on basic BDSM play like spankings and rope play with each other and with others, no on needing to obtain permission from each other before engaging in that kind of play with others, yes on basic petting like fingering and hand-jobs with each other and with others, but some kind of notice beforehand or after-the-fact should be given.

“And sex?” she asked, tired of ignoring the obvious. “In the more traditional context. Oral. Vaginal. Anal.”

He nodded, as if he’d been waiting for her to bring it up. He sat on the corner of his desk, his body turned to face her. “Before I met you, I was having sex with five other people on a regular basis. Beyond them, I’ve slept with another six in the past six months.”

“Protection?” She was aiming for a nonchalance that she didn’t quite feel. Max didn’t like to judge—found it rather prudish, in this day and age—but eleven different people in six months was higher than she would have estimated. Idly, she wondered how he found the time.

“I use condoms regularly with all of them,” he said.

“Testing?”

“I get tested every six months,” he said. “My last results, about four months ago, were clean.” Then he asked, “And you? Did you and John and Nick use protection?”

“You mean your little file doesn’t say?” Her shock mocking.

He simply leveled her with a questioning, expectant look.

“Yes,” she said. “Always.” She didn’t believe in leaving things like pregnancy and STIs to chance.

He nodded in agreement. “Good. That’s sex between us. What about with others?”

Max shook her head. It was the question they’d both been avoiding, but knew they had to ask. Max’s lips thinned. “My gut reaction is to say that you can sleep with whomever you want but, if you’re sleeping with someone else, I will not be sleeping with you.”

“Your gut reaction?” he asked, zeroing in on the weak spot.

A part of her—the saner, cooler-headed part of her—told her, screamed at her, to run. But the part of her that had enjoyed herself tonight felt like an entire world had opened to her right now. It wanted nothing more than to immerse itself in that world. That part of her paused.

“If I said that I was uncomfortable with it,” she wondered, “what would happen?”

He frowned. “I’m not a flexible man,” he said. “I don’t do well with too many limits or restrictions.” He shrugged as if there was nothing he could do about it. “But, for something worth working for, worth putting in the effort for, I can.”

Was she worth it?

She wanted to ask.

Didn’t she?

She thought she ought to ask.

Maybe.

“I could do it for you, Max,” he told her, making her breath stop for a moment. “I could put in the work for you.”

Max bit her lip, trying to temper the joy she felt at that. “So play with others, but no sex?” she asked cautiously, just to clarify.

“I can work with that,” he agreed.

She let out a relieved breath. “But we would still play with each other?” She wasn’t sure exactly how the rules went in this world.

His icy eyes heated when he gazed at her body. “I’d like to.”

“How,” she asked, her voice pitched deliberately low, “would you like to?”

———

He grinned. She didn’t know what a question like that did to a man like him. The possibilities were endless. What wouldn’t he like to do to her?

But he’d go slow.

She may be eager to try out this world—to see what it had to offer. But she was still new to it. She needed to be eased in.

Besides, he’d left his toy bag at Donovan’s. Looking at his desk, he mused a bit. He could work with what he had. It was all about the presentation.

His grin widened. “Close your eyes.”

“Why?”

She would have to ask.

“Because the deprivation of one sense heightens the others.” He began to untie his tie. “Now,” he repeated, more forcefully this time, “close your eyes.”

She shot him an uncertain look, but did as he asked, sitting still while he tied the silk over her eyes. The vibrant blue was shocking against her smooth, pale skin and her incredible hair. He let his fingers trail down her hairline, letting the springy stray strands tickle his hand.

His palm moved to cup her cheek, reveling in the soft silk of her skin. She wasn’t a delicate woman. Even with this simple touch, he could feel her strength. It was exciting, knowing that he held that verve, that spirit, in his hand. That, for him, for this moment, it bowed and lay still.

“So,” she said, a nervous laugh touching her voice, “now what?”

He loved how eager she was. It was so much more than her titillated tone. Her skin was flushed, a pretty pink blooming beneath all that sweet, Chantilly cream. Her legs, like her lips, were parted in silent invitation.

He swore he could smell her arousal, hot and fragrant. He could almost feel it wet and flowing over his fingers. Could almost taste it, salty and wild as the sea.

Her thighs twitched, moved to close. Uh-uh. He held her knee in place. “Stay still.”

She froze under his touch, her breath catching, and her muscles tensed. So responsive. She was already there, deep in head space.

He reached behind her, toying with the tied ends of her dress’s halter top. “Now, you were being so uncooperative with Rand tonight,” he murmured. “Throwing such a fit over your dress.”

He saw her start, surprised that he’d seen.

“Causing such a scene.” He tsked. “You couldn’t see, I know, but you distracted so many people.” He pulled one of the bow’s ends, causing it to slip. “But you won’t cause one now, will you?”

She inhaled sharply when he tugged hard, causing the top of her dress to fall, her plump, full breasts bouncing as she gasped. Her nipples were puckered and red. Ripe.

He reached out and grabbed a pencil off of his desktop. Turning it around, he tested the soft, pliant end of the eraser against his fingertip. Perfect. “No,” he said as he touched the cushioned end to one plump, pillowed mound, slowly tracing its contours, “you’ll stay and sit very still.”

She took a deep breath while he trailed the eraser up and over, around and across the sweet span of her breasts. He traced her nipples, taking his time to very carefully outline her darkened aureoles. He teased her, swirling intricate designs as she arched her back and moaned.

He flicked her nipple, the metal striking the reddened bud.

Her hips twitched and she squeaked behind lips bitten shut but, beyond that, she didn’t move. Excellent. He smiled, in the mood to test her.

He flipped the pencil, touching the pointed tip against his forefinger. It was sharp. Could cut if jabbed hard. He smiled wide as he lightly lay that sharp tip against the sensitive swell.

She stiffened, her mouth frozen open as he slipped the tip along the slope of her under-breast, watching the pencil’s sharp lead draw long, red welts along her skin.

Her whole body tightened, her hands gripped the armrests and her feet pressed into the floor. He dragged it up to trace her aureole and she jerked, curling in on herself and covering her breasts.

“I told you not to move.” He grabbed one knee, yanking it back into place, and settled himself between her thighs. “Max,” he said again when she tried to push him away one-handedly. “It’s all right, Max. Calm down; everything is okay.”

“I can’t,” she said, her voice ragged and pitched high. Panicked. She was overwhelmed and he could see it. Could hear it as she panted, hardly able to control her heaving gasps. “I can’t.”

He let her arm go, not fighting it as both arms circled over her exposed breasts and her whole body curled in on itself. Protectively. As if shielding herself.

“Max,” he said gently, leaning forward to stroke her face. She flinched but didn’t move—didn’t cower away. A part of him melted as, after a moment, she relaxed into his touch, curving to press herself into his palm like a kitten. “Max,” he continued, “do you need to stop?”

He could see her indecision, and leaned forward to gently touch where her teeth dug into her tender lips. “Just say the word and we’ll stop.”

She shook her head, a different worry taking her. “Don’t stop.” She was clear and hurried, shaking her head again and again. “Just...”

“Just?” He continued stroking her face in soft sweeps of his thumb.

“I can’t stay still,” she admitted quietly, sounding almost ashamed. “It’s too much.” With her eyes closed—with no idea of what he was doing or with what—it would feel so much worse, he knew, turning a sharpened pencil into a flaying knife in her mind. “I just can’t.”

He remembered the way she’d stared in fascination while Cora strung up Marie at Donovan’s. Max would like being tied up, he thought. She wouldn’t feel helpless or limited by it. She would understand that the restraints didn’t restrain. Not really.

Like the blindfold, by denying one option, others opened. By tying her down, he was freeing her to have any reaction she liked. Without inhibition. Without shame. Without apology.

“Shh,” he cooed at her, “it’s all right.” He soothed his hands over her arms, bringing them back from her chest to the armrests before cupping her chin. “Stay.”

The phone cords looked long enough, and they only took a second to unhook from the receiver and the wall.

He smiled and tested their strength. They’d work.

“Sir?” Her head turned this way and that, trying to place him in the room.

“I’m here.” He came back to her, knelt between her still-opened thighs, and stroked them, his excitement growing with every thought. Another swift movement and he was level with her ear. “I’m going to tie you up.” He whispered, his tongue finding the delicate line of her ear, creating a shiver that ran electric through her body. “Tell me you want me to.”

She moistened her lips and turned to him, so their mouths were breaths away from each other, her blindfolded eyes meeting his. “I want you to,” she said clearly. “I want to be tied up.”

He wasn’t much of a rope guy. Wasn’t an expert or an enthusiast like Cora. Never learned much beyond the basics. But this wasn’t about the beauty of the rope and knots. This was about holding her still. Holding her down and in place. This was bondage at its basest core.

He wound the phone cord, twisted and coiled, around her elbow and the chair, pulling it two-fingers taut and inescapable. He circled it down her forearm before securing her wrist to the chair and tucking the end in. “Pull,” he said, wanting to test—wanting her to test—the ties.

She did, jerking and yanking, tugging and tensing her arm. It was loose enough to give her some freedom of movement, but she couldn’t get free. A worried frown crossed her face for a moment, wrinkling her brow and pulling at her lips. He could see her breath hitch and her pulse tick hard and fast in her throat.

“It’s okay.” He touched her bound arm, letting his fingers touch the soft silk of her skin, now broken up by the hard and unforgiving wire. It was addictive, such an attractive contradiction, beneath his hungry touch. “Just sit back,” he told her. “Just feel.”

She took a deep but shaky breath. “Just sit back,” she repeated softly, more to herself than to him. “Just feel.”

That’s it. He let her breathe, watching her body slowly relax, watching each of her muscles slowly give. Good.

He grabbed the other cord, straight and sure, and bound her other arm.

God! He could feel heat pouring from between her thighs, hitting him like fire against his stomach. He let his hands cup her knees, pushing them as far apart as they could go, crushed against the armrests. Her spine straightened and she swallowed hard. Her muscles tensed while his palms slid up her thighs, clenching as more and more of her was revealed with her dress gathering at his wrists.

He squeezed the tops of her thighs, making her hips hitch, and scooped her dress out from underneath her, baring that hot, wet center to his gaze. His mouth watered. She was so ready. So wanting.

He leaned in to lay a hard kiss right above her clit. She moaned and tried to shift her hips to guide his mouth where she needed him.

Chuckling, he moved away, making her writhe and groan in disappointment.

Not yet, Max.

He wasn’t done playing yet.


READ CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

 

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